Hey, Cruel World - (Marilyn Manson)

Shout, Shout, Let It All Out

  Three weeks after driving with Twiggy and the terrifying account with the man from apartment 231, I sat at home, tons of things to do like watch TV, read, or play guitar, but with no will at all to actually use the energy to do them. I laid on the couch, the air conditioner blasting in the third week of California's hot July, with the lights off and covered by a huge blanket. The guys had all gone out, they'd begun to have band practices again, with the new Ginger and Zim, and were in the process of writing new songs for the album they planned on having out by December. That was something about Marilyn Manson...he wanted something done, he did it, and he got it done when he said he would. He was the boss.

  Marilyn had been furious when he'd come home and Twiggy had sat him down to tell him quietly about the man that had "helped with my bags." He'd sprung up, catching my attention out of the corner of my eye while I stared across the room, and had begun to yell. "WHERE IS HE?" he screamed, shocking me. Twiggy had to get him to sit back down calmly, despite Marilyn's anger. I said nothing. "Look, we don't have anything on the guy, and we're not looking to start a war. Mavis will just have to be careful and look out more and avoid him, and we can keep an eye on her. But we can't burst into his apartment and do anything." Marilyn finally listened to reason. He was usually the most reasonable guy, always calm with people (which most people usually overlooked due to his loud music, tossing his body all around, and his composure), and that was why I was so surprised at his reaction. But it reassured me that he did care about me, and that was good.

  When I'd come to him, I didn't know if I'd stay as long as I would, and I felt like I was going to be a burden and that Marilyn would get tired of me very quickly and get rid of me. But things worked out to my advantage and we'd grown very fond of each other. It was never said, but we had an unspoken agreement that I was a part of his family now.

  Anyway, I was on the verge of sleep, so comfortable with the loud air blowing and the darkness of the room, when I heard keys in the door and the door open. Light flooded the apartment before it closed again, and I covered my face with the blanket, groaning and frowning at the brightness.

  I felt and heard a huge slap on the back of the couch behind me and jumped. "Wake up! Marilyn said he didn't need me while he was writing and I have nothing to do, let's find something!" It was Zim. I'd seen him act loud and excited before with the guys, but never directly towards me. I had no choice.

  Over the last three weeks, I'd grown to have changing feelings about Zim, every one of my thoughts about him had changed completely, though I was afraid to admit or think about it. But that was all I could think about, him. It was a ridiculous thought, I told myself, and it would pass, I was just being stupid. But everything about him had begun to pull me in, the way he talked gently to me, the look of pain in his eyes that day three weeks ago, the caring. The way he moved, laughed, smiled, the sound of his voice, all of it was so absorbing. I, though, was one of those few people who were good at hiding their feelings, expressions, and whatnot. No one would know about this, and soon, the feeling would be gone and I'd laugh at my stupidity.

  I wouldn't let myself realize it though, and I wouldn't let my mind think the words, but I should have known, and let myself, just so I could get it out of my system even that much quicker...but I was falling in love with Zim, very fast and very hard. And I didn't want to be in love. Especially with a man nearly twenty-nine years older than I was.

  I saw his face automatically, hovering right above my own, as he ripped off the blanket from my entire body. I'd mess with him first, but of course I was going to go hang out with Zim. I tore the blanket back out of his hands, rolled over on my stomach dramatically, and covered up again. "No!" I yelled at him, sounding mad while I frowned into my pillow, trying not to laugh.