Excerpt from a Book I will Never Write

98

06/12/15

I made it through the day, I must have said "I'm fine, thanks" and "I'm fine, thank you.." at least 37 times. Look I'm fine, I'm okay I promise..and I didn't mean it once. The worst day of loving someone is the day that you lose them. I feel hopeless, depressed, angry...but most of all, I'm scared..part of me just wants to end it, but then I think of him. I can't do this..I can't. I can't move on and I don't want to. If that makes me weak, then fine I'm weak but..I can't handle feeling like this anymore. The worst feeling in the moment that you realize you've lost yourself. I can't live like this. I'm feeling things that I don't wanna feel, I'm becoming someone that I don't wanna be.. I don't think I'm gonna survive this. In the end, when you know you lost somebody, every candle, every prayer is not gonna make up for the fact that the only thing that you have...left, is a hole in your life where that somebody you care about used to be. One minute I think I'm fine, the next minute I feel like I'm dying. I'm okay, I'm okay the next person that ask if I'm okay I swear I'm gonna start throwing punches. How I feel inside me? I wish I couldn't feel anything. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing. I found a way to get out of bed this morning that makes the strongest person I know, but I'm still broken inside..