Hey, Cruel World - (Marilyn Manson)

I Know Someday You'll Have A Beautiful Life

  I dreamt of him, and that he was dead, and gone, forever. That I screamed his name as I leaned over the balcony, for some reason, unable to go down the stairs. I was only able to stand there, helpless, unable to do anything. I could barely see out of my eyes, which frustrated me, and every sound was muffled. He couldn't hear me. I watched through blurry vision as Zim stepped into his car, ignoring me completely. I knew something bad was going to happen, and it did. I watched his car explode and burst into flames as soon as the engine came to life.

  I screamed over the railing even louder, the tears spilling from my eyes faster than ever while I watched his car disenigrate with him inside. Time stopped, my breathing stopped, and everything else stopped, except the movement of the flames as they danced around the blackened frame of his car. Even though I screamed, there was no sound to be heard. I could feel nothing.

  I felt myself jerk and I was awakened by my jump. I'd always liked it when that happened, when I'd be on the verge of sleep, almost there, and something jolted me awake. No one else liked it, or the feeling of falling and then jumping madly, but I always had. This time though, I was both happy, and disappointed at waking, among other things. For a moment, I stared beside me and felt completely convinced that I was thinking of a real memory. It took me a few long seconds to realize that it had been a dream. I was happy then that I knew it was a dream, and that Zim wasn't really dead, and my heartbeat slowed a bit, relieved in every way. But, then, as I continued to stare straight ahead, and saw that he wasn't laying beside me, all of the true memories came flooding back.

 The room was dark, but I could tell that it was daytime already. I turned my head all the way around and saw that no one else was still in bed, so I figured it must be pretty late in the morning already, or they just didn't want to be around me. Good, I didn't want to be anywhere near Marilyn anyway. No matter how much I loved him or anything else, I didn't want to see his face, much less speak to him. I'm sure Ginger just wanted to stay out of it all, which was fine with me, but I quickly remembered the time when Ginger drove me to babysit Lazarus at Trent's house, and how he told me he didn't believe Zim would ever hurt me, though if he did, that Ginger would be there for me always, and my thoughts softened for him, knowing he would just be trying to do his best in comforting me.

  That was the deal though...no one had seen it coming. No one had expected Zim to hurt me in any way, no one foresaw him leaving. And I believed, I really did believe now, that I'd woken without him by my side, that he wouldn't return. Zim was a stubborn person, and he did what he saw to be right, no matter what. No one ever really changed Zim's perspective, once he had decided something, he was hell-bent on keeping it that way and would believe it until the day he died. No, from the way he spoke last night, and the manner of which he left, he wasn't going to return. Twiggy's words had only been proof of that. But still, no one had predicted it.

  I clenched my jaw and ground my teeth together angrily at my new thought. Marilyn had probably predicted it.

  Well, he probably had. He knew everyone else knew that when he wanted something his way, he'd get it. That was the problem all of the times he'd argued with Zim. Sure, he was a determined, willed man, and that was a good thing, but he'd been brought up an only child, and given everything he desired at his parent's command. Who wouldn't spoil their only child? And even though it'd turned him into a great person in the end, a person who worked hard for everything they wanted or pictured in their mind, who didn't back down, he definitely knew how to push people away.

  Still, I didn't want to be angry with any of them...it hurt too bad to be angry to those closest to you. I was the kind of person who didn't get angry with people much, but when I did, it was hard to stop. I hated that aspect of me...I didn't want to hold grudges or burst out in fury. I wanted to be a good person...but how could one be good when everything around them turned bad?