Hey, Cruel World - (Marilyn Manson)

Soft Lips Are Open, Knuckles Are Pale

  I finished brushing my teeth and combed out my hair, part of one side combed over the top of my head to the other side the way I saw a lot of girls do it lately. I left the bathroom and turned off the lights in there and the hallway as I walked into the bedroom. Marilyn had gone to his house for the night to work on the album, as Ginger and Twiggy both had gone out, no doubt Twiggy would be with some woman until he had to be at the studio the next morning, and Ginger probably the same. I wondered if anyone had realized they'd left Zim and me alone...but I didn't really care. It'd be nice to be alone for once, seeing as we never really got to be since we couldn't go out in public too much, and the guys were nearly always home when Zim was.
  Zim was sitting with his back against the headboard, one leg laying across the other on top of the large comforter, wearing blue jeans and a black, button-up, long-sleeve shirt as usual. His guitar was held in his hands, his amp on the floor next to him, as he played, the beautiful sound filling my ears as always when I listened to his music. His eyes darted up as I turned off the lights, a lamp on the small table next to him lighting up the room, and he smiled as he continued to play, then down again at his fingers. I could faintly hear the radio in the background, from the stereo beside the lamp next to him. He was like I was, able to have the radio going as he played another instrument.
  I went into the closet and took out one of the acoustic guitars Zim owned that he usually let me mess around with, and took it over to the bed. I settled with my back next to his against the headboard, and began to strum a few chords along with Zim's playing. I watched as he didn't look up from his hands, though he smiled to himself. We played together in sync, our rhythms flowing together, as we'd done the few times we'd played together. Slowly, he moved into his song, "You Wouldn't Even Last A Minute," the one he'd taught me already a couple of months ago, and we playing together perfectly...if I truly had a passion for anything, it was music, and I knew Zim felt the same.
  Finally, after many songs we played, he ended, letting the last strum ring out for many long seconds, stood up, and placed his guitar on a stand beside the bedside table, unplugging it from his amp and turning the amp off. He reached for mine and I handed it to him. He put it next to his own, up against the wall, and came back over to sit down in the same position as before. I stared into his eyes as he did the same, both of us studying each other in silence. He smiled at me and I smiled back, now watching his lips, then his hair. Most of it, like mine at the moment, was pushed over and fell into his face at a good length, the other side a bit shorter. It was red again as he'd had it in the past few years and I continued to smile at everything about him.
  "Mavis, last night what you told me..." he started, not smiling anymore, but still watching me intently. "I really saw how much I love you and I wish more than anything that it wasn't true, that you could've grown up with a better life, a life you deserve...no one knows this, not Marilyn or Twiggy or Ginger or anyone..." He finally let his gaze fall from my eyes and to my mouth. "I had a girlfriend when I lived in L.A., before I moved back to Chicago...I'd intended to marry her someday, she was the best thing I'd ever known...but I left. I didn't give her what I should have...I didn't leave her, but I left and we so far from each other, I couldn't protect her...she was, as your brother was, killed in a car accident. When I sing 'You Wouldn't Even Last a Minute,' that one part in the middle, 'I used to know the sweetest girl, she never knew she saved my life,' is about her, but I never told anyone that. I sang it like any other normal song, I did what you did and made myself only think of her, but never speak of her. I think the reason I fell in love with you is because of how much you remind me of her...and how I've never felt in so much love with a girl before, or since her, until you."
  "I don't want to go into any more about her, but I felt you deserved to know after what you told me. I have you now...I have a second chance, and I want to protect you, like I couldn't do for her, protect you from everything I can in whatever way I can, to give you the life you deserve...after what you told me, I have to now, I can't let anything happen to you-"
  I leaned over, and did the same thing as he'd done the night before when I'd confessed everything to him, I led my lips connect to his and kissed him, harder than I'd thought I would, trying to take it away, whatever it was...I was equally as shocked by what he'd just told me and had not expected any of it, anything he'd told me. No one had known about the girl he'd wanted to marry, and a small part of me felt like I was taking her place, taking the man she was supposed to be with, but this was both of our second lives that we were getting the chance to start over with, I wanted to be with Zim and I wanted to give him everything I could.
  After a few moments, I pulled back and looked into his eyes again. I knew that both of us showed pain in our eyes, for so many things at once, but I let mine disolve slowly as we breathed quietly, the faint noise of the radio fading into the background. "I'm so sorry," I whispered to him. "I want to be everything for you that I can..."
  "You already are," he said so quietly that I almost didn't hear him. "And I love you, more than anything." I nodded and he moved up, our lips meeting again. I knew in that moment that this was it, and I no longer cared about anything else in the world. This was what I'd unknowingly waited for forever, it was all now.
  As we kissed gently, but passionately, Zim slid a hand underneath the hem of my shirt and laid a hand softly on my waist. I reached up with my left hand and found his hair, letting my fingers spread apart and weave through the back of it. I slipped my other arm underneath his, and wrapped it around his back, resting my hand on his the back of his neck, just underneath my other hand. As we kissed, he carefully pulled me over a small bit to where my body laid across his at a slight angle, almost criss-crossing, without breaking apart from each other. I let my hand fall from the back of his neck and reach over blindly towards the radio, and pushed the dial away from us with the tip of my fingers, then placed it again on his neck. I didn't focus much on the song, but I faintly recognized the beginning of the song, 'Sex on Fire' by Kings of Leon, and somehow managed to think to myself in the back of my head the simple words: How convenient.
  Zim's other hand found the other side of my waist and pushed me the rest of the way on top of him, and I kissed him from above, my hair falling slightly around his face. My hands left the back of his neck and his hair, my knees holding me in place around his own hips, and reached down slowly to begin unbuttoning his shirt. All of it, every bit was illegal, and what was about to come of it could put Zim in prison in a heartbeat, but in that moment, neither of us cared...I felt it was right, and I knew in my heart that Zim wouldn't hurt me purposely and that he felt the same. I undid the last button on his shirt and rested my hands lightly on top of his skin, my palms meeting his clavicles and the tips on my fingers curving a small bit over the top of his shoulders. His skin was soft and cool and I'd waited for what seemed like years to feel it under my own hands...I let them drift down over his nipples, feeling the rings that pierced each one of them under my hands, down to his waist, and traced the same trail up again and over his shoulders where I pushed his shirt down and off. My fingers brushed over his strong and muscular arms as I pushed the rest of his shirt down them and over his wrists.
  He clasped the tips of his fingers on each side of the hem of my shirt and slowly pulled it up. His sweet lips pulled away from mine only for a moment as he lifted the shirt over my head and threw it to the side of the bed. Our lips met again and his hands found my back, laying flat against my skin, our bare torsos now atop each other. After a small time passed, he pushed me back over onto my side and I moved the top of the comforter and sheet out from underneath us both. He twisted and found his way on top of me then, letting my back fall carefully onto the soft sheets. Our hands found the top of each others pants, and slowly removed them, still never ceasing to kiss, strongly, but not aggressively.
  When we were both there together, completely unclothed, Zim slowly began to kiss my bottom lip gently, down to my chin, and then my neck as he breathed heavily on top of my skin. My fingers tangled into his hair further, and his underneath my arms again and to my back. At last, he slid inside me and I moaned almost inaudibly. From then, I knew everything was in this moment, that I never wanted us to be apart, that he was the only one I'd ever want. He let himself go completely, and I quieted, letting him take control.
  After what was like a lifetime in so many ways, he stopped and left me at last. He kissed me gently and I slowly did the same, meeting his soft lips once more, before he pulled me into his strong arms and I laid my head against his pale, bare chest, feeling each other's pulses. Zim reached over and turned off the radio and lamp completely and we laid there together, in silence, the only sound being our heartbeats filling the air.
  "I will never stop loving you," Zim whispered and I almost thought that I'd imagined it because of how quiet he now was. We'd been together only a little over a month, but I knew that we were both completely sure of this, no matter how many years lay in between us, no matter what the world said, no matter how many problems may possibly come from it, all I wanted now was him, just him.
  "I love you," I whispered back, and together we fell asleep in each other's arms.