Irreplaceable

Chapter 22

I wake up confused on my bed, still in my clothes from the previous day and lying curled up in the middle of the hotel bed. I blink a few times and look up to the ceiling and everything comes flooding back into my head, but instead of crying like I thought I would I laugh bitterly in my head.

I'm too good for any of them, it's their stupid loss.
I'm too good for any of them, it's their stupid loss.
I'm too good for any of them, it's their stupid loss.

I continue to repeat the mantra in my head, trying to convince myself and cover up my emotional insecurities but with every word of the phrase I repeat the frustration bubbles up inside of me and after a while I give up, there is no use. I knew better than anyone that it wasn't true. I grab my phone that was on the far end of the bed to check the time only to remember that it is dead and I hadn't plugged it in last night either.

Unwillingly I crawl out of bed and get my charger out of my bag plugging my phone in and heading to the bathroom.
Staring in the mirror, I don't see a supposed star who everyone believed to be pretty, or the person that made it on the front cover of magazines, that boys were dying to take out on a date, that is all a lie.
Instead I see a girl who can't get things right with the guys she likes, I don't see a girl who is pretty, I see a girl with smudged mascara and red puffy eyes with huge under-eye bags and swollen lips. I see a girl with huge brown eyes, too big for her own face, a strange nose slightly crooked from the time I hit it as a child, only normal sized lips not the type that attracted attention and a strange face shape with a chin that stuck out slightly. Alongside this I noticed my messy hair, all tangled probably from my constant tossing and turning the previous night, tangled yet still flat framing my face.
I'm okay looking, but that was the problem- all guys wanted someone that was above and beyond okay. The want someone that was gorgeous and no matter what anyone told me, I would never be that girl.
Sighing I run my hand through my hair and slowly peel my clothes off and step into the shower. I let the hot water cascade down me, soothing me and washing away all my insecurities, removing the hurt and confusion I went through last night, removing all my feelings for Noah and Shawn- why chase after people that you won't be able to have? I stand there for a while just thinking, and only when I realise that I'm wasting water I reluctantly stop the flowing water.

I step out of the shower feeling to a certain degree refreshed, and sigh in content, almost as if the shower has somewhat washed away my problems and some of my insecurities. Wanting to still be in some hot water, as it seems to be the only thing that calms me, yet there was no bath tub in the hotel room I decide to head downstairs to the hot tub. I dry my hair vigorously, until there isn't a single droplet of water in sight and tie it up into a messy bun at the top of my head. I put on my bikini throwing a pair of shorts and a random shirt on top and grab my towel ready to head downstairs, completely oblivious to my phone- I wasn't ready to face the reality yet and wanted to stay in my small oblivious bubble a little longer.

My stomach lets out a little grumble reminding me that I haven't eaten since last night and I head straight to the little cafe that was in the hotel. I order a sandwich and a smoothie and wait on the side once I have payed as they prepare it. I notice a small huddle and as I start to pay more attention I see that its Andrew and a few of the band members talking away happily someone with their hood up sat with them but definitely not Shawn- it wasn't the right body shape, mentally I make a note to go over and say a quick hello once I received my food. The cashier places my smoothie in front of me sticking a red straw into it, my favourite colour. In a strange way it gives me hope that today might be a good day after all, so long as I avoid Noah and Shawn, of course the latter would be more difficult, and taking a sip of my drink confirms that the day is already starting to look brighter- sometimes it's just the little things.

I approach the table Andrew and the crew are sat at and I put a name to the mystery figure, one that makes my heart beat faster (and not in a good way) with a look at the face I spin on my heel and walk in a completely opposite direction finding a table in the far back corner, where I sit down and quickly devour my sandwich and gulp down my drink within a matter of minutes and sit there contemplating my next move.

I get up and keep my head down whilst I speed walk to the door, sighing in relief as I walk past the table unnoticed, I know I would face Noah at some point but I never thought it would be so soon. Or maybe I never saw him? Maybe I was just overthinking the past day that I mistook someone else for him? Not wanting to concentrate on the topic any longer and craving the feeling of hot water engulfing me I head over to the hot tub, I quickly run into the changing rooms where I remove my clothing leaving me only in my biking and I get a locker where I place all my clothing items and my towel that I would need after and with a small smile on my face (one that I didn't think would appear for a little while) I head over to the hot tub.

The one thing I had been looking forward to since I got out the shower.

The one thing that could cheer me up.

And as soon as I get there...

It's ruined, because apparently nothing can seem to go right. I struggle to take air in as I look at the sight in front of me, a lump starting to form in my throat and and trace of my slight smile from beforehand completely vanished. Why did it hurt so much?

There sat Shawn in the hot tub, his arms wrapped around a very comfortable looking Lauren who is currently sat on his lap, both making out with one another.

Why does it hurt so much?

I stand there for much longer than necessary looking at them, the pair completely oblivious to my presence as they continue to make out. I can't stop it and I don't, as silently as I came in I turn and walk out as silently. As soon as I leave the doors and their sights (not that they even knew or cared that I would be there) the tears start falling. I throw my shorts on and grab the rest simply staying in my bikini top and head back to my room.

Well, I try. I get stopped by fans who are waiting in the lobby and as much as I love them, I can't help but think who even let them in? The crowd around me asking me what's wrong, obviously meaning well but instead the suffocate me, make me feel trapped make me feel like I can't breathe at all, when I wasn't getting much in the first place my tears were coming out too fast, too ugly.

"What's wrong Eva?" Says one
"I hope she's okay." Says another
"I bet she finally realised she can't sing." Says a girl stood near the back
"How can someone still look so pretty when they cry? I look like a dying whale!" Says a girl who has her phone out recording. Great, this will now be all over social media.

"Guys, please can I just have some space, please? I promise I'll come back and take photos with you all later but for now plea-" my sentence never gets finished because the sobs start to take over, the fans step aside creating a pathway for me to walk on and I bury my face in my towel wiping away the tears as I head back to my room.

This is stupid right? They're just guys.
But then why does it hurt so bad?!

Once I get into my room I immediately throw myself onto my bed, allowing the ugly loud sobs I was holding in to come out, so ugly and so loud, and mostly completely heartbreaking. It shouldn't matter this much, should it? I've never felt so confused and drained- emotionally and mentally.

I lie there for a long while letting the sobs come out, and letting all my pain anger and hatred out of my system, feeling no better until I slowly start to fall back asleep...

♡

I made the chapter a lot longer than usual today!! I hope you guys enjoyed! Let me know what you thought! I feel so bad for Eva :( also I didn't want Lauren to be such a big part but she's turned out to be more important than I thought, my complete plan for the story just changed! Oh well haha

Also I think I'm gonna make the next chapter Shawns POV hopefully!!

See you in the next update!! Love you guys❤️❤️