make out buddy » fillie

one » my broken self

♡
HIM
"i've truly loved you but i don't anymore"

3 a.m, like every night,
heavy and painful feeling in my chest,
thought louder than they should be,
choking in my own tears droping on the floor with this little song who's repeating itself.
headache,
heartache,
like if my brain was empty but you were screaming into it.
"it's not the same between us" "i've truly loved you but i don't anymore" "it's been a long time i wanted to tell you that i'm sorry" "let's stay friends because i don't wanna loose you".

"i'm sorry! i'm sorry! I'M SORRY!"

i'm crying and screaming in my bedroom, grabbing my blanket, balling in my bed. not wanting nothing but this voices in my head to stop.

"i didn't meant to do that, i love you i'm sorry. PLEASE I'M SORRY!"

i should stop screaming, he can't hear me anyway; but i need to sort it out.
i'm lost in my own thought.
do i love him?
do i hate him?
i don't know, maybe both.

"YOU DESTROYED ME DON'T YOU SEE?"

i hate myself so much.
why do i have to break everything and everyone that i have?
why did i have to break him too?
i miss him, i miss everything he is and everything he did to me.
i miss his feelings towards me.
the way he loved me so much that i was full of happiness.
the way he hold me and let me cry on his shoulders.
the way we kissed and cuddled.
the way he told me i was beautiful and sweet.
but i miss even more the way i believed him.
i miss him.
so much.

"honey? are you okay?" my mom tells me, putting me out of my thought.

"yeah, bad dream." i lie, the tears making my vision blurry.

"again?" she asks with concern in her voice and in her eyes while siting on my bed, her long hair tickling my arm.

"yep"

"are you sure it's just bad dreams? look how much you cry and the pain in your eyes sweetheart. i can't act like if i don't see all that..."

oh if only you knew mom, i wish i coul tell you but it's gonna break you too and i don't want to make you sad too.

"i'm sorry mom. this bad dreams... they're really... painful."

"i understand that you can have really bad dreams, but i think you should see someone, it's been almost 2 months now, i can find a doctor or something."

"no, no, it's okay don't worry. i feel like they're gonna stop soon anyway."

they aren't, help me mom, please, i need help.

"ok, i believe you, but if they don't stop come tell me. go to sleep now. love you."

please mom... stay i need you.

"love you, goodnight."

and with that she got up and left.

i wrapped in my white blanket and fell asleep.

- - - 7 a.m

i wake up, dry tears on my cheeks and still this fucking headache.
i look around me, seeing this stupid bedroom with this ideous pink walls that i've covered with old band's posters and pictures with my best friends sadie, gaten and maddie.
i went downstairs, but, like every morning, i wasn't hungry; but my mom should not know so i'm gonna take some food and i'll give it to gaten after like i do for almost a month now.

"hi sweetie, what do you want to eat today?" my dad asks me kindly.

my dad is this type of dad who is not really often here but when he is he do all he can to spend time with me and make me happy.
i love my dad, i really do, but when he's at home i can't spend a lot of time with my friends.