How do I put my words into fear? My fear is stronger than just fearing everyone I love will abandon me. Yes, I fear abandonment, but it is stronger than that!
I fear people getting to know me. Liking me. Loving me. Then one day they open their eyes and realize they don't love me anymore. Leaving me.
I fear my own expectations. I expect people to be better than they actually are. I break my own heart.
The more the fear grows, the more I push people away.
I want to go down to your room and ask for a hug. I want a hug that lasts a long time in silence, until finally I am ready to whisper my fears to you.
I fear that instead of reaching out to you, I will push you away. Leave you in silence because I am hurting. I do not want to drag you down with me.
You say you love me but you haven't truly seen my fears, anxiety, and sadness for what it is. You haven't seen me. Strip away my flesh and watch my bones shatter. Watch me shake with anxiety (uncontrollable and for hours). Watch and hear me cry. Watch me try and push you away.
drawing, hand, and sad image
You cannot love me.
I have seen the look before.
The look of shock.
The look of realization.
The look of, perhaps, regret.
The look of OH SHIT, she is as damaged as she said she was. Her warnings were real.
The look of pity.
The sadness in your eyes.
The look of realization that I may be crazy. But, oh no, not the crazy you like. Not the manic pixie, cute girl who's silly and weird. No look deeper and you realize, you see me for the crazy I am. An undesirable crazy, you decide.
Yes, love, I fear abandonment and people leaving because when you take a closer look at me you just might realize... I am not the girl you want. I am not what you think I am.
YOU ARE READING
Excerpt from a Book I will Never Write
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