Jungkook | Saved

13

Before I came back to Seoul, being alone was easy. I prefered it.

But now it's harder.

Now, I notice my loneliness. I notice the days slipping by and turning into months. I notice the weather changing. I've never really paid much attention to the weather before. But now that I'm back to square one I can see the changes around me. Before it felt like I was just living with my head to the ground, working hard towards nothing. But after talking to Namjoon again, after feeling my heart awaken because of Y/N, my eyes are open. I'm looking up and I can see all the things I miss.

But it all comes down to one thing. Forgiving Park Jimin. Do I want to? Should I? Does he deserve it?

I want to say no to all those questions. I want to hate him with every fiber of my being, but a part of me is telling me to let it go. Because if I keep hating him, it'll rule the rest of my life.

I mean, c'mon! I'm literally sitting by myself on Namjoon's couch doing nothing because of my resentment towards him.

Do I allow him to control my feelings this way? Do I allow my actions to be made based solely on what he did to me in the past and how I feel about it now?

That part of me tells me no, that I shouldn't let him control me. He'd win. Fear would win.

But how do I forgive someone for doing what he did?

"What am I supposed to do..." I said allowed in the empty living room.

'Rather than wishing it, just try changing the way you see things. Like if you were caught in a situation that was tough, instead of panicking and getting mad, try and change the way you think- to be calm and realize that things are temporary. You know, it's because if you linger on something too long you'll miss out on the important stuff.'

"Things are temporary..."

And I'm currently missing out on important stuff.

I shoot up from the couch and frantically look for my phone. I quickly pick it up from the floor and type as fast as my fingers will allow.

It's a simple question. 'Are you busy right now?'

And yet I'm terrified. I'm anxious for a response. And never have I cared so much about time than I do right now.

Ding

'I'm about to go into work'

I grab a jacket and fly out of Namjoon's apartment. I don't have anything planned out. My words might be crap. But I just need to tell her that I've been so stupid. I don't want to be controlled by anything other than my own happiness. And maybe, if it's ok, I can be more than just a friend to her.

I stop in front of the craft store, sweating despite the cool weather. I haven't been here in a long time. Because instead of painting and art, I found that I'd rather spend my time with Y/N.

And it was only until I stopped talking to her and seeing her that I realized she was helping me heal. All this time. She was giving me the courage to change and open up.

But I suppose some things don't change, because I'm back in the art aisle, staring at the paints and the brushes. Only this time I'm smiling. I'm nervous and anxious of course, but I'm more excited to see her again.

"Jungkook."

I turned and saw her at the end of the aisle. She looked nervous. I don't blame her. My heart sinks and I have that small feeling of wanting to run away. But I take a step towards her. I'm not running.

"I'm so sorry about what happened that day. And I'm so sorry for the months of ignoring you. I'd understand it if you hated my guts." I waited for her to say something but she didn't. My heart just sank further but I trudged on. "What you should know about me is that about five years ago I was almost murdered. And that day we got coffee.... I saw my attacker."

Her eyes wavered and her hands shot up to her mouth in shock.

I gulped hard, feeling my throat tight, but I kept going. "I wanted to kill him Y/N. I might have. But... I'm not like him. I don't want to let the hate I have for him control my life anymore." My bottom lip started quivering as my grip on my emotions shook. I looked away to try and make myself not cry. "But I don't know if I can forgive him. I don't think it's possible. But I don't wanna live like this anymore! I pushed you away because I thought that if I kept being your friend I'd just bring you down." I quickly wiped my eyes, noticing a few tears leave hers, "So here I am, hoping I can still be your friend. Even if I'm a screw up. Even if I'm too serious, boring, or broken, or crazy, or whatever! I want to be with you because.... Because I like you."

She wiped her eyes under her glasses and puffed out her cheeks in frustration, "You made me cry..."

"I'm sorry," I apologized full of regret.

"But thank you for coming to say you were sorry....I wasn't really looking for that though..."

"You weren't?"

She shook her head, "I just wanted you to trust me enough to be honest with me. Let your walls down a little. I'm so happy you did, thank you. I'm you're fine... You look fine..." But the slight smile that she had disappeared, "I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I can't imagine what it's been like."

"Yeah..."

Her eyes glanced somewhere towards the back of the store, "I'm sorry I can't talk more right now. My boss is coming this way."

I scratched the back of my neck, "Yeah I'm sorry, I just ran over here without really thinking."

She giggled a little, "I'm glad you did."

"Right..." I agreed with a slight blush.

"Would you mind coming back in a few hours? I have a short shift today."

"Sure."

She stepped backwards, smiling bashfully, "Ok... I'll see you later."

"See ya."