I CAN'T SAVE US ↠ KAI PARKER

19. the girl who knew too much

I was walking on eggshells, not because of anything Kai had done but because I'd trapped myself into a situation I didn't really know how to handle. The thing is, I'd come to terms with accepting the fact there was a lot more to our relationship than he had initially let on, a long time ago. It was nothing new really, he wasn't exactly good at hiding it and it's not like he ever denied it, what was new however, was the possible revelation of my past-self developing some unrequired feelings for him and I didn't know exactly how to feel about it.

The more I thought about it, the more I convinced myself it was best to deny it. It was better that way but it was hard to turn my back on the subject when it made things so much more comprehensible. The only option I really had was to ask Kai about it but I was caught up in the dilemma of disclosing potentially harmful information that my non-compelled self might've swore to never divulge and then our friendship would be ruined, the last thing I wanted was to make Kai feel uncomfortable after everything he's done for me. So I was left walking on eggshells around him, trying to read his expressions and possible intentions, but truth was, nothing really seemed to point in that direction and I was not about to blame him for not being able to reciprocate feelings he didn't want, when in reality, I didn't even know if that's how I felt about him but I knew that was mostly because I wasn't allowing myself to develop those sort of feelings for him.

"You okay?" I heard Kai's voice, slowly bringing me back to reality and I hummed in response.

"No, yeah, yes... I mean, I'm okay" I answered awkwardly as I kept skimming through one of the old gemini grimoires.

"You sure?" he asked once again and I gave him a slight nod without even looking up at him. It was bad enough that I completely avoided the subject after our date and now I was being all weird around him.

I didn't exactly mean to act this way around him, I didn't even notice when it happened... and by 'it' I meant the new strange need of trying to avoid Kai and any love-related subject between us, so I wouldn't be tempted to allow myself to... fall for him? that's also something the so ground-breaking revelation had done, I was beginning to question whether those feelings were already there or not... and it was particularly hard to figure out when the non-compelled me seemed not so fond of the latter.

"And how do I know you're not lying?" Kai whispered slowly against my ear as he wrapped his arms around, embracing me from behind, the sudden closeness taking me by surprise and I accidentally scooted away from him, my reaction leaving him quite confused.

"I'm sorry, I'm just..." I paused unsure of what to say "worried about the spell, that's all"

Kai wrapped his arms around my waist once again, making me turn to face him and I tried to ignore the tingling feeling in my stomach, as I met the steel blue of his eyes "And I'll make sure it's completely safe," he reassured me, as his hands traveled all the way up to my shoulders, "no more stressing out, it'll be fun" he beamed cheerfully as he gently squeezed my shoulders.

"Which reminds me, what's accens.. accense?" I asked a bit confused turning around once again, to point out the word in the text "This word keeps coming up and I'm not quite sure I understand it"

I felt Kai's chin leaning softly on my shoulder, making the butterfly-like feeling in my stomach multiply by a thousand and I decided to focus on following his index finger as he went over some lines in the text "Accensa" he corrected me and he slid his free arm around my waist once again "It's latin for 'light or lighted'" he added and I frowned a bit confused.

"Is it a spell or an ingredient?" I asked and he lifted his chin off my shoulder, without letting go.

"It's some sort of magic... very ancient like the one whoever did the spell with the agrimony used, that's why it keeps popping up, it's one of the Primus Trimorphious," he began to explain as his finger moved through the lines of the text "they call them, the 'three sacred ones', referring to the three secret lines of power, the goddess of magic, Hecate, inherited to her children" Kai added and he moved his finger towards the hand-drawn picture of a lady fighting what looked like a beast "though it's considered a myth, since she was also known for being a virgin goddess, which is why people doubt the existence of said powers"