Similarities and Differences

It's Not Yours To Carry

Sunday, August 13

Dad and I went to his church near his lake house. I think it's good that he prioritizes going to church.

The pastor talked about how we need to praise God, even when times get tough, we need to not panic, worry, or quit. Instead, we need to pray, wait, and keep moving forward. I tell you, I've wanted to give up so many times in my life, but I'm so thankful I didn't. 

"That was a good sermon," I said to my dad as we were walking out. 

"Yeah, I wish I could be more like Paul by not complaining at the slightest issue, ya know?"

"I get that, and I think as I've gotten older, I've realized that God uses all of our tears to make a beautiful garden."

"Elaborate, please."

"I didn't really know God until after my mom died, but through that, I learned how to trust God." I sighed. "I know God didn't want to give me the pain, but He used it all the same. He was walking through life with me. I was never alone."

We got into his truck, and he looked at me before starting the engine. "Is that one of the reasons why you're willing to be so gracious towards me?"

I stared out the window. "Yeah, I guess so." I paused. "Also, I don't think it's fair to look at one mistake as if it's bigger than any of my mistakes. God doesn't look at it that way. Ya know, he looks at a sin and forgives no matter what. The size has never mattered."

He released a breath that he was holding, but he didn't say anything to that. He just drove off. It was weird because I felt like I was the father in this situation, comforting my son. In some ways, I feel more mature than my dad. I've probably been through more than he has to say the least. 

"I don't want you to focus on the past," I said after a few moments.

He glanced over at me. "My mistakes are affecting the present and the future."

He was right, but... "Why can't you understand that God uses all things together?"

"Because it didn't work out for the person Stacey killed. It didn't work out for Stacey. Ava doesn't have a mom. You didn't have a father. You didn't have a good life, which is affecting you emotionally now. I'm focusing on the present and the past is still affecting us."

I just want to move on, but I have to be courteous of the fact he's still healing. I've had to learn how to forgive more people than he has, so I'm probably better at it.

"And Ava is going to turn out just fine." I hope. "Stacey made her decisions on her own. You can't control what other people do. I know what it's like to carry the guilt because I wonder if I could've done more for Stacey, too. No one is perfect though. Jesus died for you, feeling your shame, so you don't have to carry that anymore. It's not yours to carry."

"That doesn't make it right though," he mumbled. 

"The worst thing you could do right now is drown in the guilt. I chose not to drown in guilt when everything with Stacey happened because I had a child to raise. I need you to be strong right now. For me."

It was an overcast morning, so he wasn't wearing sunglasses. His eyes were bloodshot. It killed me to see him carry so much guilt for my sister and I. I knew he couldn't talk. I had more to say, but I didn't want to talk at him. 

It was a pretty short drive, so we didn't say anything else. When we got back to the house, he parked his truck in the driveway because he doesn't have a garage up there. 

When we got out of the truck, I put a hand on his back before we went inside. "Hey, I want you to know that I don't blame you. You have to make the decision to forgive yourself or you will drown in the pain. I know it hurts, but you cannot go on like this." 

He couldn't even look at me as he stopped walking. I wrapped my arm around him. And he turned and wrapped both of his arms around me. I could feel him shake because he was trying so hard to be strong by holding it together. 

I need to give him time, too. I was so caught up in my emotions, I forgot how much harder this is on him. 

I pulled away, deciding I couldn't meet his eyes either. I led him to the door and he unlocked the door.

"Thank you for everything," he said weakly when we finally got inside.

"Thank you for everything," I said back. "You gave me life."

He bit his lip, nodding as he met my eyes.

Then we both went upstairs to our rooms to pack.  

On the way home, we talked a lot about his parents. He just told them that we reunited about a week ago, and they would like to meet me sometime soon. He's also interested in meeting Stacey. I told him he should wait. 

I guess we ended this weekend on a really good note, but this weekend has been emotionally draining. I'm thankful for every moment though because it has only made my relationship with my father stronger.