Hey, Cruel World - (Marilyn Manson)

Lies And Secrets Become Your World

  Don't forget the CD. Turns around and grabs phone. Turns back around and leaves the room. Leaves apartment and gets into Twiggy's car. Realizes the CD is forgotten. That was basically my routine for anything that I ever did. I could tell myself something and automatically forget it a second later, for anything. I was always doing something stupid like that...like last night, before I'd gotten into the the shower, I laid my towel on the toilet so that it'd be within reach when I was finished. Those were my specific thoughts. Directly after, without thinking, I'd laid my clothes on top of them, so that when I got out, they were on top of the towel and I ended up getting everything wet anyway, which had been exactly what I was trying to prevent by putting the towel where I did. I had to be too young for a memory like I had...
  I turned to Twiggy, who, by the expression he gave me, already could tell what I was thinking. I rolled my eyes, exhaled loudly, and dramatically turned to the door handle. "Going back to get it," I said, dragging out the word, "It." I hurriedly ran upstairs and back into the apartment, alone. Back into the bedroom and looking through the stack of CD's Twiggy had ordered a week previous. I grabbed the Misfits CD I'd come in for, and decided to go ahead and take Watchtower as well. My phone vibrated in my back pocket and I pulled it out, seeing if Twiggy needed something else from the apartment before we left.
  Zim's here, the text read.
  My heart started pounding in my chest, and though I knew there was no way of getting out of the apartment before he saw me, a million ideas of how to do so ran through my head very quickly. The concert, the night he'd left, had been two days ago. It was now Sunday, around lunchtime. The entire day before, I'd stayed in the kitchen, sitting at the table, waiting for him to come home. I ended up staying up nearly until two in the morning, though I knew it was too late anyway, hoping he'd magically be there in the morning. Well, he wasn't. I'd texted him throughout the day, only a few times, asking where he was, if everything was alright, and when he'd come back. All I'd wanted was a word from him, and he'd given me nothing.
  Now, as I thought of him coming up the stairs outside and walking down the balcony to our apartment, I became infuriated with him, despite the fact I'd done nothing but long for him to come home. Now, I was completely angry. I heard the door open and his footsteps coming down the hallway quickly. The door swung open, and instead of the reunition I'd planned in my head where I jumped into his arms and told him how much I'd missed him and to never do that to me again, I felt that the look on my face could have somehow set everything around me on fire.
  The moment Zim saw me, his face lit up in the smallest way, as if he'd not been expecting me to be here. (Obviously, he hadn't looked around too hard to see that my car was still sitting in the parking lot as always.) Just as quickly, it fell again, seeing the expression on mine. I could only imagine how angry I must've looked...I was fuming.
  "Mavis!" he said, his eyebrows raising, as if he were trying again to look surprised, like he hadn't noticed how angry I was at all. He didn't do a very good job of it.
  "What. Were. You. Thinking." I whispered it, spacing my words out and stating them more than asking. His face went automatically white and his expression dropped. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out for nearly a minute as I stared at him worse than I'd probably ever stared at anyone before.
  "I...I'm sorry, I should've answered you," he said.
  "REALLY? OH, I GUESSED THAT YOUR PHONE WAS PROBABLY BROKEN, SO I DIDN'T TRY TO WORRY ABOUT IT TOO MUCH!" I yelled at him sarcastically. I wondered for a brief second if I was being unreasonable and stupid...but I didn't think so. "YOU WALKED OUT AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ANYTHING, YOU WERE GONE ALL DAY YESTERDAY, YOU DIDN'T-" I couldn't go on any farther. I threw my hands up in the air, my keys still in one and the CD's in the other. I shook my head and walked past him, brushing his shoulder roughly. I honestly hadn't meant to do that...
  "Mavis! I'm sorry, you're the only one I actually wanted to talk to, I was tempted to answer you back and I wanted to come back and get you or something-"
  "DON'T. Give me that bull. Just DON'T," I screamed, turning back to him when I got halfway down the halway. "I don't want to hear it, Zim! You have been there for me through everything I've been through, but you think you can just walk out and not even contact any of us at all? Because of you and Marilyn bickering all the time? I don't think so!" I turned back around and left the building as quickly as I could without running. I slammed the door behind me, sped down the stairs, and jumped into Twiggy's car again, the warmth instantly soothing.
  "I'm guessed that didn't go very well."
  "Don't ask," I said quietly, venom still in my voice. I shoved the Misfits CD into the player and pressed the forward button until I reached Track 7, trying my hardest not to break Twiggy's radio buttons as he backed out and got onto the road. I pushed the dial up nearly as far as it'd go and 'Dig Up Her Bones' filled the car loudly. I stared out the window, letting the song take me over in my anger, but calm me at the same time, and when it ended, I turned it back down some.
  "I'm sorry," I told Twiggy, looking at him for the first time since I'd gotten back in. I made myself forget how mad I was about Zim.
  "Don't be sorry, you didn't do anything," he said, glancing over seriously. "Just try and forget about it if you can and enjoy the rest of the day. Laney's looking forward to meeting you."
  Laney had been Twiggy's girlfriend for a long time now (I wasn't exactly sure how long, I'd never asked Twiggy), and now his fiancee, which made me happy to think about. Any other day, I'd like to imagine saying that I was Zim's fiancee. Any other day I'd think, "You haven't even been dating that long, stop thinking about that," but then I'd think about how sure I was that I loved him and that he was honestly the only person I could see myself being with for the rest of my life. Any other day.
  Anyway, Twiggy was finally taking me to meet Laney, and as much as he said she'd like me and as much as I wanted to meet her too, the fiancee of my best friend, I was still for some reason nervous about it. After a while, he pulled into her driveway, in front of a small but nice house, and we got out together, stepping into the cold. The dark clouds hung around us in the still unnatural cold weather. Twiggy led me up the few steps to her front door and pressed the doorbell. His eyes darted over to me quickly and he grinned. I knew what he was thinking... "I'm waitin' on my doorbell, when ya gonna ring it? When ya gonna ring it?" The White Stripes was kind of our thing, obviously...funny how our "thing" was a band without a bassist.
  "Hey guys!" Laney said, opening the door in front of us, and I regained my attention. I smiled as she beamed at us. She had a soft, somewhat floaty voice, but it was nice and welcoming, and she was beautiful. Her face was thin and pointed slightly, and her features were flawless. Her eyes were large and brown, her hair the same color, ratted in the perfect places and a huge, pink bow sitting right on the front top of it. She was so skinny, but like an angel.
  "Hey, Babe," Twiggy said and hugged her with one arm, then kissed her. She smiled at me and Twiggy added, "This is Mavis," even though she already knew.
  "I'm Laney, obviously," she laughed, and held out a hand to shake. I took it, beaming, and she gestured we come inside. Her house was dark and cool, but still a lot warmer than outside. She took us into a living room and said, "Make yourself at home, sit anywhere you'd like."
  We all sat and the two of them talked for a few minutes, catching up. Twiggy hadn't seen her in a few weeks, and I listened to them politely. Occasionally, Laney called him 'Jeordie,' which I wasn't much used to, but I liked to hear it on him all the same. Finally, she turned back to me.
  "I can't believe you have to live with this!" Laney said, grinning. Twiggy had his arm around her shoulders and her hand rested on his chest. They seemed like such a perfect couple to me, I was already really liking her.
  "Well, at least I'm not dating him," I laughed. "You've got to be out of your mind..."
  Her eyes turned to slits and she glared. "You are quite right," she said in a serious tone, then she turned back to Twiggy. "What do I see in you?" she asked, her head tilted to the side and a small smirk forming on her face.
  "Pure awesomeness," he said without any facial expression at all, then stood up and made his way around the couch and through a simple, wooden doorway. The trim around the open doorway looked like the scratchy kind with splinters, but it fit perfect with everything else in the dark house. Multi-color Christmas lights were strung across the top of the frame and fell to the sides of it. I could hear Twiggy opening and looking through the refrigerator loudly in the kitchen.
  "I swear, he loves the food more than he loves me," Laney said, shaking her head and giving me a look that said, 'He's hopeless.' "That's the first place he goes every time he comes over. I'm actually surprised he sat down as long as he did before he sniffed out the food."
  I laughed. "You get used to it when you live with him," I said and she nodded. "So, are you excited that you're engaged?" I asked, smiling.
  "I am," she said brightly, slightly bouncing on the couch when she answered. Her smile was so good, like she was just an innocent little kid getting told she was getting taken out to eat ice cream. No wonder she and Twiggy seemed so perfect together...they were very alike, and it was obvious. "I know it'll probably be a while before we actually get married, but I can't help but start planning it in my head!"
  "I totally understand," I said, smiling, even though my heart sank inside. Even though I was only sixteen, and she was twenty-four, I was sure I felt exactly the same as she did about being with the love of her life, about being married, even though I was sure I was very, very far from being engaged, not to mention how angry I was with Zim at the moment, which I couldn't control no matter how much I wanted to.
  "Do you think Zim is going to propose to you?"
  The question caught me completely off-guard and I was brought back to the real world abruptly. "Oh, god," I laughed slightly. "I don't know. We've only been dating for a couple months, but..." But I hope he does, I thought, though I couldn't get it out.
  "Oh, I'm sorry..." Laney said, biting her bottom lip. I could still hear Twiggy opening and closing drawers in the other room. "Twiggy told me what was going on..."
  "It's fine," I said, smiling and shaking my head. "He came back as we were leaving this morning and I...yelled at him, but I'm sure it'll pass."
  "It should. I met Zim once, before everyone moved into the apartment, and he was so nice and quiet and sweet. He doesn't seem like the kind of person who would argue, he and Marilyn and everyone else always get along so well...it's just a thing, I'm sure," she said, giving me a reassuring smile. It was almost strange that she was talking to me like we'd known each other for years, like we were close friends, not to mention I was nearly ten years younger than she, and that my boyfriend was older than hers was. But it was nice...I realized how long it had been since I actually relaxed and talked to a girl. Honestly...? It'd been years.
  "Thank you," I said, and smiled. She smiled back and it was the most comforting thing she could have done, because it was just so sweet and innocent, and somehow the truth was held in her smile more than anything else was. Twiggy walked in at that moment, his hands full of half the refrigerator. Laney glanced up, rolled her eyes, and he sat down next to her. I promised myself that as soon as I'd get home, I'd talk with Zim, and try my hardest to do it in the calmest way I could. I would forgive him, because that's what was natural to do if you loved a person.
  I forgot about Zim, and the three of us ended up watching movies and surprisingly, playing board games on the floor. Laney and I laughed loudly and picked on Twiggy the entire time, who acted like he couldn't hear us. At one moment, I heard him mutter, "Never should've introduced them, they're going to end up best friends, what the hell was I thinking..." and I laughed to myself. Despite our age different, and everything else, I could already tell, Laney and I were going to end up really close.