Hey, Cruel World - (Marilyn Manson)

Sometimes Love Is Not The Love We Dream Of

  It was a huge auditorium with dim lighting and the buzz of hundreds of people talking around me in the seats. I made my way down one of the rows, people in nice clothing sitting in all the seats surrounding me, looking up at me to stare as I walked past. I didn't fit in here...I avoided their gaping faces and stared at the dark carpet beneath my feet, not even sure where I was going...the row seem to last infinitely. I looked up again, and to my right, out of the corner of my eye, I recognized the back of his head as he stared forward, alone and not speaking to those in the seats beside him. My heart pounded inside my chest and my mouth fell open. Tears filled my eyes and I hurried beside him to see him from the front. He looked different in some ways, but I knew it was him, it was still him...

  "Oh my god," I said quietly. "Oh my god!" I took his face in my hands and felt how smooth and familar it felt under my fingertips. He smiled wide, his perfectly straight, white teeth showing brightly. His eyes were happy and young and alive and I could see my reflection in them, the tears running down my face. I threw my arms around his neck and he put his around my back, hugging me tightly against his body.

  "I've missed you so much, Zim," I whispered into his ear as I cried on his shoulder silently. "You have no idea how much I've missed you..."

  "I know, I missed you, too," he said quietly. "More than anything." His voice was so sweet and gentle, as his hands were, everything exactly how I'd remembered it as, in every last way.

  "More than anything," I repeated. I didn't want to ever let go...he'd missed me as much as I'd missed him, he was actually happy to see me...was everything going to work again, this time where he didn't end up leaving? We could be together again...this time without any worries.

  Until, of course, somebody had decided they were going to drive like a maniac through the apartment complex's parking lot, their tires screeching before they honked loudly, causing me to jump in my sleep.

  I had been so close, so close...rarely did I ever have such detailed dreams about Zim. I barely had dreams where he actually want to see me too, as much as I wanted to see him. When I did dream about him, it was usually that 1) something fatal or tragic happened to him, as it had in my dream long ago where his car exploded when he got in, 2) he hated me and was mean and rude to me, and I was always left even more heartbroken than before, or 3) I couldn't get to him, no matter what I did or how hard I tried to. All of those dreams made me wake up with tears in my eyes, craving his presence. But the ones like I'd just woken up from, those were the ones that made me the saddest...those were the ones where I was just so close to having him back again, so close to everything being real.

  I laid there for about a whole minute before I realized it had really just been a dream instead of a true memory. It was still so fresh in my mind...I looked at the clock and saw that it was only around 11p.m., that I'd only been asleep for about an hour, though I felt like I'd been out for an entire night already. I rolled over, only wanting to feel Twiggy's touch beside me, but as soon as I did, I saw the empty rest of the bed beside me, the queen sized bed gone with only the original king sized one that we'd had when we'd just moved into the apartment. Like every other night that this happened, I remembered why Twiggy, Marilyn, and Ginger did not lay in the bed beside me, and my spirits fell.

  The tour had ended in April, lasting nearly a full four months, and we were all very relieved and happy to be back home in the apartment, very glad to get some rest. The tour had been amazing, and very well done, and I personally felt I'd done amazingly for the first time, but when we got back home, it was such a happiness that I felt like I'd never want to get out of my old bed again. I'd absolutely loved touring, and the concerts, and the hundreds of people we met all over the world, I loved every aspect of it...but it was nice to be done with the tour bus bunkbeds and hotel rooms. It was wonderful to be home.