I CAN'T SAVE US ↠ KAI PARKER

31. deal with the devil

"So let me get this straight, you told him you're going to make him fall in love with you just to break his heart and you promised to that over and over again but you're actually making him love you again to save him from himself?" Bonnie asked with a frown and I hesitated "it's okay, the spell I put on the necklace won't allow him to go anywhere near your thoughts"

"No, I know, I trust you" I said focusing on the road "it's just that I know what it sounds like and thinking about it... well, maybe it wasn't such a good idea"

"Honestly, I would've done the same thing or worse," she admitted and I gave her a doubtful look "I'm serious, I don't know if I told you but when Enzo was sired by that freaky siren, I tried to kidnap him just to save him"

"Okay, maybe it's not the worst idea," we both chuckled and I loosened my grip on the steering wheel "I would've probably tried that if I had any say in this whole no-humanity situation"

"Who says you don't? You're his emotional trigger, we could've done one of our famous humanity interventions weeks ago if you wanted to" she suggested, raising an eyebrow at me and I sighed.

"It's not that I don't want to, I actually do want to, now more than ever but... I can't"

"I know, New Orleans, can't say anything about it" Bonnie added, with a nod "but I gotta be honest, the more Kai stays low, the more I worry"

"You don't have to worry, he's not planning anything, he's just keeping his word" I said giving Bonnie a reassuring look.

"But he's not supposed to care, yet he's 'keeping his word' which means that whatever it is that you two are hiding worries him enough to play nice and that scares me" she admitted and I frowned, although she didn't know the full story, she was right, what we were hiding was cause for concern but Vincent and I figured it would be best to keep everyone in the dark until we knew exactly what we were dealing with, things were just starting to look up and I didn't want to take that away from them, at least not until I absolutely had to "so best case scenario, he gets his humanity back and we find a way to fix all of our problems, what are you going to do then?" Bonnie asked, changing the subject before I spaced out even further.

"What do you mean?" I asked and she narrowed her eyes at me, knowing we both knew exactly what she was talking about "honestly? I think it might be up to our real selves... if they feel the same way they did... then maybe they still have a shot" I replied, feeling weird by referring to myself in third person, though the whole situation was weird and now with the 'real-Kai' gone too... well, that made it even worse.

"But would you?" Bonnie asked, turning her head to me and I bit my lip as my mind continued to spiral down over the thought of the real-Kai "give him another shot?"

"All this time I've been so worried about what the real me feels for him, that I haven't even thought about the possibility of the real him not feeling the same way he did" I blurted out, unintentionally avoiding her question and she stared at me with a furrowed brow "after everything that happened..." I paused, part me of feeling too afraid to admit what wasn't such a far-fetched possibility at this point "what if he backs out? what if he's afraid of being with me...? of loving me? like it happened the first time?" and the thought makes even the deepest side of me worry, which only made me believe that the real me had the same fear.

"You know, I used to think Kai's greatest fear was being stuck in a prison world again, it just made sense" Bonnie piped up a few seconds later and I frowned, not sure where she was going with this "until I realized his fear wasn't just driven out of loneliness or bad memories," she paused, shaking her head "it's the thought of losing you that terrifies him... that's his worst fear, so no, I don't think that's possible" and her words reassure me in more ways than I cared to admit.