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T W E N T Y S I X

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When I was little, I've always imagined my life as something picture perfect. I will have a mum and a dad who are never in an argument and we'd be a very happy family, me, Athena, mum and dad. That when I eventually graduate from school, they'll be wiping their eyes with happiness and be proud of me. That they will get along with my future boyfriend. That when I get married, they will give me their blessing. That they will hold my children in their arms when I do someday.

I know that parents image shattered years ago and I know that I wont be able to piece them back together because I know that dad wont come back.

Nothing lasts forever. That's true. But I've never been proven of this right in my face until now. My worst nightmare has come true and I don't know whether I should stand up and be brave or stay quiet and wait. I didn't know it was going to come this soon.

Earlier, mum has wanted to get some rest. "Everybody be quiet," she had said. "I am going to sleep, I want the house to be calm."

I didn't know that what she meant by 'sleep' is that she is going to really sleep. Forever. When we went to wake her up for dinner, she wasn't responding. Her heartbeat was very slow and very weak, we had to call an ambulance. She was struggling to breathe and she said it hurts after we managed to get her into consciousness.

We were panicking then. Max had come over too, always having his arms around my shoulders as he tries to comfort me. The ambulance came not even five minutes later and a heart monitor was attached to her. Neighbours started to come and help as soon as they saw the red and blue flashing lights and the paramedics try their best to keep mum conscious.

Everything was in a rush. People hurried in and out of the house, each time bringing in things scarier than the last.

Through this, Athena kept holding mum's hand. Muttering to her that she needs to stay strong and that she could make it. Mum nodded but she looked unsure. When I looked over that the heart rate monitor, her heart beats got weaker and weaker by the second.

I couldn't look. I simply couldn't look.

I heard Athena scream and my head turned. The heart rate monitor had caught my eyes and what I saw surprised me. There was a flat line after her last heartbeat.

And it never started beating again.

"Mum!" I had screamed. I shook her body furiously. "Mum!"

"Mummy wake up!"

Max tried to hold me back but I shoved him away with my elbow.

"Mum! Wake up! We have to go to Oslo on Sunday!"

I patted her cheeks. "MUMMY WAKE UP!"

"MUM!"

That's when I realised that she was never going to hear what I was saying, that she's never going to wake up ever again.

Her last words were faint. "Keep that promise," she had said. Subconsciously, a hot, salty tear rolls down my cheeks when the doctors had declared her dead.

My mum. The person who had brought me into this world. The person who had comforted me during hard times. The person who made us stay strong when dad left. The person who keeps encouraging me even when I didn't believe in myself.

That person was now gone. Not for the time being, but forever.

Now, I am sitting next to mum's bed. She is now covered in white cloth and her face is pale. My face in my hands and my loud sobs had turned into silent tears that is still fresh with shock and disbelief. My tears eventually run out and I couldn't cry despite how much my heart is hurting.

Athena is not crying. She just sits there with a blank look on her face. She is too shocked, she couldn't even cry.

Cole had called for the funeral services to be done tomorrow so that I wont have to postpone anymore shows and leave for Oslo on Sunday.

Max and his family is sitting on the other side of mum's bed and nobody speaks up.

I now know why the nurse gave me that sympathetic smile when we left the hospital. I now understand why the doctors let her go home.

They knew mum couldn't make it and she knew it too. She's had an undetected stage four cancer all along. When she got the test results, she didn't tell anyone so nobody would worry. Mum had given up when she was told that the cancer had taken over her whole body and told the doctors that she wanted to go home and breathe her last breath in the place that brings her comfort. Her bedroom.

I feel angry inside. I feel sad. Confused. I don't know how to react. Angry that mum had given up. Sad that she's now gone. Confused at what just happened. Somewhere deep inside of me, I feel happy. Mum now doesn't need to suffer from cancer pains anymore. She will be safe in Heaven's arms and I know she will wait for me.

I know I have to let her go. I remember what she told me five years ago. I'm not going to sit down and cry over a person who is dead, hoping for them to come back. I am going to cherish all the moments that I have had with her and be thankful for having such a wonderful person in my life.

It's so hard, though. A sharp knife goes through my heart every time I thought of the moments we have spent together.

Right before her last words, she said that we will have to support each other. Love each other and not always get into a fight because when she's gone, she wont be there to stop us. She told us to keep chasing our dreams and always know that she will be with us every step of the way. She told us that she will be proud on whatever we choose to do. That's how much mum loved us. Even on her dying seconds, she still thought of us.

I feel guilty. What have I done to make mum happy? What have I done to make her proud of me? Think about how many times I yelled at her, made her angry. I never got the chance to say sorry to her. Truly sorry. I have also never got the chance to say 'I love you' properly to her.

Mum, I know that you are now gone. I hope you just know that I love you. So much. I'm sorry for whatever I have done to make you feel down. I hope you are happier up there. I will always think about you everyday, every minute, every second. I respect your decision to give up. I understand that you can't stand it anymore so you've decided to let go.

I love you mum, I hope you love me as much as I do.

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Just in case I can't post an update tomorrow, I've decided to update today. I hope I didn't ruin your day😕

Have a great Saturday/Sunday depending on where you guys are💜