Mary Grace

Fourteen

Fourteen

I stared into the white ceiling just above my head that doesn't look familiar to me anymore even though it's the first thing I see every morning when I wake up. Dried tears on my cheeks benumbed my face. Nahihilo pa ako nang bumangon ako mula sa pagkakahiga. My throat is dry from screaming out loud and crying my heart out.

I turned off the stereo playing Skeletons by Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I peeled off my clothes and changed into my usual boxer shorts and oversized baseball shirt.

Napatingin ako sa pills. I grabbed it and shoved it inside the far corner of my cabinet. I even placed some of my clothes to hide it. Bumagsak ulit ako sa kama.

I'm such a coward. I keep on telling that this would be the last and yet, I don't even have the courage to do it.

---

When the sun came up, I pretended as if I didn't cried for hours. I skipped into the dining room silently and ate breakfast.

Nakita ko si Dad na may dalang bouquet of sunflowers. Dahan-dahan niyang nilapitan si Mommy then he hugged her from the back while she was cooking.

"Happy anniversary," He murmured into her ears.

My mother's face lit up like a Christmas tree. She smiled widely at her husband and affectionately touched his cheeks. "Thanks, hon."

I couldn't help but smile a little. Eating breakfast while watching my parents being lovey-dovey at each other isn't as bad at all. My mom caught my eyes. I quickly averted my gaze and finish off my breakfast.

"Pwede ka bang umuwi nang maaga mamaya?" Dad asked softly. Something inside of my chest clenched painfully because I know that he knew something is wrong with his daughter and he's taking extra caution of every word he says.

"Yeah, of course. For what?" I slipped into my school shoes and pretended to busy myself in fixing my tie in front of the mirror.

"We'll have dinner for celebration."

"Isn't it exclusive for the two of you?" I cocked an eyebrow.

"No, Mary Grace. It's not. We will celebrate our wedding anniversary as a family,"

"Sure," I shrugged but I knew I wouldn't make it home tonight. Not after attempting to kill myself earlier.

"Thanks, darling. See you later." Mom beamed.

Bigla akong na-guilty. Lumabas kaagad ako ng bahay only to find Harry and Ate Annie on the doorsteps.

"—I know that. Goodluck." Harry pulled Ate Annie and kissed her on the forehead. Our eyes met when his lips touched her skin. Kaagad akong umiwas ng tingin. I keep my gaze on the ground as I headed out of the house and started walking down the pavement. When I looked back, Harry was watching me. Pero kaagad din niyang ibinaling ang tingin sa ate ko.

I sighed. This was supposed to be a good day. My parents are celebrating their anniversary and my sister is taking her board exam. Dapat masaya ako. But I can't just be happy and celebrating when I almot planned on killing myself last night.

I attended my class because Jeremy told me to do so. Nagagalit na siya sa akin dahil pinapabayaan ko na ang pag-aaral ko and I don't want to deal with dramas anymore so I obliged him. Besides, I don't want to see Nikka or Juliet having pot session in the rest room again.

Focusing myself on the poetry we are dissecting in poetry class consumed me from my suicidal thoughts. It was supposed to be a happy thought of a dead poet but I can still read sad verses between the lines. Sinundo ako ni Jeremy after class and we decided to hit the ice cream parlor before we go to his apartment.

"Mary Grace," Jeremy said the moment I got inside his car. I gripped the tiny paper bowl with ice cream tightly in my hands. He searched for my eyes.

"Bakit?"

"Is there something wrong?"

I shrugged. "Wala naman. What are you talking about?"

"Well, you see," He scanned me for a second. "One of m friends is seeing a therapist and he tells me about it. Sabay kaming um-attend ng program about suicides and domestic violence. I learned a lo from it. But it doesn't mean I'm a mind reader or what not. Nakikita ko lang ang mga sintomas ng isang suicidal person sa iyo. I mean, we're all depressed here and that's completely normal. Pero sa iyo...iba."

I shut my mouth. I wanted to tell him that I just tried to swallow a whole bottle of pills last night but I didn't. Not because I don't have the courage to do so, but because he doesn't seem like the right person to tell this kind of crap.

"There's nothing wrong with me, Jeremy. I'm just... stressed out."

Hindi niya ako sinagot and I know I didn't convinced him with my answer either. He just chose not to press it anymore and I'm glad he did. The engine roared to life and the whole drive to his apartment was filled with awkward silence. For the first time in my life, I felt really awkward with Jeremy. Like he's another person sitting next to me. Thank God I still have my ice cream to busy myself.

My parents keep on calling me later that night. I just let the phone ring loudly inside my bag while Jeremy roamed my body. My mind is messy that I couldn't even respond to his kiss properly. It feels like I'm tasting other person's mouth instead of him. His touch doesn't seem familiar anymore and I don't find his strokes comforting.

We lay side by side silently, completely naked after having se x. I turned away from him and after awhile, he went to shower. I stared at my fjallraven kanken bag sitting on the floor and my shoes next to it. The scattered uniforms on the floor and the dark blue mat on the door.

None of this seems familiar to me. Everything is just so fucking strange.

Jeremy went out of the bathroom with a white towel wrapped around his waist. He eyed me and said, "I'm done. You can use the shower—"

"I need to tell you something."

"What?"

"Let's break up." I blurted out. A surprised look crossed his face na maski ako ay nagulat din sa sinabi ko.

"What?"

"You heard me, let's break up." I pressed without any hesitation.