Similarities and Differences

Last Night

Saturday, August 12

I woke up this morning in my father's three bedroom lake house, and last night's conversation started playing back in my head. We didn't say a whole lot to each other after our emotional conversation last night. He wanted to go to bed, and I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep right anyway, so I wrote yesterday's entry. It was one of the toughest entries I have ever written. I couldn't fall asleep until after midnight, and I woke up at 6:30. When I started thinking about everything again, I just got up to shower. When I got out, my dad was in the kitchen, making coffee. He was showered and ready for the day. Man, I look so much like him.

It's so weird to be living with my dad. It had been a dream of mine since I was a kid, but I began to realize how complicated all of this is.

"Hey, good morning," he said. His eyes were almost heavy.

How were we supposed to act like last night didn't happen? It wasn't even an argument; it was just raw ugly emotion.

"Hey." I glanced at him.

"How'd you sleep?"

"All right." Once I got to sleep. "You?"

"Eh, not too well. Once you get old, like me, you won't sleep as well." He gave me a weak smile. "Do you want to grab some breakfast somewhere?"

"Sure." I wasn't that hungry.

"Then we'll go fishing."

"Sounds good."

So we did that, and I didn't have a whole lot to say this morning, and neither did he. It was awkward. See, this is why people don't open up, it's just awkward afterwards.

We got set up to go fishing in his boat after breakfast, and we made more small talk, trying to make it less awkward. We ate lunch on the lake. I wanted to acknowledge the conversation that we had last night, but I didn't know how. I felt like we had ended it on such a bad note, even though it ended in a hug. I said things I shouldn't have said, and I still didn't get closure.

We didn't catch as many fish as Dad wanted, but we still had enough for dinner. I don't know a whole lot about cooking fish, and we were in the sun today, so when we got home, I took another shower while he got the fish ready. We're both really pale skinned, light haired people, so we both got pretty burnt, even with sunscreen. I can get tan, and I have gotten pretty tan over the last few month's because I've had to do a lot of work on and for the house, but I was still hurting by the time we had gotten back to the house.

When I got out of the shower, I didn't really want to go outside to help my dad grill. I missed Ava, so I FaceTimed her, so I had an excuse to not talk to him. Then she was called to dinner by Ronda, so I decided to go outside to help Dad.

"Ava and I were FaceTiming," I told him as I came out.

He smiled a little. "Do you miss her?"

I nodded, pressing my lips together. "Yeah, I really do."

"I think it's good that we've had time alone together though."

I sighed, looking at the grill. "I agree."

We were just sitting on his deck in yellow adirondack chairs, waiting for the fish to cook. "What's on your mind?" he asked.

I shook my head a little. "I can't stop thinking about last night." I probably should've told him this morning before we spent the whole day together.

"Me neither." He looked me straight in the eye.

"And I think I need to apologize. I didn't handle it very well. I wasn't very courteous of how you feel about everything. I know you were young when you made the decision to leave. I don't want people judging me for decisions I made when I was that age, so I won't judge you." I took in a deep breath. "In truth, I'm pissed about the whole thing, but at the same time, I'm so lucky. I have a good life now. So do you. Unfortunately, Stacey, my sister just couldn't get it together, but that's not your fault or my fault. She made those decisions, and her circumstances were no excuse." I swallowed, shaking my head, not knowing if I could continue. "At the end of the day, I've had the opportunity to be the light in so many lives because I understand what they've gone through, and I am forever grateful. Had everything not worked out how it did, I wouldn't have had that opportunity." I paused, not able to look at him anymore. He looked like he was about to cry. "Last night, I really got on you for leaving when you didn't deserve it, and I'm sorry because I believe God works all things together for good."

He didn't say anything for a moment. I stared down, not knowing if I made this better or worse.

"Thank you for saying that," he finally said as he cleared his throat. "I don't deserve you, I am so thankful to have you back in my life. I'm so lucky that you're so affable and gracious. I love you so much. And I don't tell you that enough.

I don't think either one of us wanted to cry again, but his words meant a lot. "That means everything. I love you, too." I don't say that to people very often unless it's Ava.

The rest of the night felt so good. The tension is gone. I'm so lucky.