Excerpt from a Book I will Never Write

57

A Letter to my First Love...

I want to thank you. For everything you taught me. You loved me when I couldn't love myself, and I'm forever grateful. You were my first love. Bitter sweet everything. Your laugh. Your smile. Your passion. We fell in love but at the wrong time. I trusted you. I was 15, and thought I knew everything. You made me believe in love. Its funny, because when we first met, I hated you. You were so persistent on talking to me. I'm glad I took a chance on you. You were my whole life. I would have done everything in my power to have a future with you. We were together for a year. But you betrayed me. You taught me how to love but you ripped it away so fast. Its something I'll always have in the back of my mind. Like a nagging feeling, asking why I wasn't good enough. You convinced me that I was, and I believed you. When we broke up, it was one the hardest times in my life. I needed you. But you told me you didn't have time for me anymore and that you didn't love me. I practically begged you to stay. I thought my world was ending. I couldn't understand, I still don't, how you could just throw everything we had just for a girl who meant nothing to you. Its not fair. I did everything for you. I was there for you when you were having family problems. I pushed you into pursuing your passion. And now its your life. I wouldn't say I hate you, because I don't. I just simply don't understand. I want to hate you, but I cant. God I wish I could. I cried everyday for what felt like hours. For weeks. When I finally thought I moved on, you popped back up and all of my feelings for you resurfaced. I told myself not to do it. You lost my trust, but I so easily gave in. When you did start talking to me again, is when you told me you cheated. I didn't care, I do now. I don't understand why I didn't care. It breaks my heart now. I thought I needed to be loved by you because you were my first love. I fell in love with you all over again. It stuns me how everything was different. In a good way. We dated for 2 years after we broke up. So kind of 3 years. Those 2 years were everything to me. I just getting ready to graduate high school. I wanted to go to college, you were going to college to purse your passion. It felt like we had our entire future ahead of us. Things got really rough. I don't know how it happened. I had pushed all of my anger away the first time, and it was coming back. I was so angry. You know what sucks the most? You were the one person who was supposed to have my back. But you let your family fill your head with lies. You didn't trust me. I was so loyal. YOU were the one that cheated but I wasn't trusted. I still somehow told myself that everything was going to be okay. It wasn't though. You broke me so badly. But I couldn't see past the lies you were feeding me. I would fall asleep on accident, and I would wake up to missed calls, messages on every social media. You accused me of cheating on you. It was a daily occurrence. Every little thing was investigated by you. I had to tiptoe around you and watch what I said. Because one wrong saying and you went off. You were so worried that I was going to cheat on you, to get revenge. But while you were slowly breaking my heart, you didn't know that I still would have given anything to be your future. I fell out of love with you. Slowly, then all at once. It happened so fast. One day I was head over heels in love with you and the next day, I wasn't. I'm not sure how its possible. Everything hit rock bottom with the snap of your fingers. I didn't fully understand it. I told you I needed a break because I wasn't sure where my heart was. But I honestly knew deep down I wasn't in love with you anymore. I just didn't was to accept it. I wanted to love you forever. But I was so unhappy, I cried almost every night because I was so sad. But you couldn't tell. You were too wrapped up with yourself to notice. You ask me what happened and I still tell you I don't know. People say real feeling don't just go away. There's still a huge part of me that will always love you, no matter what. There's some days were I still think we could have worked, if things were different. Its been 3 months since we broke up. I needed closure but I think I found it. Not everyone is meant to love each other forever. I just need you to know that I love you. But I'm not in love with you. And that im sorry things couldn't be different.