I CAN'T SAVE US ↠ KAI PARKER

33. in my heart and in my head

Whatever clarity had come to me after saying what now felt like one big loaded statement, had luckily stayed with me for the next couple of hours, so I wrote everything down. At least every single thought that felt important enough to remember, it was almost as if the real me had finally broken through the barriers of silence that were shutting her down and was now shouting at the top of her lungs, and I was finally listening.

But she didn't just want to be heard, she wanted me to do something... something that really mattered. So guided by the last grasp of that liberating knowingness, I waited out until everyone left the house, packed one duffel bag with everything I thought I needed and drove to the one place the real me strongly felt that I needed to be in tonight. It was like a hunch, I didn't know exactly why it was so urgent for me to be there, I just knew it was the right place to go to and it almost felt like I was going there to achieve something.

Still, I hesitate for a few seconds before I knock on his door and I realize I haven't even considered the possibility of him not being home yet or... him being there and choosing not open the door at all but before my brain can dwell any further on darker thoughts, the door finally opens and I immediately wish I'd prepared myself for the disappointment in his eyes when he sees me standing at his doorstep. The slight hint of dread in his eyes convincing me I was probably the last person he wanted to see tonight, which didn't make any sense at all. Did I do something wrong?

"Let me guess, you came here to tell me you apologized to Alaric and everyone else for what you said?" he said harshly, the hint of resentment in his voice making me wonder how much it was taking him not to show how hurt he was by my 'betrayal' or whatever his mind had come to believe, at least it seemed that way, and he clenches his jaw "and now you'll apologize to me for changing your mind because you realized you could never be with this version of me? no need to break the bad news, babe, I already knew you could never–"

"What? No, I'm not apologizing for what I said, ever, I meant every word and I still stand by it" and my words take him by surprise, though I couldn't help but feel guilty for that being the first thought that had popped in his head.

"You do?" He asked and I gave him a nod.

"Yes. Every. Word." I said firmly and his expression immediately softens "cross my heart and hope to die" I added playfully and he chuckled lightly.

"Not literally" He said, faintly knocking the wood door frame three times and I shake my head.

"Since when are you superstitious?" I asked, suppressing a smile.

"Since we live in a town where all of my plans seem to go wrong for some reason" he said, almost bitterly.

"Well, third time's a charm" I said, giving him a reassuring smile and he smiled "may I?" I asked, fixing the strap of my bag on my shoulder and he nodded, moving to the side so I could step inside.

"Yeah, sorry" he said in a beat.

"Unless you were busy–"

"No, no, I was just... drinking, actually" he admitted, almost shamefully and I walked inside, not sure why he would be ashamed of saying that and I wondered if it was because he didn't mean a 'human' kind of drink "I hope the duffel bag means you're staying for a couple of days" he added, closing the door behind me.

"Couple of days?" I asked playfully, raising an eyebrow at him and he took the bag, so I could take my coat off.

"I do remember you agreeing to five nights out of seven" he said suppressing a smirk and I chuckled "and it was non-negotiable" he added over his shoulder and I bit my lower lip, as I followed him to the living room, where he placed the bag on one of the sofas.