A Home For Zoe

Trust (Edited)

"If being in foster care gave me anything it's trust issues. A lot of them."

Zoe

When Bridger walks in the front door, his face is worn out and stressed. I feel a sinking feeling in my stomach. The twins dash to greet him and he picks them up, warm and kind as ever. But he sets them down when he reaches the kitchen, so he can motion for Alanna to join him in the hall.

I can hear muffled conversation from the hallway, but can't make out the words. I bet this is about me, he has finally gotten sick of having me around. Fear grips my chest, I don't want to leave, I feel as safe and happy as I ever have.

Alanna and Bridger come back into the room, but don't say anything, I wish they would just get it over with. The other kids didn't seem notice their strange behavior. I wonder for a moment what it would be like to feel like to be that secure, to not worry constantly, to be home, but I push these thoughts to the back of my mind, these past few months are probably as close as I'll get and now that's over.

Dinner is miserable, I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for the bomb to drop. When everyone had finished eating, Alanna says, "Your father and I have some news for all of you."

She looks nervous, and I feel like I'm going to throw up.

"Your father has been... laid off from work." She is picking her words very carefully. Trying to stay positive, she continues, "So he will be home to take care of you!"

The twins cheer, not really understanding what is going on, but Cason and Chloe look shocked and worried. Tyler's harder to read, but I know he must understand what this means. I certainly do, they might not have said it yet, but this is it for me. No job equals no extra money for an extra kid, one they were all ready sick of.

I know what is coming when Alanna opens her mouth to continue, but I can't hear it spoken out loud, I just can't. I stand and run out of the room, escaping before the tears begin to flow. I run to my room, slamming the door closed behind me. I fall face first onto my bed, almost sobbing. I pull a pillow to my chest, and rock, I knew this would happen, I knew this wouldn't last. I was so stupid to let myself get comfortable even for a second. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Someone is pounding on my door, but I don't respond, or open it to let them in. They pull it open anyway. I turn to face the wall. Go away, I plead silently.

Soft footsteps move across the floor and the bed shifts as a new weight settles on the edge. I don't react. A hand settles on my back and I barely choke down another sob.

They begin to speak, "Zoe, are you ok?" It's Alanna, and her voice is soft and full of worry. And it hurts so bad to hear it.

I don't think, in a sudden rush of blind anger I grab a throw pillow from my bed, lifting my head just long enough to toss it at her.

I hear her shocked gasp, but I don't care. They will send me away no matter what I do, it doesn't matter anymore. I tried and I failed.

I wait for the sound of now anger retreating footsteps, the slamming door, but they don't come. Instead, the hand returns to my back and moves in small circles

"Zoe, talk to me. I promise I'm a good listener."

I swipe at a fresh tear and burry my face in my pillow, "Go away," I mumble.

I can't see her face but I can imagine her sad frown, "What is it, sweetheart?"

Sweetheart. The word is like a slap in the face. I grope around for another pillow without lifting my head and blindly aim for her head. She sighs, "Zoe."

Finally, she is starting to get irritated, and suddenly I want to do everything I can to make her really really mad, truly angry, just to see how much it takes. I lift my head and reach over to the bed side table, where a picture sits of me and Chloe on the dock. Alanna had taken a ton of photos of me and hung them all over the house, I guess to convince me I belong. I snatch up the framed photo and lift it over my head smashing it down onto the floor where it makes a satisfying crash and the glass shatters into a million tiny pieces, just like my heart.

Until this moment I was trying to stay out of trouble, be quiet and blend in, but now I don't see a point.

To my surprise Alanna doesn't yell, she doesn't even look angry. Instead, she reaches over and gently takes my shaking hands in hers. "Zoe," she says softly, "you're not going anywhere. No matter what you break. No matter what happens."

I stare at her, eyes wide, how'd she knows what I was thinking? Why didn't she yell at me? Why didn't she take this opportunity to throw me out the door? I don't get it.

She lets go off my hand and touching my check, wiping away another tear. For a moment I'm terrified at being so vulnerable in front of someone, but then I can't bring myself to care.

"Say it, 'I'm not going anywhere.'"

"I'm not going anywhere." I repeat, the words leaving my lips before I can stop them, and I almost believe it.