A Home For Zoe

Unlovable (In Editing)

"More often than not, the child starving for love
will ask for it in the most unloving way."

Zoe

Alanna walks into the bedroom, and gives me a warm smile. She is carrying a pile of laundry in her arms and walks over to a drawer to start putting things away. I call out to try and stop her but it is too late. She pulls open the top drawer and finds it empty, and then she opens all the other drawers. She walks over to the closet, which is bare except for my bag sitting at the bottom still filled with all my clothes.

"Zoe, why didn't you unpack your things?" she asks, like it makes no sense.

In that moment something snaps and I just start talking, "What would be the point? It's not like I'm staying here long. Do you have any idea how many times I've packed that bag, because one more family didn't want me? So maybe I didn't want to unpack, so what? Nobody wants me to stick around anyway. Nobody wants me. Nobody wants me. I'm unlovable. Nobody wants me. Not even my own father wanted me; he threw me away like a piece of trash, like I was worth nothing to him. He woke up one day and thought 'that kid is stupid and worthless and a waste of my time, so I'm going to hand her over to the state. Then at least she's somebody else's problem.' And then I spent years in and out of homes that tossed me away just like he did. Every time I had to repack my things and get into a car to drive somewhere else to do the same thing again. Every single time it tore me apart."

I'm shaking now, and tears stream down my face. I pull my knees up to my chest and sob. My chest aches, and I can't stop crying. I haven't really cried in years.

Suddenly I feel arms wrap around me, it's Alanna. In spite of myself I lean into her, needing comfort even though I know it's stupid.

"Hey, hey, shhhh. It's okay. You're wrong, Zoe, we want you. Me and Bridger, and Cason, Chloe, and Tyler, Hannah and Peyton. All of us love you. You are smart and beautiful and brave and strong. We love you, we want you. You are far from unlovable, you are incredible. And we are so lucky to know you, Zoe Whitman."

I hear her; I hear these things she is saying. The things I've wanted to hear my whole life.

I want to let these wonderful things in, let them heal what is broken inside of me, but I can't. I don't believe them. I can't let myself, because if they're not true, it will destroy me.

Alanna takes my hands in hers, and pulls them away from my face. She looks me right in the eyes, "Zoe, you're not going anywhere. Not unless you want to. We love you; you're a part of this family. Forever, ok? Do you hear me? We love you. Nothing will ever change that, ok?"

She's looking right into my eyes, almost like she knows I don't believe her yet.

"I love you, Zoe," she says.

And I believe her because I need to. I break every rule I have made for myself, every rule that protects me from heartbreak. And I nod, slowly.

Alanna wraps me in a tight hug, and doesn't let go. I cry into her shoulder, letting out years of pent up pain and anger. The whole time she holds me.

And in a part of my broken, damaged heart I feel pieces begin to sew themselves back together.

I don't know how long we sat there, before my tears finally dried and I pulled away.

Alanna smiles at me gently, and brushes a lose strand of hair from my face, "So can I help you unpack your bag now?"

Slowly, I nod my head and she gives me another quick hug before grabbing my bag out of the closet and opening it.