London - van mccann

36.

- the next morning

I looked up when I heard a sudden sound.
It was the front door closing, when walked into the living room, i saw him while i sat in the kitchen.
He looked at me and threw the keys on the table as he walked into the kitchen.
He grabbed a glass and filled it with water.
I decided not to say anything, i thought that was the right thing to do.
Van just came home after he disappeared last night.
He turned around and faced me, his face didn't show any emotion.
"We need to talk." He said looking at me
I nodded biting my lip
"I just- Larry told me you didn't feel well recently, about the change you made and all..and i noticed sometime was bothering you and i should've asked instead of acting it'll just pass but you should've told me you know?" He said looking at me
I nodded looking at my hands, i was ashamed of what happened and i regretted it so much.
I knew i was losing him.
There were a few moments of silence until i spoke up
"I know i should've told you, i just didn't know how to explain what was going on in my head and to be honest- I'm just scared cause i have never been so serious with someone cause i never really moved with someone i truly loved i mean i lived with Matty but i still stayed in my apartment sometimes you know? And it's different now..with you cause you make me a different person, you make me want to become the best version of myself and i just-" I started but stopped talking when i looked at him "I was so scared that you would see the way i see myself and it would disappoint you..and then i made a mistake that will probably haunt me forever and it was just so-" I started but sighed looking at the table
"I'm so so sorry about what happened- i just- i don't think i will be the right person to make you happy, i mean you make me happy, you truly do but what if i didn't make you happy? What if i failed like i always do and you would leave?" I said looking at him
"Wait, why are you talking in the past tense?" He asked with his eyebrows knitted together
"Cause you know you wouldn't continue this after our conversation." I whispered as a tear rolled down my cheek
"I never said that, Bella" he said looking at me
I shook my head "I'm not good for you, i know i am and it's not the first time something like this happened.." i said softly standing up
"Bella, you make me the happiest person on the planet when I'm with you...don't ever think otherwise" he said shaking his head placing his hand on my shoulders "Van when are you gonna get it, i cheated on you with a random stranger at a bar! I left New York and started my life again on the other side of the world! I got back with my ex boyfriend and never called you again! I'm nothing but trouble and you deserve something better than me.." I said with tears in my eyes stepping back
He looked at me confused and shocked.
"I don't deserve you.." i whispered shaking my head "I will always be complicated and messy and-" I started but he cut me off
"Bella please don't-"
"Van listen, you are the person i want to come home to and be the father of my kids..but I'm just not ready to go have another serious relationship, and moving in with someone after  a break up with someone i was together with since i was a teenager." I said, i was shocked after that suddenly came out of my mouth.
But it was the truth, and van had to know.
He nodded slowly, he went quite for a few seconds "I didn't know you'd-" he started but stopped talking "you need time." He said i nodded biting my lip, I didn't want to cry anymore "I understand." He whispered with a nod
That's what i needed, van knew i loved him and wanted to be with him but not now.
I couldn't make him happy when I'm  the one who isn't happy and make us both unhappy.

Before i went back to London me and van walked to the restaurant/ cafe i was working in.
I walked in alone and walked towards the back.
"Hi" I said to Anna, she was my boss
"Good evening Bella, can i help you with anything love?" She asked friendly with a smile
"I uh- I came to resign" I said looking at her
She looked at me confused "oh, okay walk with me yeah?" She said i nodded
We talked about the reason why i quick this job and everything.
After 15 minutes i walked back, alone.
"Hey! Come here" Bryan said with a smile, he was my coworker
"What's up?" I asked him as i walked towards him "a few hours ago, a guy, who was incredibly well dressed may i add" he started and chuckled "he asked for you, and waited an hour or so, his name is Ed, Ed west wick? And he left a note with his phone number a name on it" he said handing me the note
I looked at it and chuckled "oh my god" I said shaking my head "you know him?" He asked
"Well..kind off, thank you Bryan" I said with a chuckle "no worries, see ya later Bella" he said with a nod i nodded "I'll see you.."

That evening, van walked me to the train station.
I looked at him "it's time for goodbye now is it?" I whispered looking at him with a weak smile "not a goodbye that will last though" he said with a small smile
I closed my eyes hugging him "I'm so sorry for what happened..it never meant to happened" I whispered shaking my head
He nodded "just take time yeah? But happy and when you are ready, you call me..I'll wait for you, always." He whispered kissing my cheek
I nodded breaking away from the hug
"You deserve to be happy, you've been through so much and put other people's happiness first, it's your time now." He said with a nod looking at me, I looked down at the ground and shook my head "I really thought i was ready for something new and serious-" I whispered but got cut off by van kissing my lips
"It's okay" he whispered with a nod as we broke away, I knew he was lying by the look in his eyes, he was hurting.
It was my fault.
"Your train is leaving in 1, you should probably catch that love" he whispered kissing my forehead, I nodded looking at him
I grabbed my suitcase and sighed "I love you, van i promise you i call you" I said he nodded with a smile
"I love you more.."

I looked at Tom as i shut the door.
"Bella! What ya' doing here?" He asked smiling standing up
I just looked at him with a weak smile "oh no." He sighed walking towards me "what happened?" He asked placing his hands on my arms "me and van we uh- we kind of broke up with each other, or we having a break for a while but anyways, I'm back." I said with a weak smile, he sighed looking at me "you okay?" He asked softly hugging me "I don't know" I whispered
"Well..lily and i broke up, don't ask me why cause i did everything i could to make it work and all but she just told me we weren't like- we didn't work so don't worry about sle-" he started "why didn't you tell me?" I asked putting my coat off "you told me you had a lot on your mind lately so i just decided to wait a bit" he said with a small smile
I sat down on the couch and looked at the tv
"I'm really sorry, I know how much you liked the lass" I said as he sat next to me
"No worries, I'll get over it" he chuckled
"So, tell me what's the reason you left Chester? And your man behind?" He asked looking at me

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