Irreplaceable

Chapter 25

Shaws POV (part 3) 

A few moments later my conscious kicks in, telling me this is wrong. I'm taking advantage of her, so I pull away instantaneously wanting our lips to collide again. 

"I'm sorry," I whisper, because its the only thing I can think of, holding onto her our foreheads still touching, not able to pull away yet. 

"Don't be, I liked that." She says, making me momentarily elated until I realise reality, she's vulnerable. Confused. When she gathered her thoughts and feelings this would only end in heartbreak. 

Just push her away Shawn, it's better for both of you. My conscious informs me, controlling me and taking in a deep breath I tell Eva, 

"Of course you did, you're vulnerable and confused and I took advantage of that. I'm sorry, we should just go." I remove my arms from her and stand up, any space we had between us now vanished only leaving me craving for it to come back. 

"Shawn," she says gazing up at me "I know I was upset, I mean I still am but I'm most definitely not confused. I've never been so sure of anything, ever."

She stands up and I turn my back to her, not because I can't stand to see her, I could look at her all day but I know that if I watch her everything inside me would break. I don't deserve her, and I never will. I start picking up the very little amounts of litter scattered on the floor, getting lost in my thoughts, I know she's doing the same but I still can't bring myself to acknowledge her presence, and for once thought the night a heavy awkward silence hangs amongst us. As I continue to think, I realise that she would go running back to Noah, like she has done every time so far, every time when I thought I was getting so close to getting her she would fall for him again  and forgive him. The thought stays in my head, bitter and hurtful.   

"This was a mistake, please forget it happened." I say with my voice tight, I can bet you tomorrow her and Noah would sort everything out. And I would be pushed aside, stupidly ready to comfort her when he hurts Eva again. 

"What do you mean forget it happened?" I see the tears build up in my eyes, and all I want to do is wipe them away. But I can't. 

"Lets just head back,"

"I don't want to" God, why is she so stubborn? 

"Eva, don't make this more difficult than it needs to be," I state, wanting nothing else than to get back and bury myself in my guitar, in my music and of course Eva's arms but I dismiss that thought as quickly as it comes. 

"How am I making this difficult? God you're so confusing," Oh, I'm confusing? This girl has my thoughts in a mess and has done since the day I met her yet I'm the one that's confusing? 

Turning on my heel, I walk to the car ever so silently. Hoping Eva would follow behind me, because either way I would wait for her, I would never leave her stranded. As I sit in the car I throw my head into my hands which rest on the steering wheel, taking deep breaths to stop myself from crying and screaming out in anger. It's so overwhelming.  

I just want mercy. Please. 

Eva gets into the car slamming the door, making me jump and moreover making me look at her bewildered at where all this anger is coming from but she looks away from me, out the window so I start the car up and start the route back to the hotel. 

"I'm sorry," She whispers. For what? The problem is, I don't know why I'm so angry and upset with her, the problem is she hasn't done anything. God I'm such a shitty person. 

I nod mutely letting her know that I heard her but keep my eyes focused on the road.

"Me too," I say after a lot of thinking, because I truly am. About everything.