Waving Through A Window

Emotions

I find as time goes on I either feel nothing, or everything at once. But as days pass and weeks turn into months I find that nothing is a more common feeling that anything. I'm so used to feeling nothing that it doesn't even bother me anymore. I once thought that it was impossible to feel nothing or think about nothing, but I sure have proven myself wrong.

I can sit there for hours, listening to music, staring at the wall. Laying down on my bed and staring at the ceiling not thinking, not caring, not feeling.

There's only one emotion that bothers to stay around. Sadness. Brokenness. Loneliness. Sure, happiness comes in waves, when I'm talking to a friend or watching a video, but as soon as that is over the happiness dares not to linger.

I find that happiness is ever fleeting.

Depression looms over like a terrifying beast and suicidal thoughts stands intimidatingly in the background. Though I promised myself that I wouldn't be selfish enough to kill myself. I'd rather bear the pain myself than pass it one to someone else.

I've seemed to have lost creativity, motivation and imagination. It comes and goes,  but it never seems to stay long. I've started to draw more, and write less, except for poems and rants like these. It's the easiest way to express myself, I suppose.

It's often that when all my emotions come crashing back in, and I feel everything at once, I don't know what to feel or how I act. I get so confused, so lost until it all vanishes and I'm left with nothing once more.

The overwhelming feeling of nothing washes over me.

I often have times where I feel I can't breathe. I am breathing, my chest rises and falls, but it's almost as if my mind is convinced that I'm not. I don't panic, I just try to breathe, slow and deep breaths or I just remind myself that I actually am breathing, so it's fine.

And sometimes, my heart feels like it's racing, pounding out of my chest yet at the same time it's beating so slow I should be worried if I'm still alive.

In this jumble of emotions I find that I don't know how to think, how to act or what to do. But the best way to express myself is by telling this to you.