Hey, Cruel World - (Marilyn Manson)

Everything Around's Breaking Down To Chaos

  As strongly as I believed and knew that Zim wasn't going to come back, I could not help but sit up Christmas night in the kitchen, watching the door in the living room from my seat at the table. Twiggy had driven me around for nearly two hours, and even though neither of us spoke very much through the duration of the ride, we enjoyed it more than anything else the day had held for us. We needed the ride, and to spend at least a little time in the "Christmas spirit," or whatever it ended up being. When I finally went to bed around two in the morning, I laid in Zim's spot and fell asleep immediately. I knew his spot had become mine already.

  The nights that followed, I'd taken a heavy blanket up with me to the roof above our apartment, and I laid back to look at the stars. Some nights, it wouldn't be very clear and there would be nothing but the moonlight and clouds above, and others, the sky would seem as if a big, black hole in itself, dark and having no bounderies, with only the billions of tiny stars shining brightly back at me. I sometimes wondered about them in heavy detail to myself...it was strange to think that somewhere, however many miles away that star was, that there WAS a surface to that star, but I could never imagine actually being there. Well, of course I couldn't...because I'd burn up.

  I was one of those that shivered at the slightest bit of cool weather, even though I'd grown up where it got cold, unlike L.A., when its weather was normal. So with the extremely freezing cold end of December, I would shake violently as I laid on top of the roof. But that didn't prevent me from going up there every night...I couldn't keep myself away from the night sky.

  I clicked off my favorite movie, The Fifth Element, on the TV, and laid there still, on the couch, covered by a blanket. It was New Year's Eve, and I'd encouraged the guys to go out and have fun, to get away from me and my mood. I knew I was pulling everyone down with the way I felt, and for all of us, it'd been almost like the the death of a family member when Zim left. I knew they all felt it still, but I was the one who it continued to be affected as much as I was. Twiggy was always there for me when I needed him, mostly him, and he'd known that even though he'd wanted to stay with me, or have me go with them, that he should give me my distance for a while, and I appreciated it more than anything else I could've asked for from him. I guessed that he'd probably ended up just going to Laney's anyway...

  I sat up and went into the bedroom, dark already. I flipped the light on and grabbed my bag out of the closet, then turned and left the apartment, locking it up. The cold made me shiver, and I hurried down to my car, the only light being that of the ones on our balcony and in the parking lot. Everything around me seemed hazy.

  I started my car and turned up the music so that it was blasting, even though I couldn't tell exactly what it was. I backed up and pulled out of the apartment parking lot, and took off down the streets, illuminated by streetlamps and filled with what seemed like billions of people around me. I knew the directions of where I was going very well, but I felt like I, like everyone around me, was just a zombie, blindly following the roads and signs ahead.

  After a while, I pulled into the deserted parking lot of the recording studio, and pulled my keys from the ignition, leaving myself in the darkness of my car. I stepped out and hurried to the front door. Not only did I not want to be out in the cold, but ever since that one afternoon and night the week after my birthday, I hated being out alone. Anything could happen...I'd discovered that much the hard way.

  I fumbled with my key in the doorknob, and let myself in. I found a lightswitch on the wall, filling the hallway with light, then finding my way into our regular recording room. I turned on the lights everywhere I went, leaving a trail behind me so that I would be able to easily see my way back when I was finished. When I entered the room, I shut the door behind me, and began setting things up and turning on certain switches and whatnot, trying to remember everything that I'd watched Twiggy do. When I was done in there, I went into the actual recording part, and shut and locked the door behind me.