The Future of Camelot

Grief

"NO!" sobbed Merlin. He shook the limp body and wept into the dead man's chest. "Please! Gaius, don't leave me. Don't leave me again." Gwen felt enormous grief on his behalf. Gwaine must have felt just as sad, for he put his arms around Merlin's shoulders and held him as he wept. Gwaine cried into silently Merlin's head as he held the sobbing man.

He wasn't the only one. Lancelot and Percival's faces were both wet with tears. Morgause watched them all suffer with a terrible expression of shock on her face. Merlin's sobbing quieted until he was gently shaking in Gwaine's arms. He rose unsteadily and faced Morgause.

"You did this," he shuddered. "This was YOU!" Morgause shook her head.

"I promise. I did not do this."

"YOU DID! I want you DEAD!" he shouted.

"Merlin, I don't think she did," Gwen put in. Merlin whirled to face her, his face an unbearable mask of grief. She repressed a sob and continued. "Gaius was sick before she ever came," she said. Merlin shook his head.

"He can't have just died. He knows how to heal himself. She killed him!" Merlin shouted.

"It's true," Percival said sadly. "He was sick before she came. He told us not to tell. I'm sorry, but - "

"NOOOO!" shouted Merlin, eyes flashing gold. Morgause was thrown against the wall behind her. She was still conscious, but pain flooded through her. The breath left her for a moment, and she didn't even try to move.

"What are you doing, Merlin?" asked a voice. When he turned to it, Morgana was sitting up, her eyes bleary but her surprise showing that she had certainly seen Merlin throw her sister against a wall. Merlin was too angry to care.

"She killed Gaius," he said. Morgana gaped at him. She propped herself on her elbow and looked around. When she saw Gaius, she stared.

"No," she said quietly. Morgana tumbled off the couch, finding her footing and hurrying to Gaius. "Gaius? Wake up. Gaius!" She didn't cry, but her breathing quickened rapidly. Soon she was hyperventilating. "No," she gasped. "No!" Her eyes flashed, and all the glass in the room shattered. Then she wept for her oldest friend. She wept deep, heartbreaking sobs. Nobody went to her. Nobody held her.

Merlin looked at Morgause again. She was regaining her breath and starting to stand.

"Did you kill him?" he asked angrily.

"No!" she told him forcefully. "I promise." He still glared, but turned away. It was too much to say that he believed her, but she knew that her life said that better than any words.

Merlin didn't know where to look. Certainly not at Gaius, or at the sobbing Morgana. He couldn't bring himself to look at the pity on his friends' faces, either. The world seemed to shrink around him, suffocating him. He couldn't take it any longer. Merlin ran to the front door and outside. He reached the bushes near the lake before he vomited the contents of his stomach.

0O0O0O0

Morgana cried until she ran out of tears. Even after that she rocked on her heals by Gaius's body. She couldn't believe that he was dead. He had helped her since she was a child. He'd always been kind to her, until he found out about her betrayal. He'd even healed her when she fell down the stairs, but she was sure he'd known by then. Now he was gone.

The pain in her side was numbed by her grief. The noises around her were muffled, as if she was underwater. The world started to spin. She rose to her feet. She saw the Percival, Lancelot, Gwaine, and Gwen watching her. Morgause stood against the wall, her face full of more pity than Morgana thought her capable of.

Morgana walked on shaking feet up the two flights of stairs to her room. She was vaguely aware of Arthur calling to her on the second floor, but she wasn't in control of her movement. Morgana entered her room and fell onto the bed. She curled herself into a ball and cried tears she hadn't even thought possible. They didn't last nearly as long as before, and soon she was just lying on her bed. The position hurt her wounded side, so she stood and walked to the window. She could see the lake, and movement from the bushes in front of it. When she used her magic, she saw that Merlin was violently retching into the bushes.

They were both so alone now. Gaius had been a mentor to both of them, and now he was dead. He had the knights, but he was separated from them by a thousand years of life. They had no idea what he went through all the time.

She had no one except Morgause. Now it seemed that she didn't even have her. She didn't come to Morgana now. Morgana hadn't realized how much she cared about Gaius until now that he was dead. She wanted some comfort, but she realized that she didn't deserve any. Nobody wanted to help her because they all hated her.

Death brings out the truth in people, Morgana thought. Why can't sunshine and happiness bring out the truth? Why does it have to be death? Why did he die? She felt suddenly tired, and laid upon the bed. She didn't think she could sleep, but she closed her eyes to rest them after all her crying. Soon, she drifted into unconsciousness.

0O0O0O0

Arthur had been coming out of his room just as Morgana came upstairs in a sort of trance. He had called after her, but she didn't seem to hear him. He was about to go after her when Gwen wandered upstairs, almost as aimlessly as Morgana had.

"Guinevere, what is it?" he asked. She saw him and watched him for a moment, unable to speak.

"Gaius is dead," she said finally.

"What! Don't be ridiculous, Gwen." He realized then that she wasn't joking. Arthur hugged her. She buried her face in his chest, but didn't cry again. After a moment of comfort, Gwen pulled away from him.

"Morgana," she started. Then she stopped, as if she didn't know exactly how to say what she wanted to. Arthur nodded.

"I'll go to her." He kissed the top of Guinevere's head and headed up the stairs.

Morgana's door was closed, but Arthur didn't care. He opened it and stepped inside. Morgana was lying on her side on the bed, facing away from him.

"Morgana?" he asked, approaching her. She must have heard him, for she curled up a little tighter. Arthur rounded around the the side she faced and sat down. Her eyes were shut tightly. Arthur placed a hand on her foot and squeezed gently. "I'm so sorry, Morgana. I know you cared for Gaius deeply."

"How did he die?" she asked. "I woke up and he was just gone. I didn't get to say goodbye." Now she sat up and looked at Arthur miserably.

"I don't know," he said honestly. "Gwen only just told me."

"Merlin blamed Morgause," Morgana told him. "But she said it wasn't her. I don't think it was."

"Morgause is here?" asked Arthur. Morgana nodded. "And she didn't come up?" Morgana shook her head. Arthur knew that she was hiding her feelings, whatever they were. He moved closer to her and put his arm around her shoulders. She leaned into his hold and closed her eyes. He could feel her breathing slow into sleep. Morgana's head slipped down into his lap. He stroked her hair and allowed a few tears of his own to be shed. He used to say "No man is worth your tears," but that wasn't true. Fathers were, and dear friends. Gaius had been a bit of both to everybody.

Morgana shuddered in her sleep. She was having a nightmare. Arthur pet her hair softly. She calmed under his touch.

"I'm so sorry, Morgana," Arthur whispered softly. "I'm so sorry."

0O0O0O0

Gwaine wanted to follow Merlin immediately, but Lancelot held him back.

"He needs some time," he told the impetuous knight. Gwaine didn't want to let Merlin go off alone, but he realized that Lancelot was right. Gwen ran away from them, upstairs. Then Percival asked the question that none of them wanted to hear.

"What do we do with him?" To everyone's surprise, it was Morgause who answered. They had forgotten her, for she was standing so still and silent against the wall.

"We give him what he deserves," she said. The knights glared at her, but she continued bravely. "The boat is still on the shore."

Lancelot was the first to understand. "A proper funeral. He can rest in Avalon." Morgause nodded. The knights looked at her in surprise.

"What?" she asked.

"It is surprising that you care," Gwaine finally said. She laughed shortly without humor.

"I care about Morgana," she said. "If doing what is right for Gaius will make her trust me again, then that is what I must do."