Saudade

Prologue

Prologue

7 Years Earlier...

Pregnant. This one word has the ability to change, and quite possibly ruin, my entire life.

I sink down against the bathroom sink, pregnancy test in hand. What am I going to do?

There is no way I am getting an abortion, but I won't let this child ruin both mine and Matt's lives. Only one of our lives should be ruined, not both.

We both have our dreams of making it pro in the riding world. He said we'd make it together, that we would be the next Boyd and Sylvia Martin's of the riding industry. I always believed him, I still do.

I know that if I reveal to him about the pregnancy, he will drop everything to help me raise the child, but I can't let him give up his dream, too. At least one of us should live out our dreams.

I run a hand through my long dirty blond hair. I wonder what the baby will look like. Will they have my hair? Matt's eyes? Hopefully they will have Matt's eyes, I love his eyes.

As long as this baby had something of Matt's I would be okay, maybe, I just needed a part of Matt in this baby to always remember him by. That is, other than the fact that it's his.

Pushing myself off the cool tile floor, I look at myself in the mirror. I know what I have to do. There is only one way Matt would allow a break up to happen. I have to do this, no matter how much it hurt either one of us. It will be better this way in the long run. Hopefully.

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"I'm sorry, Matt, but the feelings just aren't there anymore," I bite my lip to keep myself from crying. This is all a lie. But he'll never know that.

He looks at me, incredulous, "What are you saying, babe? What do you mean? Is it something I did?" He walks towards me and cups my face in his hands.

It takes everything in me to keep from crying and telling him the truth. I keep repeating to myself that it is better this way, it really is.

"You did nothing. I just don't love you anymore." The words feel like acid in my mouth. I am madly in love with him, this is why I am doing this. This is the right thing to do. He'll thank me one day, maybe.

"Please," his voice breaks, "don't do this."

I look away. I can't stand looking at him, his face completely crestfallen. You can tell his heart is breaking, and it's causing my heart to break even more. Everyone always told us that you can tell that we are in love with each other just by the way we look at each other.

"I know you don't want to do this," he speaks again. I can tell he is on the verge of tears. I need to end this quicker, otherwise I know I will be risking coming clean. So I pull out the one thing I know that will hurt him the most and will ensure that I could get away, as smoothly as possible.

"I do. I found someone else. He makes me happier than you do. I'm sorry, but I cheated on you with him."

Silence fills the air. He looks at me, shocked. I can feel my heart literally breaking. I wish I never had to do this. Seeing his face, I wish I can take it back. A single tear falls from his eye.

That is it, I can't take being here another minute. I turn and walk away.

My steps echo throughout the room. I try to walk at a normal pace, but every instinct in my body is telling me to run back to him. But I can't. Not now, not ever.

Just as I reach the door and open it, I hear him call out. "I'll always love you Scarlett. You'll always be the only one for me. Now and forever."

I pause at the door and squeeze my eyes shut at his words. His words ring true, for the both of us. Oh how I want to go back and tell him this is all just a lie, but I can't. I wont. Before I do anything I will regret, I walk out. Leaving him alone.

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Nine months later...

"Push!" the nurse tells me.

"Ahh!" I scream as I push again. The pain is too much. At that moment, I wish I had Matt here, by my side. Granted, there isn't a day that passes by where I don't wish that. That is all I ever wish for anymore.

Suddenly, a crying noise fills the air. A smile appears on the nurse's face. "Scarlett, say hello to your new daughter," the nurse says as she towels her off, wraps her in a blanket, and places her in my arms.

I look down at my daughter. Her eyes open and I gasp. She has Matt's eyes. I stroke what little hair she has on her head.

"What's her name?" the nurse quietly asks.

I think for a second. "Georgia. Her name is Georgia Katherine Hanks."

The nurse nods, and jots the name down. "Now what is the father's name?"

I freeze. I didn't want Matt to know about her. That would ruin his life. He was becoming a well-known rider down in Wellington.

So I say the only thing I know that will keep us both safe and him not knowing, no matter how bad it looks.

"I don't know who the father is."