Gold - The Outsiders Fanfiction

The letter

As Ponyboy and I walked out onto the field of grass I felt his hand in mine. This was love and I knew it.

"Where's Johnny?" Asked Ponyboy.

"He went to get some stuff before you woke up," I told him.

"Get what?" Asked Ponyboy.

"I'm not sure exactly, probably food," I told him.

"Do you think we're gonna get out of this?" Ponyboy asked me.

"I've got no idea," I said honestly. "I'm thinking of getting a job real soon, I mean I can't live off Mum and Dad's money forever."

"They left you everything right, including all the cash?" Ponyboy asked.

"They gave me some for now, I'm not allowed to use the rest until I'm eighteen," I told him.

Ponyboy nodded.

"If I don't go to college, I don't know what I'll do with my life," Pony wondered.

"You could write a book?" I suggested. "I mean in middle school you used to talk about being an author all the time, and you don't really need any qualifications to become an author."

"Yeah, that's a good idea. But I'd be relying on the book to make money, and it might not even sell," Ponyboy said.

I playfully nudged him. "Hey, you're a great writer! Besides, I believe in you, you should believe in yourself."

Ponyboy smiled.

I saw something shiny on the ground and bent down to look at it. It was a dime.

"Hey look, a dime," I said, picking it up and putting it in the pocket of my jeans.

When I put my hand in my pocket I felt something in there, a folded piece of paper. I pulled it out.

"What's that?" Asked Ponyboy.

I opened it, and there was writing on it. I recognized it to be my Dad's handwriting.

"It's written by my Dad," I said, a break in my voice.

Ponyboy put his hand on my back sensing I was getting a little upset.

"Are you gonna read it?" He asked.

"Yeah," I said.

If I had known how much I would grow to love you I would have tried to capture the moment of your birth eloquently. It was long, we were tired and you wanted to get out early. I remember being so terrified, and I can remember the rubber-like quality of the umbilical cord as medical grade scissors bounced off the chord with my shaking hands.

If only I had known how much I would love you. I went home and was in a whirlwind of emotion but the gravity of this life-changing event hadn't sunk in. If only I had known then how much you would make my heart grow. I slept, I woke up, visited and repeated this until you came home.

Then you were home and I didn't know what to do. Some parents instantly fall in love and others take some time for that flame to alight. Is that an awful thing to say? Or is it so expected that we feel an instant connection with our children, that society puts us in a position of feeling like an inadequate person?

If only I had known what would make my heart explode. Make tears well in my eyes, make my throat contract as I swallow this bulging lump.

I was afraid to have a girl, I didn't know what to do with girls. Was I going to be a good parent? My male role model hadn't been a positive addition in my life, can I be a positive influence in hers? A million thoughts, feelings, and emotions clouding my vision. Subtracting away from this miracle. You were ever present.