The Edge of Everything

Chapter Thirteen

I barely even remembered the drive back to the house. My mind kept going back to that message, the picture. I couldn't stop seeing it, the name Ella right about it. Then more tears would fill my eyes and I'd try to pull myself together. I waited in the car for a few seconds before I got out. I opened the front door and Cassian smiled his greeting at me.

I didn't offer one back. I set my things on the counter and let out a breath. I counted to five in my head, my blood roaring in my ears. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to approach what had just happened. I was angry and upset, I had every right to be. But I was still afraid to voice it. I was still afraid of letting myself be the Nesta I was before.

I turned around and looked at him. Rey was fast asleep on his lap, his hands still running through her hair. As I looked at him with my daughter I snapped. I wanted to protect myself, but I had to protect her first. I walked over to them and picked Rey up off his lap. Without saying a word I took her and walked her into my room and laid her down in her bed. I pulled the covers up to her shoulder and smoothed down her hair. I closed the bedroom door so she wouldn't wake up. Cassian was standing in front of the counter, waiting for me as I walked back into the kitchen.

I crossed my arms and tried to prepare my heart for yet another break. I knew no matter what this one wouldn't be clean, "I think that you should go."

His face fell, "wait what? Nesta."

I shook my head and threw his phone on the counter beside him. He jumped slightly at the clunk it made falling down on the granite. He didn't look at it, instead he kept his eyes one me.

I sighed steeling my gaze. I wouldn't back down. I was done being afraid of myself, of my emotions, "I took your phone by accident. Someone named Ella wants to know if your date is still on. So you should go. Get ready for it."

His eyes went wide in surprise, not guilt. But that didn't stop the voice inside my head. The voice that told me one day Cassian would tire of me. One day he would walk away and I would never be the same again. The voice that sounded a lot like Tomas.

Cassian shook his head, "Nesta. I'm not seeing her. She won't leave me alone."

I nodded, "right. I mean you got what you wanted out of me. I gave in, I was your biggest chase. So now go look for another."

Tears filled my eyes and Cassian stayed standing there. He walked forward and grabbed my arms. He pulled me into his chest, I fought him but he didn't care. He held me tightly even as I pushed against his chest. I struggled against his arms, but he won that war. He pressed my face into his chest as I fell apart. I heard Tomas's voice telling me no one would ever want me. I felt his hands violate me, telling me I was damaged goods now.

I closed my eyes and I was thrown so far back into my insecurities and my doubts I couldn't find my way out. Cassian wasn't the light at the end of the tunnel this time. He wasn't the one who would pull me out. This time my pain had been caused by the one person who had always promised to protect me.

He ran his hands up my arms. I stepped away from him. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see anything but fear. My hands were shaking, Tomas and his words rolling around in my head over and over again. Gods I hated him for changing me. I hated him. But I hated myself even more for believing him.

Cassian let out a slow breath. He was fighting back tears as he let me pull away from him. I took a step back, the air filling my lungs. My breathing wasn't normal, I was fighting off the panic that filled my body. His hands flinched as if he wanted to reach for me again. But he could see I needed space.

"I love you Nesta, I told you that. Ella, she's been obsessed with me ever since she started. She calls meetings at work our dates. She's shown up at my house and I've had to call the cops to remove her. She is no one, nothing to me, Nes. You have to believe me."

I looked up at him, "Cassian. She sent you pictures."

His jaw went tight, "okay. I'm sorry Nesta. I'm so sorry you saw that. It's not what you think. Please. Ask Rhysand. Or Mor. I've complained enough about her."

I tried to look at him but it hurt. Everything hurt, the same way it had two years ago when my life fell apart. The only thing that had put me back together again was my best friend. And now he was the one tearing me apart.

"Did you mean any of it?" I whispered softly as he stood there pleading for me to listen. His eyes were wide and there were more tears lining the bottom of them, "did you really wants us to be a family? To adopt Rey? Or was this all just a big game to you?"

"Nesta no this was never a game, you have to believe me. I meant every word I've ever said to you. I love you, I love Rey. I want to be a family, gods I want to wake up every morning and turn over and find you beside me in the mornings. Ella is nothing, no one. She's someone who is obsessed with chasing someone she can't have."

I swallowed more tears. For a moment I believed him. His voice broke and his hands reached for me. But when my eyes found his I didn't see Cassian, I didn't see my best friend. I saw Tomas telling me he would never hurt me again. I heard the voice of the man who told me I was nothing more than his whore, no one else would ever love me the way he would.

I saw the man who had used and abused me for months standing there. I was determined to protect myself this time. I was determined to protect my daughter no matter what the cost. I shook my head slowly, "I want to believe you. But I just. I believed the last person who lied to me too. I trusted him too. I can't. I have to protect myself this time."

Cassian stepped back. His tears gave away to anger. The change happened so fast I almost forgot he had been upset, "so you're comparing me to Tomas now? Wow, I'm flattered."

My heart stopped, "well he lied to me too. Not that it ever hurt this badly. You have to see how this looks, Cass. You have to know I'm protecting myself and my daughter."

"I thought we trusted each other," he shook his head, both our emotions tangled up with the confusion we were suddenly feeling, "but I guess I was wrong. I guess," he sighed, "I guess I don't know who you are anymore. I didn't know you were this cold."
"I'm not cold, I'm putting myself first," my jaw was tight, but my heart was begging me to forgive him, to let his words wash over me and be the truth. Something stopped me though, be it fear or stubbornness. I was afraid of letting myself give into Cassian completely. I was afraid of letting someone hold my heart in their hands again.

I was afraid of falling in love with someone like Tomas.

"I would never do any of the things that monster thought of doing to you," Cassian's voice was hard, "I thought you knew that. I thought. Never mind," he ran his hands down his face and his tears were all gone now, "it doesn't matter what I say. You made up your mind. Just like you always do."

My mouth went dry. He wasn't fighting for me. He wasn't fighting for us. That scared me more than the messages I found on his phone.

"Cassian," I stepped forward, reaching for him this time. We had been through so much and yet I knew this was the worst thing to have happened. At one of the worst times too. I should've believed him.

But I let Tomas win, by embracing my fears, my doubts. I let him change me once more and so I pushed away the only man who had ever been worthy of my love. The only person who had stood beside me through it all.

He shook his head. He held up his hands and then ran one through his hair. He heaved a loud sigh, his eyes going over my shoulder towards the closed door. When he looked at me again the spark was gone.

My Cassian was gone. Replaced by the man I had just hurt. The man I had pushed away. In front of me stood a stranger, "maybe I should leave. Tell Rey I'll come back later. She asked if I would stay tonight too. I told her I would, but now. Now I don't know what to feel."

I didn't move to stop him. I let him walk out of the house. I let him leave and my poor heart broke completely as I realized how big of a mistake I had just made. Because I didn't just lose Cassian, I lost part of my soul as he closed the door and walked away from us.