irl

Chapter 47

Normal normal and normal, that's how it went. Everything was normal, everything was fine. There were no problems, it seemed. Dan had gotten a new phone, the rent was being payed, their friendship seemed perfectly normal... but they were just ignoring the abnormality.

Feelings and emotions were just being put to the side, neither of the two had taken action to talk about what they were, who they were to eachother.

Phil hadn't even noticed that he seemed to pick up more about Dan. His appearance, his funny jokes, intelligent observations, his little quirks. On the other hand Dan was allowing himself to feel his feelings for Phil, but he said nothing of it. It was less painful and more annoying. He knew that Phil knew, yet both of them actively avoided the topic. It was obvious they would need to talk about it eventually, they just kept putting it aside to avoid the potential awkwardness the conversation would undoubtably carry. Both of them being naturally socially awkward (Dan more so than Phil), they were in no rush to have that discussion.

So life went on normally for a month. July turned into August and the days were constantly hot, so that being outside made you sweat and feel exhausted all of a sudden. The sun seemed to beat down on the entirety of London all day until the night, when it got cooler and the crickets would've sung, if London weren't a bustling city full of people.

One night, Dan was unable to sleep, he just wasn't tired, so he lay awake, staring out his window at the street. It was empty and he could hear dogs barking in the distance and cars cruising along otherwise mostly deserted roads. Every so often people would walk past the apartment building, but then they would leave Dan's field of vision and all would be calm and normal again.

How can the world be so calm and normal when my world is nowhere near that? Sure, maybe my daily life has resumed being calm and normal but there's just so much going through my head. My brain isn't calm and normal. It's an inner war sometimes, even about the stupidest things. Of course, Phil takes up a large portion of my thoughts because I'm in love with him and he knows but he's fucking ignoring it. But what am I supposed to do? I can't say anything, it'd be weird, and he might not be ready to talk. At the same time it's been weeks, and it's nagging at me every morning when we sit in silence to eat breakfast together. Why can't we just talk about it? Why can't I be not so nervous about the discussion and get it over with. Why can't I just get told that he doesn't like me like that and have that be that! It would put my mind at ease, even though it would break my heart. I don't know what he feels or what we are and how we keep ignoring this whole thing. I've been going to therapy and while it's been helping me, I can't feel closure about everything that happened until I speak about it with Phil.

So that's it, tomorrow, during breakfast, I will bring it up and we'll talk.

~•~

Breakfast was completely silent, Dan's mind racing. He eventually decided to chicken out and got up, putting his dirty plate into the soapy sink. He texted Louise, flopped back on his bed.

Dan: Hey you wanna meet up after I finish work?

Lou: yeah, sure, where?

Dan: Starbucks, where we can channel our inner white girl

Lou: sounds good to me, see ya later

He needed a friend to talk to about all that he had been through and how to exactly approach Phil about... well, everything. They desperately needed a heart-to-heart talk about events and emotions.

So after finishing his job at the cinema that day, Dan met up with Louise, ordering a frappuccino of some sort.
"Hey Louise, what's up?"
"Not much, how've you been?" She asked, taking a sip of her iced coffee.
"I don't know? Everything seems fine, but everything just doesn't feel quite fine," Dan sighed, hoping that his message was getting across.
"Elaborate," Louise pressed, her full serious attention on Dan and his life problems.

But Dan became temporarily distracted. He had spotted somebody. He gave Louise a quick glance, and whispered,
"George is here."

There he was, waiting in line, seeming completely normal until Dan caught his eye. They stared at eachother for a few seconds before George nervously looked away, stepping forwards in line. Dan didn't take his eyes off the other man until he had left the establishment, drink in hand.

"Okay, now that the sleazy bitch has left, tell me was bugging you," Louise urged, nudging Dan to gain his attention.
"Right, okay," he took in a breath. "Ever since the... uh... incident, Phil and I haven't talked about said incident. More specifically, the fact that I confessed to him and kissed him. I told myself that I would approach him about it this morning, but I chickened out and I don't know how to do it," Dan explained hastily, unconsciously speaking really fast.
"Calm your man-tits, Howell. It's all gonna be okay."
"I know, I'm just anxious that it's gonna be super awkward because we both know he doesn't feel the same way and it's just... ugh!" He groaned, sliding his hands down his face.
"Just do it. Don't worry and don't think too hard about it. If you try to plan it all out in your head, you're gonna overthink and make it worse for yourself. Since you've both put it off so long I suggest just going for it. Just say you wanna talk about what happened and... talk. You two are best friends, it'll be okay. You just need to let go of all of your inhibitions."
"Okay," Dan sighed, understanding.

Just do it. Don't let your dreams be dreams, he imagined Shia Lebeouf screaming at him. Yesterday you said tomorrow!

Just.
Do.
It.

3 chapters left.