Sexual Frustrations

17. I didnt come back for you

Over the phone Lip convinced me that 2 in the morning was a cruel time to make him come and pick me up hours away. So we agreed he would be waiting for me outside the cabin at 9 the next morning. I could live with that.

I took a taxi home straight away before any of the others caught up to me. I needed to be alone. I needed to process what was going on. Okay so I had thought that Emma was a rebound, after Carl and I went our seperate ways. But actually hearing the words come out of his mouth stirred feelings I didn't want to deal with.

How had things gotten so messy so quickly? I wanted nothing to do with Emma ever again but somehow I felt some sort of sympathy towards her. Carl embarrassed her infront of me. That would fucking hurt. I was angry at him for putting me on the spot like that. I was frustrated that somehow my feelings, whatever they were, for him were still around and I couldn't suppress them. He knew that.

Once home I went straight up to my room and changed my clothes, desperately hoping that I wouldn't have to encounter anybody else. Witnessing their heated discussion and quickly evacuating the scene definitely sobered me up and I was already sporting the killer headache that would've naturally been saved for tomorrow's hangover.

I heard the front door open and someone storming up the stairs and my stomach dropped. I wasn't sure if I could handle any more confrontation or anymore feelings but I was going to have to. Carl swung open the door and stood in the door way. If I wasn't so overwhelmed I would have admired the way he looked but I was too all over the place for that.

"Why'd you take off?" He asked. His voice was calm but I could tell we were about to argue. With the way we were both feeling it was inevitable.

"Why would I stay for that?" I half laughed. "Why would I want to hang around and be stuck in the middle of whatever the fucks going on between you too?"

"I don't know if you weren't paying attention, but I just ended whatever was going on." I didn't know if that should make me feel better or not. It just confused me further.

"Well that's your decision and it has nothing to do with me-"

"Are you fucking serious right now?" He interrupted me, his voice raising. "It has nothing to do with you? It has fucking everything to do with you."

"No don't you dare bring me into your relationship problems again." I stood up for myself but he wasn't backing down. Maybe my comment was unfair but I needed to get some stuff off my chest.

"You are my relationship problems." He yelled and that hit me like a tonne of bricks. "You're the reason I could never keep one in the past and you're sure as hell the reason I just ended that one." I didn't want to hear this, it hurt too much. I didn't think I could handle what he was saying.

"Why?" I was struggling to fight back the tears and I definitely didn't want to hear the answer.

"Why what?"

"Why did you fuck her?" The tears were coming out now and there was nothing I could do to stop it. But that didn't mean I was ready to go soft. This had bottled up inside of me since Maddy first told me and now it was coming out.

"Don't fucking ask me that Ava." He groaned but I wasn't letting him get away that easy I needed closure.

"No, if I'm your 'problem' then you can fucking tell me why you had sex with my best friend. You owe me that."

"Because you fucking left." He yelled and I was stood silent, completely lost for words. "You fucking left me and then left the country how on earth am I meant to deal with that?"

"Not by fucking my best friend-" he cut me off again.

"I did a shitty thing. Yeah I fucked her a couple of times but I was so fucking angry at how you could just leave so easily. How you could drop everything and just go without even looking back." He yelled and his words stung like a knife.

"You think that was easy for me?"

"Of course it was fucking easy for you. You just left and I'm supposed to deal with that. You fucking broke me and I'm still stuck on you. You went to fucking Australia. Australia. And started a new life without any of us. You didn't even think twice. And then you waltz back after 3 years and expect me to come running back with open arms?"

"I didn't come back for you." I lied but he saw straight through me.

"Oh don't fucking lie to me Ava. I know why you came back. I scared everyone with the drugs and they all went running to you thinking you'd solve everything and we'd magically go back to where we used to be. You came back here thinking you could fix me but maybe you're the fucking problem." His words completely drained me. I felt so empty and hurt and exhausted. I stood silent for a moment not even knowing what to say.

"I came back here for your family." I spoke calmly, not yelling anymore. Too hurt and too exhausted to yell. "Your family reached out to me and I did a favour for them. I pulled your ass into the car when you overdosed. I got you going out again. I got you speaking to your family again. This wasn't for you, this was for them." He was silent just staring at me. I hoped my words were hitting him as hard as his had hit mine.
"I had to leave this place. I did that for myself. I needed to get out of here before I ended up just like what you are now. Drug fucked and hopeless. It was the best decision I've ever made. I came here to help you because you fucking need it. But if I'm the problem then I see no problem in booking my one way ticket back and you can inject yourself to the hospital again."

His eyes opened wider at what I said.
"Ava i-"

"No Carl." I cut him off. I was done for the night. Done arguing, done yelling, done feeling, and done crying. My words were harsh and I wasn't sure if I meant them but I needed to stop before I went too far.
"I need you to leave now." I sighed and looked up at his face which looked just as drained and broken as I felt.

He looked as though he contemplated speaking again but decided against it before turning and closing the door behind him.

What were we doing to each other?