Similarities and Differences

Legacy

Wednesday, August 16

I'm so tired because Ava woke me up this morning at 5:20 because she couldn't sleep, so she wanted to eat breakfast. I remember the times when I was younger and couldn't sleep. My mom sometimes stayed with me until I fell back asleep or just made an early breakfast, so I want to live out that legacy.

I made Ava sunny side up eggs and toast for breakfast. I don't get her thing with those eggs. They have very little flavor even with salt and pepper, but she just loves them anyway.

I've been trying to get a lot of reading done to prepare for the school year, so I read a lot this morning, which was productive. I can't take naps. Once I'm up, I'm up, and I think naps are a waste of time. I mean, it's not like you're doing anything productive unless you're really really tired.

This afternoon, we got together with our friends, Whitney and Rose. If you have been keeping up with this month's blog posts then you probably remember Whitney. She's a single mom, and she and I have talked about dating. Bluntly said, I have been really shy with her and have had trouble trusting her because I don't want to date her and then break up because I don't think that's fair to Ava.

I've been thinking a lot over the last week or so, and I needed to sit down with Whitney today, and talk to her about what was on my mind. She invited us over today.

While the girls watched a movie, Whitney and I sat in her sun room.

"So, I think I need to explain a few things," I told her right off the bat.

She nodded. "Okay..."

"I know you think you know my backstory, but you don't know most of it at all. Very few people know all of it." She looked kind of scared. "Last month, I reunited with my dad for the first time, and I think that's why it's has been harder for me to trust people in general. A lot of my childhood has flowed back into my mind, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it's testing my ability to trust people because when I was little, fatherly figures came into my life for a short period of time and left." I took in a deep breath. "Now, that my dad is back in my life, I'm not only afraid that he's going to leave, I'm afraid that I'm going to get into a relationship with you, and it won't work out, causing Ava to feel abandoned. I don't want that." I swallowed. "But I'm willing to take that risk if I think that's what I need to do."

"Do you think that's what you need to do?" she asked quietly.

I thought about it. I knew the answer. I looked into her bright eyes. Her blonde hair against her tan skin was perfect. She has her priorities straight in life. We have that cliché connection. "What are your thoughts?"

She smiled a little. "Wanna know the truth?"

"Well, yeah, I do." I smiled back at her.

"You're the kind of man I have been looking for. I know you would treat Rose right, and I know it's early, so I'll respect that, but I—"

"I'm willing to take the risk." I looked down. "I don't want to tell the girls for a while until we know it's actually going to work."

"I want to tell Rose. I haven't yet, but I don't want any secrets."

"Fine, then we're not going to be officially together, and we'll play it by ear. Then there's no obligation on either side." My tone wasn't sharp, but it was stern.

"Fair."

"Okay."

Then I risked it all, and I told her the story of my life in detail. Y'all, as readers, don't even know the details when it comes down to it. I feel like y'all only know about the negative stuff of my past. There were some pretty great memories of my childhood, but there were also some moments that I try not to relive. Whitney reacted so graciously to everything. She told me that she respects me so much more now and understands me better, but it just confirmed who I was. She told me she could tell I was strong and genuine.

Do people really look at me and think I'm strong? That means so much. Maybe that's what my mom wanted my legacy to be.

I think she would be proud of me.