the art of faking a smile. (under-construction)

4. Conflicted

HIDEKI POV

Ugh I seriously don't get Akio or the others.

Why the fuck do they ship me with Dylan.

I'm not gay and they know it! Dylan is just my childhood friend, he's the only one who knows about my family and I trust him with my secrets the most.

I know it sounds gay but I'M NOT GAY.

"What you thinking about Hide?" I hear someone whisper in my ear. I shriek and turn around to see it was only just Dylan with a smug smirk on his face.

"None of your business." I glare at him. Dylan chuckles in response.

"What's been making you look so triggered though?" Dylan asks.

"Just Akio being that one annoying friend/brother that ships you with some other guy even though they know you're not gay."

"I see," he chuckles. "Is it really that bad to be shipped with me?" I can't help but notice a small tone of pain in his voice.

"I mean, if your friends constantly bring it up then, yeah I guess it is quite annoying." Yet at the same time, part of me didn't mind it.

"Well let's just start studying for our Chem SAC." Dylan concludes.

We sit together in the library and help each other out with questions we don't understand, we talk and laugh at times, we even got told off once for being too loud.

----------

"Ugh I don't understand this question!" I groan, tugging my hair in frustration.

"You need help?" Dylan asks, I reluctantly nod. Dylan's smart, even smarter than me... but I don't want to accept my defeat and strive to catch up to him.

Despite me being the only one who thinks of this rivalry I at least have a goal to accomplish.

As Dylan's explaining the question to me, I begin to notice how close we were to the point our sides were touching.

I suddenly feel self-conscious and I can feel my heart beating rapidly, but why am I feeling like this now? We've sat close like this plenty of times but nowadays I'm starting to feel self-conscious. Maybe it's because of Akio always teasing me and shit.

I dare to look up at Dylan.

His dark eyes focusing intently on our practice sheets in front of us.

The way he spins his pencil while explaining the problem to me.

His nice voice that can make even straight guys fall (not me though..)

How does Dylan not have a long-term girlfriend yet, maybe boyfriend if he's gay but he would've told me even so...

I continue to stare at his features.

Fuck he's really attractive.

I realise what I just thought and begin to blush furiously from head to toe, my heart beating so rapidly I think it will burst.

What is wrong with me? I think I'm going insane! I feel so confused.

What is this that I'm feeling?

It's not possibly love. I vowed to myself - after seeing what my dad did, all the cruel things he has done to my mum and Akio - that I will never fall in love or get involved in a relationship ever.

I want to talk to someone about these feelings but I don't know who. If I ask Akio or the others, they'll just tease me. My second option would be to tell Dylan, but that is definitely a no go because he's the reason I'm feeling this way and it's going to be too complicated explaining it to him without mentioning him. What the hell should I do? I feel so conflicted right now and I don't know what to fricking fracking do.

"-so you should use this way because it makes the problem less complex and easier to understand, get it?...Hideki?" I realise the whole time he was explaining the problem, I was stuck in my own world solving my own problems.

"I'm sorry...what?" I ask stupidly.

"Did you even listen to what I said before?"

"...yeah" I lie.

"Ok then tell me what I explained to you." Dylan leans back and crosses his arms.

Fuck. What do I do? If he finds out I wasn't listening the whole time he's just gonna do that annoying clicking of his tongue and rolling of his eyes and it's going to make me feel ashamed. I'm the mother-hen, I should be the one doing that annoying thing.

Ugh why am I having another whole debate with myself all over again, fuck it I'll just tell the truth.

"Fine! I didn't listen!" I admit, raising my arms up in frustration. It's his fault for being so close anyway...

"Seriously I took my time in explaining the problem and here you are in your own little world, don't think I haven't noticed you staring at me funnily." Dylan sighs as he rolls his eyes at me. I blush yet again but in shame and look down. I seriously don't know what the fuck is wrong with me today but I feel it's also affecting our friendship and I don't want it to.

"C'mon, why don't we take a break, I think we've studied long enough." Dylan chuckles.

I feel disappointed when his warmth leaves my side...

SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH ME.

****************

oH mY looks like sOmeonE is falling in love and denying the bi ;)

UPDATE: Currently editting this story and im rly sry for the shitty writing. Ik i shifted to present tense in this chap and im planning on doing so for the rest of the chapters from now bc its a bit easier for me.