irl

Chapter 30

Dan surprised himself with his outburst of emotions. Only moments before he had told himself that he couldn't confess anything to Phil. Suddenly, he just poured out what he could without revealing his true feelings.

It was true that his parents and the girl that he still couldn't remember the name of affected his mental state. What he said to Phil had not been lies, but his true pain laid within the relationship between George and Phil. He plopped back on his bed, staring into the light that shone from his ceiling. He blinked away spots from his vision and sat up, sighing.

Nothing was going to change for him. His parents weren't suddenly going to love him. The rejection wasn't going to stop haunting his thoughts. Phil wasn't going to magically fall in love with him. Dan knew it to be so dumb to ever want to kill himself, or cut, but he had no outlet for his pain. He did not wish himself dead, he merely wished that he had someone to confide to that understood his position.

Louise was a great friend, of course, but she was in a relationship and she had never known the dreadfulness of being antisocial or mildly depressed. She had always been outgoing, even at the time in highschool in which she had no friends.

Of course, Dan denied all thoughts of being even mildly depressed, though to you, my reader, it should be evident that Dan's mental being was not okay. It was far from it.

Dan searched his mind, he tried to think of one person that may understand how he felt, at least to some degree. Or at least someone that was not in a relationship, but would listen.

Someone popped into his mind. It was a long shot, but he was willing to at least try. He dialed the number of this person, but they did not pick up the phone. He was left with a generic message of the person saying to leave a message and that they would get back to the caller at a later time.

"Hey, it's Dan Howell, from... a while ago. I-I couldn't think of anyone else to talk to, and I've got some stuff on my mind. Please call me when you can, I know I haven't even seen you in ages, and this is super weird, b-but just call me back, please," Dan ended the message. He sighed aloud once more, he'd always been shit at phone calls, especially leaving messages. He could only think of how stupid he sounded, stuttering on the recording.

Dan heard Phil yelling to him that he was leaving, and Dan shouted back a farewell. Just as he heard the door close, Dan's phone rang. The number belonging to the person he had left the message to.

"Dan Howell. How long as it been? Six years, maybe?" The voice came through the phone, pretty cheery. Dan began to think maybe the decision to talk to this person might've been bad, but he spoke, anyway.
"You still remember me, Tom?"
"Of course. You know how close the Ridgewell family and the Howells were. What brings you to call me at a time such as now? How're things?"
"That's kinda what I needed to talk to you about," Dan admitted. "But first of all, let me get you caught up on my life since I left for university."

Dan spoke to Tom Ridgewell of how he dropped out of university and moved back in. How his father left and Dan came out, and his text conversations with Phil. Dan explained how he moved out, unwillingly, and how Phil moved in with him.

"Okay, so if all that is not even the thing you wanted to talk about, you've got some problems," Tom said, laughing dryly. It wasn't really a joke.
"Yeah, it's all emotional, though. I've had no one to talk to about what I'm going to say, and you were the only person I could think of. I know that back in the day you were... sorta bullied or whatever, you never had a relationship or anything, so you seemed like the person that would understand me best. Are you in a relationship now?"
Tom's laughter filled the phone speaker and Dan became glad.
"Are you kidding me? I'm as much of a twat as I was back then!" He exclaimed, Dan could hear the smile in his voice. He was happy to hear that though not much had changed, Tom was definitely happier.
"Okay, back to my problem, I'm... I like Phil, like that... but he's kinda dating somebody and I'm slowly losing my mind. I'm finding it harder and harder to hide it and I just need someone to talk to about it. My only other friend is in a relationship and overall wouldn't get it. I know we were only really family friends, but it's just eating at me, Tom," he explained frantically.
"Wow. Okay. I was right, you've got way worse problems. Emotions are hard to keep at bay for such a long time, but what can you do? He's in a relationship, there's almost no chance he feels the same way, so you can't tell him. That fucking sucks, dude."
"Exactly," Dan basically shouted. "It's terrible for me, and I'm not the type that would, like, try to separate Phil and George. The problem is that there's basically no reason for me to not like George. Except this one thing that happened this one time," Dan said hesitantly.
"Yeah, and what's that?"
Dan hesitated.
"He got Phil drunk then had sex with him. Phil wouldn't have done it otherwise and he knew that! It pisses me off, partially because I'm so protective of Phil because I love him. Love. It's such a strong word, yet I can say without a doubt that it's what I am feeling. I just don't like him, anymore," he said more to himself than to Tom.
"I already don't like this George guy," Tom concluded, directing Dan's train of thought back on the track of their conversation.
"The problem is that that incident is the only bad thing. Other than that he's kinda awesome, he's sweet and funny and he's even got a cool job at BBC."
"Wait–he's George Salazar, isn't he? He has his own radio show. Dude, you're fucked, there's no beating that."
"Thanks, captain obvious," Dan sighed.
"Sorry. But seriously, Phil just hasn't been with him long enough to unearth the flaws that he does have. There's no way that there's nothing else that's wrong with him. Eventually this will cause their relationship to become rocky and when they break up... you'll be there with open arms, Dan," Tom assured. "Everyone has flaws," he said, quiter. He was, no doubt, referring to himself. Dan recognized this, seeing the bit of highschool Tom that he thought had dissipated.
"Thanks, Tom. You helped lift my spirits a bit," Dan smiled, even though the person at the other end of the line couldn't see it.
"No problem, buddy."
"Take care of yourself," Dan said, serious.
"You too," Tom responded, his tone of voice also completely solemn.

Tom hung up.