Excerpt from a Book I will Never Write

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There is only one photo but it's lost, somewhere out there. I was 17, in my first year at college. For so long I was just that dorky best friend, but suddenly things were different. I worked hard at school but still hung out with the cool kids. This made me a friend of the nerds as well as the alt kids. I would debate psychology in class and then debate punk bands with my friends. I would skip college but only when I'd done all my classes. I went to shows every week and became friends with bands. We wore baggy trousers, tiny vest tops and hoodies. We carried rucksacks and wore kids jewellery, plastic bracelets all the way up our arms. I wore my hair down or messy. Sometimes I'd deliberately ignore the norms of the scene and where the complete opposite. Red lips, evening dresses to punk shows, and baggy jeans out to dinner. We would just hang out in town, drink tea and pretend we didn't notice the skaters. I was a good kid. I would stay out all night and party to the sun rose, but I'd do my homework first and help my mum out at the shop. I'd be out every night but I'd work on the weekend to fund myself.

One day, my best friend, my partner in crime told me that she had heard that he had a crush on me. I was about to walk in for an exam. I couldn't concentrate. Of course I always wanted a cute skate punk boyfriend but I was too cool to ever admit that. I had first noticed him when I was 13. His best friend was in a band with my brother. He had cool hair. I thought him and his best friend were both cute. We had never spoken but I knew who he was. And now, he was older, in the biggest band in town and he had a crush on me. What? I was just a massive nerd! I was just having fun with my friends obsessing over the latest music. How could someone that cool be interested in me?

At the same time, I had been told by my other best friend that her boyfriend's friend liked me. I had felt confident that day and strode up to him. I sat next to him and asked him if he had a crush on me. His hands shook as he pretended to read a newspaper. I suggested we go on a date. I wore a gold lace dress as I waited for him. He never showed. I later found out he was stoned. He told me he was too nervous to go. I didn't know if I liked him enough so I shook it off. He worked in a bar. I went to see him the same night I knew I was going to accidentally bump into the rock star. It was quiet at the bar. I asked him why he stood me up and asked him if he wanted another chance. I told him that someone else was interested now. He promised me if I gave him a second chance, if I chose him, he would do it properly. I said I'd think about it and walked off.

At the pub, our mutual friends had engineered an accidental visit between the rock star and me. I tripped in front of him but played it cool. He told me that he liked the fact I could just trip and pretend it was nothing. We kissed that night. And later I fell in love. For a while it was blissful. He was cool. I didn't notice things like that he was 'off on tour', I just wanted to hang with him. One day he told me he would be touring with one of my brothers favourite bands so we planned to go to the home show. I was so excited. All my friends would be there, my brother would be there, an awesome set of bands would be there and he would be there. I bought a new top and paired it with baggy jeans. We went for a family dinner first and I was hardly able to contain myself. Eventually we went to the show. His band were awesome. The other bands were awesome. I felt cool. I loved that he came off stage and then came to find me. We sat on the floor outside and my friend took a photo. It's the only photo of the show I have. It's the only photo I have of us together. Not long after we split. He broke my heart. I truly loved him.

We're not kids anymore. Things have changed. We don't even see each other. That period of my life, and that heartache left a long time ago. I haven't seen the photo for a long time; I realise it's a snapshot of an amazing youth. It's not about him. He was just a part of it. It was the whole thing. It was the excitement, the love, the friendships, the experiences, the start of a journey. And now, it's like a pain of all the things I've lived, and all the things I will never live again.