I CAN'T SAVE US ↠ KAI PARKER

25. i broke the devil's heart

tw; abuse, death, graphic descriptions and violence ahead

It broke my heart seeing him like this, because I knew he was probably giving himself a hard time over what happened tonight, without realizing that's exactly what made him not be the monster his father so desperately wanted him to become.

I stepped inside the room, as I watched him sitting on edge of bed but he didn't glance my way, until I was standing right in front of him. The sad yet thoughtful look in his eyes making my heart ache a little more and I placed my hand on his cheek, brushing my thumb over his skin, his expression instantly softening up at the touch "You okay?" I asked quietly, as I kept caressing his cheek but he didn't respond and took my hand instead, holding it between his, as if it gave him some kind of reassurance.

"Did I ever tell you the story behind this?" he asked, a few seconds later, raising the pendant on his necklace with one of his hands and I shook my head slowly "It's called a protection seal" he continued, dropping the pendant on his chest once again "when I was a baby I used to struggle a lot... I had a hard time breathing and" but he paused, taking a deep breath before continuing "apparently my mom gave it to me, so it would magically heal me and keep me safe" and I raised my eyebrows a little surprised because it doesn't sound like something the woman he had previously described as cold and distant, would do "they say an archangel gave it to a man so he could save his dying son in exchange for his loyalty and devotion... I know it's just an old myth because it never actually worked" he chuckled softly, his smile slowly turning into a more melancholic-one "but that's not really why I kept it..."

"My mom... always pretended we were a happy family and that my dad was the perfect man... she ignored my suffering and never really cared about me after she found out I was a siphon, I should've thrown it away a long time ago but..." he stopped, reaching for the necklace once again, a mix of pain and sorrow shadowing the steel blue in his eyes "I just couldn't... it was a reminder of her love... maybe I was just desperate... for uh,... her to love me that much again, I guess" he lowered his head shamefully, as if it there was something wrong with that "every time my father would hurt me or lock me up in our basement... I would hold on to it... close my eyes and imagine her coming down those stairs to save me... she would hold me in her arms and let me hug her back without being afraid of touching me... and then she would tell me that everything was going to be okay... that she was going to make sure my father wouldn't hurt me again but none of that ever happened" and he chuckled bitterly as the thought of a younger and defenceless Kai, who just wanted to be loved or understood by his parents shattered my heart even more "pathetic, I know"

"No, Kai, it's not pathetic at all... you were her son, she should've protected you and made sure you were safe," I assured him, cupping his face in my hands "you had every right to want her affection, she should've been a better mother and loved her child, the fact that she just stood by and let her son get punished just because you were different makes her the monster, not you, okay?" he nodded softly, and he took both of my hands, caressing the top of my hands with his thumbs.

"After she died... I stopped wearing it for a few months... until I realized, it didn't just have a sentimental attachment to her... it was so much more than that... I felt safe using it, probably because in my head I'd associated it with that emotion..." he continued, looking up at me "then I got locked up in that prison world and I almost destroyed it... but I couldn't... it was a beacon of hope... it gave me the strength to keep going..." he sighed softly and he stood up, keeping our hands linked together "and I grew more attached to it... maybe it's all the meanings behind it but over the years it became the only thing I loved about myself and cared about..." he confessed, his eyes softening up as he let my hands go to pull me closer to him "I've been wearing it my whole life, in a way, it's an extension of me" he added, raising his hands and he took it off, making me frown confused "which is why I want you to have it"