A Home For Zoe

Unattached (Edited)

"I am a foster child.
I wonder how long I will stay at this house?"

Zoe

I stare out my bedroom window at the lake. The water is so clear, it feels like I can see all the way to the bottom. Even though it's been over a month, I often can't believe I really live here.

The longer I stay the more I start to like it here. Every day the number of times I need to remind myself that I do not get to stay here forever. This is not my room; it's their room. This is not my bed; I only sleep in it. The twins are not my sisters. Chloe is not my sister. Cason and Tyler are not my brothers. Alanna is not my mom and Bridger is not my dad. They may be trying to make me feel like I belong here, but I don't.

I look away from the lake and around the room. I notice that my closet door is open, revealing the empty hangers, my trash bag rests at the bottom, still full. The reality of it hits me, a clear reminder that this will never be my home. The weight of this settles over my heart, letting me know I haven't done nearly a good enough job protecting myself, my heart.

It's days like this when I think I was better off in the group homes or the bad foster families. This pain is worse than any physical pain I ever experienced other places.

I shudder at my memories from both the Cooper's and the Maddison's house. Don't think about that. Don't think about that.

"Zoe, it's time for school!" Alanna calls from down stairs.

"Coming," I yell back.

I grab my backpack off the chair, and hurry down the stairs. It's not good how normal this is to me. It's terrifying. I cannot get comfortable here. I can't let myself be happy. I do not want to be happy. If I let myself be happy it will only lead to heartbreak.

I understand that I'm not meant to have a family; being someone's daughter was not meant to be my path in life. I certainly don't have what it takes to be someone's sister, let alone have five brothers and sisters. I need to figure out a way to end this before I'm destroyed by it.

Alanna smiles warmly at me as I walk past.

This is exactly what I mean, everyone here is so nice, too nice. It would be way too easy for me to get comfortable, to feel safe.

Then they would send me away, everyone always does. Nobody wants me, nobody likes me, I am alone in the world, and I'm going to make sure it stays that way. Even if I wish my life could change, it's not possible.

Even school here is not that bad. Sitting with Cason and his friends at lunch makes not knowing anyone a little easier. He also introduced me around a little, so people know me as the basketball and track and baseball star's little sister, which gives me a certain cool factor.

Some of the girls in my class have tried to talk to me, make friends, but I know I've been acting standoffish, I can't help it. My walls are up 24/7 to protect my heart, it's not like I can pick and choose when to let them down.

My goal is to keep my head down and avoid growing close to anyone. Really, it's as much for everyone else's sake as for mine. I made a friend once, a month before the school year ended, I moved homes...and schools. A month later I ran into her when my foster parents took me to the store. She wasn't even happy to see me, instead she yelled at me for disappearing without even saying goodbye. She didn't even let me explain that I hadn't known I was leaving.

Over the years I've learned my lesson about making friends, just like I've learned my lesson about trusting anyone with my heart.