Hey, Cruel World - (Marilyn Manson)

Get Your Petals Out, Lay Them In The Aisle

  Fading out only took me five seconds at the most, this time, the shortest of all times I'd lost conscienceness that day. I had heard Zim many feet away from me say under his breath, "Oh my god..." his voice suddenly weak and horrified. I laid there, unmoving, blood and wounds all over my body, barely hanging on to life. The silence was disturbing, and the blackness was worse. All of the images of the last few hours played in my head like a movie, all in five seconds, and I was awake again, though my eyes remained shut, still. I heard the running of four mens' heavy footsteps, loud in my ears. I cringed at the noise.
  Familiar hands touched me, and I twitched at the feeling of another's body touching mine, even though I knew they belonged to the person I loved more than anyone. They scared me now, and I hated the thought of that even being possible. His right hand wrapped around my bare waist, bringing goosebumps to my skin in the cool September air, late at night already, and his other on my forehead, pushing back my hair. When he spoke, I almost did not recognize his voice, because it was so different than I'd ever heard it before. It was...broken. Like I was.
  "Mavis, Baby, come on," he said desperately, his voice cracking in many different parts of the simple four words. "Mavis, don't, don't...come on, be alive." His voice was pained and sorrowful, I'd never heard so my sadness and loss in a person's voice before...it seemed as if that voice was a person itself, dying. But he didn't know I was alive. I felt all of the guys close around me, hear their intense and loud breathing, all of them fearing the worst. It was the worst...even though I was not dead...but Zim's voice made me feel as if I were. I almost couldn't bear it. "Please, Mavis, wake up!"
  He pulled me to his body clumsily, struggling to hold on to me. I could feel his rapid heartbeat as he brought my head up to his chest. I struggled with myself to make something happen so that he would know I was alive. Finally, my eyelids fluttered open weakly, and I honestly thanked God that I wasn't dead, and that I could show this to them. Zim made a sound that was almost like a relieved laugh, but he wasn't laughing in any way. His eyes found mine and he leaned over me, our cheeks together.
  "Ginger, go inside and get the water running!" The voice of Marilyn above me was comforting, even though it was shaken and shocked, he was somehow able to keep it steady and clear, as always. He wouldn't lose his temper speaking about it this time...I knew that he was thinking he had to be strong. I heard Ginger fumbling with the keys in the doorknob, the door swing open loudly, then him running through the house. I managed to turn my head now, and look up past Zim. Marilyn stood there, and as always, I could not read his expression, other than pain in his eyes.
  Twiggy was a different situation. He stood there, nearly dumbfounded. He...looked as if the world had fallen around him, his eyes were dark and horrified, his face paler than I'd ever seen before, everything last bit of seriousness he had in himself displayed on his expression now. It hurt me to see this...everything I was now causing...they weren't who they usually looked to be, and that thought scared me in itself. I couldn't bring myself to think and describe in my head how Zim was...it hurt too bad.
  He pulled me up into his arms completely, the same he had done less than a week ago when he'd carried me to bed after I'd fallen asleep. I heard the door shut and lock behind me as Zim rushed me into the bathroom, the sound of running water filling my ears. Ginger moved out of the way as Zim laid me as carefully as he could into the deep bathtub. That was the most soothing feeling I could have asked for, what I needed, and I felt the life rush back into my blood a little bit. It warmed me instantly, and though it slightly stung all of the bruises and cuts on my body, it relieved them.
  All of them gathered around me, and there was not an ounce of me that cared anymore that they'd all seen me without any clothes. It was the farthest thing from my mind. I opened my eyes again and turned my neck slowly to look at them. Marilyn and Ginger were closest to me, on the edge of the bathtub. Twiggy stood far behind them against the wall, his eyes filled with so many emotions at once I could not recognize them all. He was in shock, and I couldn't blame him a single bit. A small part of me only wished he was closer to me. Zim was looking through the cupboard hurriedly and rushed back over with washrags in his hands. I let my eyes shut again and my head fell back easily.
  I felt as Zim's hands pulled a now steaming and wet rag up slowly to my face, and cleaned it off gently. He moved it carefully over my skin, trying his hardest not to hurt or damage me further. I flinched at almost every touch, but I wanted him to continue no matter what reactions my body naturally had. Marilyn and Ginger did the same with the rest of my body, and at last, I could feel that Twiggy had come over and begun to help them. It was hard to not slip away again, but I kept myself fully awake, though my eyes remained closed. I tried to focus on steadying my breathing.
  Finally, after a while, Zim and Twiggy both placed their hands flat against my back and shoulders, and pulled me up with careful movements, into sitting position. I opened my eyes and felt the warm water fall off of my body. The air was chilly now against my bare body. Ginger took a hold of the lower half of me and the three of them together pulled me out of the bathtub. Twiggy and Ginger held me in a somewhat standing position, though I had no strength whatsoever to stand at all. Zim wrapped a soft towel around my back and over my shoulders, warming me again instantly. I stood there swaying a bit, tired, weak, and beaten. How I was able to do anything at all, I didn't know.
  How I could even be alive was a shock in itself.
  Marilyn came into the room again, and I hadn't even noticed he was gone. He carried my softest looking pajamas in his hands, and as Zim finished drying me off quickly, he and Marilyn began to dress me. I was able to lift my feet a few inches off the floor so they could slide my underwear and pants onto my legs. I helped as much as I was able to, with the assistance of all of them. Finally, only Zim held me, all of my weight, up against his body and the others backed off a bit. My bruises and cuts ached and burned, tears welling up in my eyes at their pain. I knew there was nothing broken in my body...how that was even possible though, seemed insane. How I'd been strong enough to prevent that...
  Anger burned in every pair of eyes that I wearily looked into, my eyelids fighting to stay open. Twiggy had gone white all over again, and his hands shook violently. They led me carefully into the bedroom, I, still unable to move my feet, and laid me down in my regular spot, standing around me.
  "Mavis, who did this to you?" Marilyn whispered, though I heard it clearly. Only Zim sat on the bed next to me, stroking my hair slowly, putting it behind my ears. I felt warm now underneath the comforter, clean and comfortable, but the pain from everything didn't cease anywhere, and I clenched my teeth as I stared at them. I wasn't sure I'd be able to talk, but when I found my voice at last, it didn't seem to be mine anymore.
  "It was the man..." My voice shook and trembled, almost deeper than usual, darker and haunted...as if I were only a ghost, an empty shell. Zim's hand stopped moving and fell to the bed. "The man from 231," I managed to say.
  "You texted me," Zim whispered, his eyes hurting and shaking his head. "You texted me and said you weren't coming because you didn't feel good..."
  "He did it, he texted you..." I inhaled, and everything ached. I'd never felt so sore and pained in my life, now mentally as well, seeing their faces. Zim looked up, frowning, anger flaming in his eyes. "He did it in front of me..."
  "I'm going to kill him!" screamed Zim, jumping up, his anger now boiling over, and I saw Twiggy almost lose it from behind Marilyn and Ginger. Zim made a move in the direction of the door quickly, but Marilyn blocked him, Ginger doing the same. He tried to force his way through their barricade, but they pushed him back against the wall.
  "Listen to me!" shouted Marilyn in angst. "You aren't the only one this is hurting! She is like our DAUGHTER, and she was on the verge of DEATH, Zim! This is already hard enough because we can't call the police and we can't take her to the hospital because SHE DOES NOT BELONG TO US!" His shouting hurt my pounding head, and I didn't want him to yell at Zim, but there was nothing I could, or wanted to do about it. I was too weak, and Marilyn was right. "We are NOT letting this go, we are going for him NOW, but Mavis needs YOU, Zim, you have to stay here with her!"
  Zim pushed against him further, and what I'd never expected to happen, did. Tears streamed down his face, fast and continuously. I couldn't bear it anymore, I knew Zim loved me, but seeing him this way was more than I could handle...I wouldn't try to hold them back anymore, and my own tears leaked from my eyes, though only a few. I'd cried myself out earlier, though I'd tried my hardest not to. I watched Marilyn hold Zim back, and despite the fact Zim was strong, Marilyn was bigger and stronger still. Ginger and Twiggy watched, Ginger ready to help Marilyn again if that was needed. Finally, Zim stopped struggling against him and went limp, Marilyn's hands squeezing Zim's upper arms.
  "Marilyn, I can't stand this," Zim said, sobbing, and the pain in his voice made me feel as if my insides were dying completely. "He...he almost killed her, my baby, I can't...I can't stay here and not do something, I want to make him suffer, I want him dead..." My eyelids were slowly shutting, so tired, but I held on, unable to say a word. Marilyn let go of Zim as he cried hard.
  "I know...but she needs you. Please, Zim, trust us...we will take care of this," Marilyn whispered. I forced my body to move, and I reached up to brush Zim's hand with my fingertips. He looked down at me, his face wet but his tears having stopped as quickly as they'd started, leaving his eyes red. He took my hand with a short hesitation first, and held on to it tightly.
  "Please stay," I whispered, and Zim's eyes hurt as he watched me lay there. He looked away, at the floor, and up at me again. He closed his eyes, breathed deeply, and nodded. Marilyn, Ginger, and finally Twiggy, walked over to me, surrounding the edge of the bed, and Zim let go of my hand, going over to the dresser to change his clothes.
  "He's not going to get away with any of this," Marilyn said, and I was surprised to look on and see his and Twiggy's eyes glistening in the light, though I knew they would be able to hold it back. Twiggy's were hard and violent looking now, cold, though mourning, as were Ginger's. Marilyn's promised revenge on my behalf, and I forced myself to nod slowly. He turned and Ginger did the same before the two of them rushed out of the room. Twiggy and I stared into each other's eyes a moment longer. "I love you," I whispered to him so that only he heard. He nodded slowly and turned to run after Marilyn and Ginger.
  I closed my eyes, only wanting to rest, to go to sleep and not feel the pain. I felt so tired and weak, like I'd never be able to move freely again, though I knew I would eventually. My breathing slowed and evened out, and didn't sound as raspy anymore. I'd almost drifted off to sleep when the mattress weighed down next to me, slowly, and Zim slid underneath the covers. I knew he wanted me awake for a little while longer, so I opened my eyes against my worn out brain's protests.
  He lay there, staring at me, the look in his eyes indescribable. He frowned slightly. I wondered what he saw, what he could see, in someone like me, how he could love me, and love me as much as he did, at that. And now I was broken and torn and ugly, every part of my body was either purle, black, or red, even my face bruises and everything else swollen. I knew it would heal, but what did he see in all of it?
  He lifted a hand to my face, and before it met my skin, my eyes instinctively shut and I cringed back. I hated myself for it, because I knew it would hurt Zim, but I hated the man even more for all of this. Not only had he done what he did to me, he was making me frightened of everyone closest to me that I loved. I opened my eyes again, and saw hurt in Zim's. I reached up and took his hand weakly, and moved it back to where it met my face.
  He gently brought me towards him, and even though I was in pain with every touch of movement, his hands were comforting and calm toward me. I was pressed against his chest, though I could still see his face clearly. His arms held me tight but carefully in the now almost completely dark room.
  "I thought you were dead," Zim whispered to me, and I looked up into his eyes, to see that he was crying again, but now slowly. I knew he tried not to because it took him a moment to look at my face again while he did so. "That was...the worst moment I think I've ever experienced...I never had to see my girlfriend when it happened to her, but seeing you laying there..."
  "Shh," I said, not wanting him to go any further. He was only hurting himself in thinking about it...I wasn't dead, I was trying now to be strong for him. It was hard, but I knew I could do it...love was able to help with things like that.
  "Mavis, I want to murder him," he said quietly, bitterness in his shaken voice. "I...I want him to suffer and pay for what he did, I want to be the one to beat him until he dies...he hurt you, I know he...raped you, I can sense what kind of man that is..." He cried still, but wiped his face furiously, trying to make it go away. "Baby, I failed you, I promised I would protect you from anything happening to you again, and now it's worse than anything, I didn't protect you like I should have, and I almost lost you!"
  "Timothy," I whispered, pressing my lips to his chest, meeting his soft t-shirt. I had never used his real name before, I didn't even think of his name as that, he was Zim, but now this came out naturally. He stopped talking and I looked up at him. "There was nothing you could do. I should have texted you, I thought about it, but didn't do it. It was my fault, it was a stupid decision." I pressed my hand to his chest, feeling his heartbeat. I realized for the first time that the necklace Zim had given me was still hanging around my neck, that the man hadn't torn it off, that it wasn't lost, and seeing that, I knew that that was how I'd been able to stay alive. That was how I'd stayed strong, feeling Zim's words against my heart. "I have nothing when your heart beats not in mine," I whispered to him, and reached up to wipe the tears from his cheeks, now having my own flooding down my face.
  He held my head to his chest and I placed my arm around him, holding on and thinking of his words and how true and meaningful they were. I lived for him, I survived for him, for our love. He didn't realize that in so many ways, he had protected me, simply with a necklace and some words I'd only had less than a week, but knowing that they were filled with his love kept me going. I didn't want to imagine the guys and what was going on only a few rooms down from us, but I couldn't help imagining the screams of the man as he suffered. The walls are soundproofed, I thought, actually comforting me. Zim and I cried silently with each other as we fell asleep in each other's grasps, thanking God that we were even able to be in that position at all.