Similarities and Differences

The Last Three Months

Wednesday, August 9

So I edited the last three months' blogs today because I wanted to reread it just for fun and to edit grammar. Ava had spent the night at our neighbors', so I had some time this morning to curl up on the couch and edit through the last three and a half months of my life.

I forgot how tough the last three months have been. I forgot how much I didn't wanna move in May. I forgot how much it hurt, haha. Reading back, I remembered the last day I was in my school, and I remember how emotional it was for me to leave. Honestly, I didn't need to to relive that. I still don't think I'll be making as big of a difference here in Iowa, and I was actually doing something important down in Alabama.

When I was little, all I wanted to do was move away. I finally got that chance when I went to basic training and then to college. When I got called back to work in my hometown, I didn't really have a choice because I didn't have any other offers at the time. Reading May's blog entries again made me revisit the good times and the bad times I had as a teacher in Alabama. There were some days where I would come home, feeling like there was absolutely no hope for our future generation in that town. I can't even tell you how many days ended with me just praying. Fights would break out every few days and these kids had little hope. I had to follow through with my threats when it came to punishment because if I didn't, they wouldn't trust me. At the same time, my goal was to encourage each to student and to show them that they had it in them to succeed in life. I made it clear to each one of them that they had it in them to graduate and go to college.

I felt like I was breaking through the brokenness of the town, and then all of a sudden I knew I had to leave. I did it for Ava. I wasn't raising my own child in the best school district. In fact, I was raising her in one of the poorest school districts in the nation.

The transition tore me apart because I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. I knew that coming back here to Iowa would change everything. I feel so spoiled here, and reading back about Alabama is just weird because it feels like a different life. I left my students who needed someone to encourage them daily though, and I can't forget that.

There were some moments in June with Uncle Mike and Aunt Jen I also didn't want to relive. June was a good month for me though because my relationships with my family grew a lot, and that meant a lot to me. It made me realize how much support I had up here, and it also made me realize how broken Uncle Mike and Aunt Jen's relationships were with their own kids. It made me realize how many people take their family for granted.

Reading July's blog was by far the hardest to relive. I reunited with my father for the first time since I was a baby. I don't even think I've mentioned it at all in this month's blog because I don't really enjoy talking about it.

My dad and have I talked a little this month, and we are going to see each other this weekend before school starts and the eclipse. We're working to build up our relationship, and we're planning on going to his lake house in Minnesota. He has enough money for a lake house, but he couldn't afford to take care of his two kids that he abandoned. Whatever. I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, and this month's blog is just ambiguous. I don't even know what's happening here. I can't believe my second entry of this month is about a crazy dream I had about my family dying. What the heck? I also just don't like having the deep conversations with Whitney and Ava about trusting people, so publishing that is embarrassing. 

I think it's funny how I've been somewhat open throughout this blog about how not open I am.
I think writing things out has helped me, but when I talk about certain things out loud, it's tough.

I've grown a lot over the last three months, but I want to be able to open up to my friends and family more.