irl

Chapter 45

That silent day, Phil's mind was set aflame with thoughts.

I wish he had told me how bad this depression was so it could've gotten helped sooner, but I'm not even sure that he knew it himself. He confessed to almost jumping off a bridge, something I will have to ask him about in the future. Then there's George, who I have already fallen out of love with? I mean, yes, he was kind and amazing otherwise, but based on what he did and how he lied, there's no way of knowing that anything he said to me was sincere. It could've been a filthy act this entire time. I can't believe how I overlooked the drunk incident, no wonder Dan was so pissed about it, I was totally being used.

Phil sighed, not knowing what to do or what to feel.

Meanwhile, on this same silent day, Dan's mind was also racing.

Holy shit my brain is so fucked. How could I have not even noticed this before, I thought Phil was the ignorant one. I guess I just ignored it... I tried to suppress feelings and tell myself that everything was okay when it really wasn't. The worst part is that even though I confided in Louise about it, that didn't help me one bit. It just made me shove it all down deeper until it finally exploded last night.

Last night was hellish. I lost my mind for a bit and nearly killed myself. What was I thinking?! I have so much to live for, so why would I even consider taking that leap to my death? I know that my mental health isn't the best, and while that's a huge understatement I also know that I'm smart. How could I've let myself spiral down into this state of mind? I know that it's stupid and dumb, but I suppose I just can't help but feel like shit sometimes.

Dan sat up. He wanted to call or text Louise, but then remembered that his phone was gone. He instantly regretted throwing it on the ground and then into a river.
"Thats just great," he muttered to himself.

He stood up, realizing that he was filthy, still in his sweatpants and t-shirt. He decided to take a shower, finally washing away all the sweat and tears from the last twenty hours of his life. They were a really confusing and painful twenty hours he had to live through.

After his row with Phil, Dan had left the house and in his memory of it was all just a puzzling blur of hurt and confusion. He only clearly remembered a few moments from the previous night, and he honestly didn't mind. It was over now, and that's all that mattered to him.

Phil had only realized that yelling at Dan had not been the greatest idea until after his restless night. It was miserable, to say the least. Phil only slept for minutes at a time. His mind was racing, full of turmoil and remorse. He was terribly angry at George and he was extremely hurt by his lies. He also couldn't help but think of Dan that night, though still really angry with him, but he was his friend. He couldn't help but think of the night he himself had gotten lost in London and wondered if he would wake up to Dan asleep against the door.

When he had awoken to no sign of Dan the next morning, it hit him like a ton of bricks how much emotional pain Dan had probably been going through, and what Dan could've done throughout the course of that night.

He completely panicked, and, well, you know the rest of the story.

~•~

That quiet day, they silently decided to keep to themselves for a little while, to sort their thoughts out. Dan used to phone that was already in the flat to call Louise's cell to talk, surprised that he still remembered her number by heart.

"Hello?" She asked when she picked up, obviously not recognizing the number.
"Hey, Lou," Dan said.
"Dan? Holy shit! I saw you on the news! What the hell happened?" She instantly panicked.
"I'll explain in just a second, but I just need you to know that I'm at my flat now all safe and my phone is gone."
"Okay," Louise calmed down a little, taking in a deep breath.

Then Dan explained the entire thing, recalling basically everything that had happened the previous night and that morning.

"That explains a lot," Louise said, obviously in disbelief that everything had happened. "I told you you needed help, Dan," she said softly.
"I know, I know. That'll be arranged soon, but for now I'm just relaxing."
"That's good."
"The only thing that's been nagging at me all day is that Phil knows that I like... love him... but hasn't really said anything else about it. I know he doesn't feel the same way, hell, he just got out of a relationship. I just... don't know where we stand," Dan explained, sighing. Louise seemed to understand what he was saying, mhm hmming Dan.
"There's probably a lot going through his head at this point, and maybe he's just trying to figure out how to approach it. It's a touchy subject, and maybe he just needs time to think about all of it, to sort it all out in his mind. Maybe he realized that he does like you now that George is out of the picture. I dunno. Give it time," Louise tried to assure Dan.
"I highly doubt he magically has feelings for me now, but thanks Louise. This means a whole lot to me, and I'm sorry for ignoring you. You were only trying to help," Dan said, his voice quiet.
"It's fine, Dan, you're better now and that's what matters. We'll talk soon, okay? Just call if you need anything." Dan could nearly hear Louise's small, comforting smile as she hung up.

He felt a lot better than he did before.

Five more chapters left.