Second Thoughts, Third Thoughts

Cinquante cinq

I always used to tell her to be happy and smile.

I would try to cheer her up-

And most of the time it would work.

But then when I found out she was depressed, it changed.

"What does it feel like?"

I asked her.

"Depression. What's it like?"

she would always say the same.

"It's not nice.

It's like being empty,

But you're slowly filled up with emptiness 

Until sometimes you just break.

Fall apart."

She said.

At that point I didn't understand.

I didn't understand that her happiness was just a facade.

I didn't understand the dreaded feeling of depression,

The despair as the emptiness filled you up.

Now I do.

Back then i was so stupid,

So naive

Not to see past the mask she put on,

Not to realise that whenever I cheered her up,

She was just as unhappy as before.

Now I understand the feeling of depression.

I now know what she meant 

By the emptiness filling you up,

Eventually breaking you.

I know,

Because I've been there.

I know because I am there.

I know.