Similarities and Differences

Trust

Saturday, August 5

Yesterday, my friend, Whitney, and I hung out. She has a daughter, Rose, who is about Ava's age. Whitney wanted me to open enroll Ava in their town. I also work in that town, I just don't feel comfortable open enrolling Ava just so Whitney, who I barely know, can watch her. I looked into it to just say I did, but there's no way I am going allow that.

Whitney seems like a nice girl, and we even talked about dating, but I'm just not ready. I haven't dated anyone since I've had Ava. I just... I don't want a relationship, but like Whitney said yesterday, Ava needs a consistent motherly figure in her life. I don't know if Aunt Jen is the best option for that or not. I feel like Uncle Mike and Aunt Jen are more like grandparents to Ava, which isn't a bad thing.

It's so complicated because there are so many things in Ava's life that are destined to go wrong, but I've been doing everything I can to try to avoid all of that. I have to be careful about everything I do around her. 

She's getting less and less innocent everyday, and I'm dreading the day she finds out her own mother killed someone. I can barely talk about it for one thing, but I know she's going to have a lot of questions. I hope I can tell her on my own time before she digs up the information herself.

Mike is a pastor at a church, but I want to test out a few other churches because I just don't really feel at home there. It's not Mike; it's the people there. I just don't really feel welcomed. They are your stereotypical upper middle class Christians. I don't belong there. They have perfect lives, and most of them don't know what it's like to not know where your next meal is coming from. I'm not even saying that's a bad thing. I just don't fit in there.

Whitney actually invited us to her church. They have churches that worship on Saturday nights here in Iowa. They didn't do that in my small town in Alabama.

I didn't really know what to expect, but when I walked in, I just felt so welcomed. Little girls were greeting us. Ava was happy to sit with Rose at church. When I sat with Whitney, I thought that people might think we were together or married, and I almost liked the idea of having a family that looked normal.

The church was a little bigger than Mike's church, and the pastor here just seemed more into trying to get us to fall into God's great grace instead of trying to teach us to lead perfect lives. I need that. I just don't really wanna go to this church because it's even farther away than Mike's church. And I do not wanna get too close to Whitney.

Afterwards, Whitney invited us to dinner at Applebee's. I don't know how Ava and Rose have gotten so tight so quickly, but that's great. Whitney then invited us to hang out at their house. I felt like I couldn't say no, and I didn't like it. I don't know Whitney very well, and I don't know if I can trust her.

Whitney had gotten pregnant right after high school and decided to get married, but that didn't work out. She somehow managed to get a decent job without much college where she can work from home and watch Rose. They have a nicer and newer house than we do. Our house is nice, but it's older and not very big, but it works for Ava and I.

Whitney and I were alone again tonight, but this time we were just sitting on her couch, drinking a soda. She respects the fact that I don't drink.

"Whitney," I said, "I looked into open enrolling Ava, and it's unlikely that it would work out."

"That sucks. You should still try to contact them on Monday."

I out my hands up. "Whitney, no. In all due respect, I barely know you."

She crossed her arms and frowned a little, almost embarrassed. "I was just trying to help."

"I don't need your help," I told her. "I've been doing just fine on my own, and I already have it under control."

She nodded slowly, avoiding my eyes. "I get it, but when you think you have everything under control, it's going to backfire when you find out you're wrong."

I decided to do the right and honest thing. "I knew I was wrong to say that as the words came out of my mouth. I'm sorry. I just don't think I'm ready to move her to a new district just for a woman who I barely know. I have to do what's best for Ava."

"I bet she would love to come home to a friend everyday after school opposed to being home alone, Steven."

"Then I don't want to date you if you're going to be in my daughter's life." Yes, I called Ava my daughter, and not by accident. And, yes, last night Whitney and I talked about potentially dating.

"You're not ready to commit to a relationship at all because you think it's just going to fall through, don't you?" Whitney didn't even seem mad. Why does she have to be so attractive and kind and right all at the same time?

"You hit the nail on the head."

"Do you really think that Ava is better off with you as a single parent?"

"If I get into a relationship, and it falls through, absolutely. My mom had random boyfriends on and off, and..." I never open up about this.

"And what?"

"It's just..." I shook my head, leaning back into the couch. "I don't want to talk about this."

"You've seen the negative effects of single parents having relationships," she stated.

I nodded. "Yeah, I have." I swallowed. "Whitney, I didn't grow up with a good example when it came to relationships. I wouldn't even know where to begin."

"Did you have a good example of a parent?"

"Not biological."

"Well, you're doing a pretty damn good job with Ava, and you figured that out all on your own, but I will respect the fact you aren't emotionally ready for a relationship."

What does "emotionally ready" even mean?

"Well, thank you." I didn't know what else to say.

Honestly, I'm embarrassed about this. It shouldn't be this hard for me to trust people.

"At least you're honest about your insecurities."

She was not making me feel any better. "Oh, thanks."

Then I convinced her that we should watch the movie the pastor talked about at church today because I didn't want to talk to her anymore.