Decisions- A Lams High school AU {CURRENTLY BEING REWRITTEN}

A/N: Searching for the Me Inside of Me (Rant, I Guess)

Guys, I know I should have updated by now, but my math teacher decided it would be a great idea to drown me in homework for the week of heaven that she's not here. Who am I kidding, this school is and always will be my hell. I mean, what the everliving fuck is wrong with the staff?! Also, being the one bi person in a very strict homophobic Catholic school sucks. The teachers probably know I am too, which is probably why they hate me and don't let me do anything. They've probably caught me staring at my lady crush a billion times.

I'm also having a very difficult time discovering myself. Everything is so confusing and everyone around me is against everything that I am. It's horrible to have to hide who you are behind this stupid happy mask that everyone knows as me. Everyone expects me to know who I'm going to be and what I'm going to do, but I don't even know if I'm comfortable in my own skin right now. And people act like I shouldn't feel complex emotions just because I'm young!

I really just don't feel okay with myself sometimes, too, so I just put on that same happy optimistic act. You know, the one that means "everything's going to be okay?" I fooled myself with that for a while, too. But I learned that you don't always have to be super smiley and sunshine to be a wholesome person. People like that are perfect robots to this society, but they're so flawed in that way.

That's what they all want me to be like, but that's not living. I just got so sick of making myself miserable for the sake of other people that I became very unstable, which is probably why the chapters of this book have been so fucked up.

A lot of the times, you can tell who an author is by how their story goes; we put our feelings into our words, then we transfer it onto paper. I've been through more than a few of the instances I've put into my writing, and I can't believe that I'm still alive. I'm glad I am though, so that I can fix all of the things I've done wrong. I know I've got a lot of time to do this, but life seems so short. I guess brushing death more than a few times makes you think a certain way.

Look, I'm trying to update, but I have so much work to do. I'm trying to find ways to have more control over the way that I live and feel, as well. I don't want to go back to how I was before, but so far it seems like I might already be slipping back into my old outlets for dealing with stress.

This kind of thing scares me, guys, especially when it feels like I don't even have control over my own mind and how I feel towards myself. So, I really wanted to make sure you guys knew why updates were coming in late, short, and slow. I should be back to updating soon, though. Thanks for sticking around for this, I didn't mean for it to get so deep. stay safe and stay lovely!
~Trin