Our Deathly Love

Dreams

I blinked. A white light pooled from some nonexistent source, filling a colorless room. Every corner- every crevice was white; white textureless nothing. The air was neither cold or warm, an anxious feeling swirled about in my stomach shooting up my body. I was not sure why I felt such unease but as time ticked away the feeling grew stronger and stronger. As my panic reached a boiling point, consuming me in such concentrated suffering, an explosion of color erupted from no given point in the room. Deep blues, angry reds, and violent purples all spewed savagely across the once white horizon. Startled by such unexpected shades I covered my eyes with clammy hands. I couldn't close my eyes, my eyelids refusing to listen to reason. My fingers being the only thing keeping me from being exposed to the dangers of such life. That's the only way to explain the colors, they were an explosion of life, ever changing- converging into new complex things. A sharp shiver ran down my spine as the once unnoticeable temperature plummeted freezing me to the bone. My fingers wavered for only moments as the cold hit them, still holding steadily to my fearful eyes. My fingers were saving me from having to see such painful things. 

The moment my eyes were hidden, the screaming started. Screams of pain, sorrow, and hardship- screams so frightening that I for moments wondered if were human at all. The noise filled my brain scrambling my thoughts, the sound beyond painful. My once frozen fingers broke away from my ever-gazing eyes, clamping fiercely on my ears trying to shut out the deadly noise. My eyes unable to close saw them- I was surrounded. Bodies pushed in shoving to get to me, their screams not reaching my ears but my eyes were unable to look away from their pain filled faces. Tears fell from my eyes landing on the once white ground with the same evil colors that had overtaken this barren place. Amongst the swarm of people that now surrounded me I saw familiar faces: Rowan, Arya, Fredrick, and countless others, their eyes all gazing upon me with defeated accusations. Their bodies sick and mangled reached for me, the growing masses only inches from my skin. Fingers seared my flesh as they flocked, the mass of shoving, pulling bodies seemed like an endless sea of pain and turmoil. Even as their bodies crushed me and pushed me under their newly formed horde, my fingers stayed clamped over my ears, no matter how hard their fingers tore at my skin, I could not let go, I could not listen. 

I felt my legs give out, falling to my knees my own scream was lost upon the waves of the immeasurable others. Fear crept in my bones like ice. Pulling in a deep breath I choked, the smell of decomposition encompassing me- stealing the breath straight from my lungs as the sickening truth hit me.....

They were dead.

I had failed them, in the worst way one person can fail another, and they were dead. Now their souls clung to me screaming for me to save them, screaming as they realized I'd forsaken them, when they'd needed me most. I'd betrayed them and now, they demanded restitution- fair payment for the follies of a stupid little girl who made promises she couldn't dare to keep. They demanded blood.

I'd refused to see them, to acknowledge them, and when I finally saw them I'd felt guilty- my soul had demanded that I help them, but instead of saving them, instead of opening myself up wholly I made half-meant-swears, shutting myself away, distancing myself emotionally from them. I said I would help but I'd kept my fingers tight around my ears. I never listened, I only swore more meaningless oaths to others, to help me sleep at night. I refused to let anyone in, I refused to let anyone help me. So in the end the problems became too big to dig myself out of, it became too late to save anyone. Yet, even knowing I had failed not only my friends and family but innocents as well I still clung to the hope of saving myself. I've always been selfish, putting myself before others but this time was different. I did not fight, their blood was on my hands. Resolve filled me as their fingers tore at me, this was my blood penance. Even though fear was a part of my soul, I gave up and allowed my hands to fall from my face. I gaped horrified  as my mother's battered body pulled me close to her, her eyes swirling as she pleaded desperately, "Save me!"