the art of faking a smile. (under-construction)

27. Maybe it's time to move on

DYLAN POV

"I give up."

"What?! Why?" My sister shrieks, it's funny how she knows what I'm talking about.

"I can't take this anymore, he's confusing me so much it's fucking me up." I tug at my hair.

"But... after all these years of chasing after him, you're suddenly giving him up now? Didn't you say yourself it's too late to give up?" Daniela interrogates.

"I know, but... I feel as though now I'm just being too possessive and desperate and selfish... so it's probably best to forget my feelings for him. He's better off with Justin." I look down, trying not to lose myself and my dignity.

"Dylan, Pull. Your-self. To-gether." Daniela slaps me in the face after every syllable, the last one being the most painful. "Do you even know what the hell you're saying?"

"Yes, I am. And I'm doing this for the sake of Hideki and I."

"But are you gonna be happy about it?" She questions.

I pause. "...if it'll make him happy and comfortable around me, I'd do anything."

"Dylan..." Daniela now looks disheartened for me.

"No, stop. I'm gonna move on and that's final. I'm sure there are other people better than him." I'm tearing up at that statement, I feel like I'm betraying him.

No one can ever be better than him.

I leave my sister in the living room and lock myself up in my room. My chest is throbbing and I realise it has been ever since I fell in love with him. Every time he rejects my attempts of showing my affection for him, it stabs me right through my chest. Every rejection being twice as painful than the last one. I'm so numb to it that I don't even realise myself how much it hurts but now that I'm facing the fact, it punches me right in the gut.

I have to move on if I still want to continue our friendship...

I hate you Hideki.

I hate you for not loving me back. I hate you for giving me mixed signals. I hate you for leading me on. I hate you for not wanting any more than friendship. I hate you for making me feel this way. I hate you for being so caring and down to earth. I hate you for being drop-dead gorgeous.

I hate your whole being Hideki Matsuri and if only we never knew each other I wouldn't be feeling this way.

I bury my head in my arms, trying to think about all the flaws in Hideki. But all I think about are our memories when we were young.

When I kissed you on the cheek in year 2 because it was your birthday and I forgot to get you a present. Then you kissed me back shyly and thanked me, I remembered that was the day I started falling for you and declaring I was going to marry you.

I remembered how I cradled you in my arms when you were bawling your heart out at your mum's funeral, that was the day I promised I would forever protect you and be by your side.

I remembered how I dated so many girls to make you jealous but you only cheered me on which made me mad at you and also start arguments for that stupid reason. I dated those girls to confirm my feelings for you and to confirm my sexuality.

I remembered that night you clumsily kissed me on the lips and that I pushed you away from shock. You don't even know how much I regretted that and wondered:

If only I didn't push you away then would we have been together?

Maybe we would've been like those cringey couples and we'd most likely be having a full on make out session right now.

Dammit I love you so much Hideki to the point it's killing me.

I hear a knock on my door which soon turns into slams, but I still ignore it and lie saying the classic: "I'm studying!".

My sister kicks the door open with a scary look on her face. God knows how the hell she could kick the door open, but then again, we both do martial arts.

"That ain't gonna fucking get me you stupid little bro. I've used that excuse too many times to fall for it."

"Shut up you obnoxious big sis, you're gonna break the door and have to pay for it." I retort.

Daniela puts me in a tight headlock and ruffles my hair. She is such a brute I honestly don't know how her fiancé can stand her.

"Fuck off." I hit her arm continuously, she lets go of me but pulls my ear hard.

"Ow! Ow! Ow stop!"

"You aren't giving up on him Dylan Chan! Tomorrow you are going to walk up to him, suck his face and tell him that you love him and then suck faces even more after that. I'm not letting you give up on him so easily, I know you love him with all your heart and our whole family even agrees that you two are perfect for each other. So stop acting like a fucking pussy and confess to him already jeez!"

"Okay! Okay! Now stop pulling on my ear, it hurts!"

"Be more sincere will you? You're such a piece of work you know?" She pulls my ear even more.

"I'm sorry! I will confess to him tomorrow alright?" She lets go of me and smiles.

"And?"

I sigh. "And I'm gonna suck faces with him." 

I'm just giving her false hopes. I'm just giving myself false hopes.

"Good. Now if you excuse me, I'm gonna ask Akio to knock some sense into his brother because Hideki is also being a fucking pussy."

"Wait what?"

"What? I didn't say anything." Daniela looks at me innocently. "Tomorrow I'm gonna ask you if you confessed to him and don't even think about lying because I know when you lie and I'm gonna kill you twice!" She walks out of my room and slams the door shut.

I take a deep breath and fall face flat on my bed.

My sister is terrifying as fuck.

But I guess she has a point. I should probably confess to him before I move on because I'm going to regret it later. I should man up and accept his rejection so then I can fully move on.

However there's a part of me that doesn't want to move on and that determination to continue on loving him is coming back up again. And you know what?

Fuck it.

I'm not going to give up on him easily. I'm going to do what makes me happy and that is loving him. Even if he hurts me multiple times, I still feel happy with just loving him from afar. Even if he rejects me after I confess, I'm still going to chase his ass.

I will tell him how I feel for sure.

***********

Lmao Part 1 is almost over, hope y'all are ready for a shit load of angst in the next half