The Edge of Everything

Chapter Three

Once we were finished with breakfast everyone decided to follow us back home. They weren't done celebrating with the birthday girl. I was glad I wouldn't be forced to spend her birthday alone. For some reason her birthday was one of the hardest days for me. Because it was the day I realized how different my life would become. It was the day I realized how truly amazing and horrifying it was to become a mother.

Don't get me wrong, I would never call my child a mistake. The circumstances that surrounded it were. But Rey is my life, my entire world. I wouldn't trade her for all the peaceful nights in our tiny town of Velaris. It was just hard sometimes, to put a lid on the emotions that followed you after you were assaulted. It was hard to remember what life was like before you started to jump at every shadow, every voice you didn't recognize.

I think Feyre knew how hard it was for me. Because she took it upon herself to make sure everyone was actually following us back home. Feyre and Mor took Rey out back as I tried to pull myself back together. I was still a little shaken from what had happened at breakfast. I didn't even eat any of my pancakes. Cassian noticed, he always noticed.

He put his hand on my knee and I just leaned into him. I closed my eyes and listened to them talk about work and what they were going to do this weekend. Mor and Azriel were going away for their anniversary. Feyre seemed interested enough as Mor told her about the little cottage they were renting up near the beach.

I stayed quiet, my eyes still closed as Cassian kept his warm hand pressed against my thigh. Sometimes I hated the way I needed him, the way I would lead him on like this. Then again he never did anything to make me stop. He never told me as my best friend he didn't want me to do this. So I leaned into his touch and I forced my heart and my head to stop thinking of all the terrible things that could happen.

"You sure you're okay?" Cassian asked as I pulled away once the table was cleared.

I nodded slowly, "yeah. I just. He's never been back. I can't have him thinking he has a right to her. Or me for that matter."

He wiped away a silent tear that slipped down my cheek, "hey Feyre. Can you and Rhysand take Rey back to the house? I need to borrow Nesta for a minute. We'll meet you all back there."

My sister nodded, Rey looked ready for a nap as she held onto her aunt. Cassian thanked them and then pulled me out the door. We were sitting in his truck, driving somewhere. I was starting to calm down. It wasn't as hard to realize how foolish my outburst was once we were away from the diner. Plus Rey was with her aunt, I didn't have to put on a show.

"Cassian I'm okay," I said quietly after a moment, "we can go home. I just got a little anxious back there at the diner."

He flashed me a smile, "no. I want to take you somewhere that I know you'll feel better. Then we can get home to our girl."

Sometimes I start to wonder if I'm crazy. This man beside me, he's far too good for this world. He takes care of me, he's always been there beside me. Ever since I can remember I had Cassian's back and he had mine. Why I haven't made a move, why I've let my fear of losing him all together stop me from pursuing more than a friendship was beyond me.

"You're too good for me," I sighed as I looked out the window, "I don't know how we ever became friends."

He laughed, that deep rich laugh that could pull me from even the worst of dreams, "I believe my first memory is a little tiny fiery Nesta pushing me down in the play pen we shared because I took her pillow."

I blushed, "it was my favorite pillow. My dad gave it to me."

"I know. But I believe that is when our friendship began."