Imbeciles! Fools! And Idiots

WHOLY MOTHER OF MEAT BUNS!

"You called me? Father?" Shi asked Sima Yi who sat at his desk.

"Kaguya got something for me," Sima Yi took out a plate which had a rectangular steaming bread. "This is what the future calls Hot Pockets!"

"THAT IS THE FUTURE OF BAOZI? A DISGRACE! It needs to be round and fluffy instead of a long... ugh! I can't stand this! Get rid of it!" Shi bursted out crying over the abominable baozi.

"You are not going to try it? Shi?"

"Never! Father! Send it through a black hole with your magic! It doesn't even look consumable!"

"Very well." Sima Yi used his magic and threw the diarrhea giving pocket through the black hole.

Shi started to calm down, "I will be leaving, Father. I have a dinner to attend to."

"I wish you well, My son." Yi nodded as Shi left and his wife arrived.

"Yi, I have made you some baozi."

"Oh? Leave them on that table." Sima Yi said starring down at scroll. Not making eye contact with Chunhua.

"Or would you like something else? ... Yi?" Zhang Chunhua spoke in a lewd tone.

"Yes, yes. Go do that." Sima Yi said dismissively.

"Yi!" Zhang Chunhua exclaimed slammed her hands on Sima Yi's desk.

On impact Sima Yi's hot tea spilled smearing the scroll that he was reading. To wipe off the tea Sima Yi used his bare hands.

"Arghh, aaahh!" Sima Yi screamed running in a personal circle. "Hot, Hot!"

Zhang Chunhua placed his hands on her own meat buns, "Are these cold enough? My dear?"

Yi began to laugh deviously, "Yes, My love."

Before they could continue. Zhao entered the room and yawned, "Dad, Mom... I ...Can't fall asleep..."

"Imbecile! It's twelve in the afternoon! Go do something productive!" Sima Yi grabbed his horse whip and threatened Zhao with it.

"Yeah, you two are doing something productive. Anyway, I don't have much to do; Wang Yuanji ignores me and Jia Chong doesn't get up until six pm." Zhao muttered.

"Hmm, he slepts in so late. I wonder what he does at night if he sleeps in so late." Zhang Chunhua pondered.

"I don't wanna know." Zhao stammered.

"I don't care! Zhao leave us!" Sima Yi demanded. "Now, where were we? Hmm?" Sima Yi caressed Zhang Chunhua.

"I'm still here, father!" Sima Zhao belted.

"Your mother and I are busy! Go pester your brother!" Sima Yi snapped at Sima Zhao.

"Shi said not to bother him... I think I will practice my magic..." Zhao smiled and left his parents.

"Good," Zhao closed his father's office door and walked down to Jia Chong's room. The pitch black room was dead silent. He opened the door to see his goth friend asleep on his bed. Zhao shaked Chong and realized that he wasn't breathing. He was dead.

"Chong! Don't die! I need you to be dirty for me... No, That sounded wierd. I mean... I need you to kill assholes for me!" Still there was no reply. Zhao called out to Wang Yuanji.

"What is it? Zhao?" She requested.

"I think Jia Chong is dead!" Zhao whimpered.

Yuanji sighed and opened the curtains of Jia Chong's room. The sun rays shown brightly through the windows. Chong hid under his bed away from the sunlight.

"Yuanji! Are you trying to kill me?" He hissed at the fake blonde. Not coming out from underneath his bed.

"Heh, I knew that would work." Yuanji laughed to herself.

"Yes! Are you trying to kill Jia Chong? Yuanji?" Zhao took the side of his best friend.

"If you haven't noticed... Your best friend is not human anymore, Zhao. His skin is pale and his eyes are cyran blue..." Yuanji exposed.

"My friend's... Super human?" Sima Zhao questioned.

"No... He's a... Jiang Shi or Chiang Kiang. In eastern european words, a vampyre." Wang Yuanji confirmed.

"I didn't know Yuanji had such a knowledge of the supernatural." Sima Zhao remarked praising his wife.

"I'm still here, You two." Jia Chong growled his voice muffled as he hid.

"We will let you sleep, My friend."

Zhao took Yuanji by the arm and they left.

~♥~

Sima Shi made it down to Fang Qi's quarters who promised him a 'healthy meal'. He found the bodyguard no where to be seen. So after a while of waiting in the parlor. He went to search out Fang Qi. He wasn't in his bedroom and study. So he went to check out the private bathroom.

He entered and in that moment Fang Qi(chi) raised from the water totally naked. Qi was a female! She had a typical tecmo rack you would see on a chick from Dead Or Alive. See Tecmo is intruding in games we love and making them a double D 'meat bun' fest!

"WHOLY MOTHER OF MEAT BUNS!" Shi thundered covering his nose as a river of blood bled from his nose.

"Master Shi!" Qi screamed dropping into the water.

"Please forgive me..." He begged painfully and ran outside her bath and down the hall. Zhao and Yuanji heard the ruckus and made their way.

"What is the problem? brother?"

"Qi is a woman!... Meat buns!" Shi cried frantically.

"Obliviously." The couple laughed in unison.

"I have to speak to father."

Zhao chuckled, "Dad knows as well. He wanted her to be your bodyguard."

"Why?"

"I don't know what goes through father's head, Shi." Zhao sighed. "Don't bother father. He's with mom at the moment."

"What will I do now? Why did she dress up as a guy?"

Zhao rubbed his head, "You don't remember the eldest daughter of scholar Fang Sung who had only daughters. But refused to adopt because he was a firm believer in keeping the family blood pure? Qi is his heir and was raised so."

"That is why she knows how to fight. This is interesting." Wang Yuanji pondered.

"Yeah! Father picked her cuz he thinks you would like chicks who can defend you." Sima Zhao added.

"That's why mother is better than father at killing people." Sima Shi elaborated.

"Heh, I don't know about that brother."

"I'm going to make sure Qi is okay." Yuanji escused herself and entered Qi's quarters.

~♥~

Jia Chong finally got to sleep (under his bed) until... "I smell blood... Hmm."

But sadly Yuanji left the window open. He was trapped in this position until sun down.

"That stupid blonde."

~♥~

"That was so embarrassing." Qi muttered as Yuanji handed her a towel.

"You are not the only one who is thinking the same." Yuanji meant Sima Shi.

"Though I must admit: It was funny." Fang Qi giggled drying off.

Wang Yuanji's disposition didn't change much though a small part of her thought the same. She fell in the same position with Zhao on several occasions. The details of the outcome of these frequent occasions... Yuanj rather not exploit aloud.