Sexual Frustrations

04. Do you regret it?

"Ava?"

In that moment everything went quiet. I went numb and I couldn't feel anything except my erratic heart beating so loudly that I was surprised anyone else in the room heard it. Although I completely forgot about everybody else in the room all I could see was him standing there staring at me as if I was a ghost. Maybe I was to him now. 3 years. It had been 3 whole years since I'd seen his face last. I didn't realise seeing him again would have this bad of an effect on me.

From first glance he still looked like my Carl from three years ago but as the shock wore off and I took in his appearance I saw he was the furthest thing from my Carl. His eyes were puffy and supporting dark circles, looking as if he hadn't slept in days. His pupils looked small and he looked vacant like no one was behind them. His mouth was red and puffy but not the way I used to enjoy seeing it. He'd lost a lot of weight, he didn't look gaunt but he wasn't his usual healthy looking self. His skin was a paler tone which brought out the redness and blemishes. Seeing him like this was hard and it hurt. I didn't know what to say to him but he was staring at my like a stunned deer caught in headlights.

"Hi." I breathed out barely. Super pathetic I know right but what else was I supposed to say. Sorry for leaving the country and not coming back for 3 years? That would've gone down great. His facial expression turned from shock to hard and cold and that made me feel sick. He wasn't happy to see me which broke my heart but what did I expect.

"What are you doing here?" He asked with a cold tone. He still stood in the same spot as when he saw me, not moving an inch. He was bound to be as confused as me. I didn't know how to answer his question because he was the reason I was here but I was at least 90% sure Lip and Ian didn't want him knowing that.

"Umm..." I knew I had to answer and the silence in the room was painful but what the fuck was I going to say.

"What things in Australia gone to shit so you've come crawling back here?" He laughed and he took me by surprise. Yeah so I deserved it but I hadn't expected him to be so cruel so quickly. He definitely was not the same person.

"No I invited her down." Lip butted in saving me from the terrible job I was doing at explaining myself. At Lips comment I saw Carl's whole body go tense and I knew he would assume the worst. "She got a few weeks holiday at her work so I insisted she come down and visit us all." Lips tone was harsh as he spoke to him and I felt awkward sitting in the middle of it.

"Oh that's awesome," he said his voice ridden with sarcasm and spite. "Well I hope you have a nice stay here but don't expect me to be running around after you again." He said before turning to head up the stairs.

"I didn't come here for you." I lied.

"Good." He paused before continuing his way up.

We didn't stay much longer after that, I was thankful to be leaving that house. Our first interaction wasn't what I'd hoped for but probably exactly what I deserved.
Ian stayed down at the house, usually he stayed with Lip but some nights he stayed there to help Fiona deal with Carl and help Liam. So it was just Lip and I heading back to his place and as much anger as I felt to Carl for what he'd be doing I couldn't help but wonder how he would feel about it.

...

I didn't sleep a wink that night. All I think about was Carl and how different he looked and how cold he was towards me. I honestly don't even know what I really expected, I had done a shitty thing to him. I had cut off what we had going on and then I did move the country and didn't contact him for three years. But it was something I needed to do for myself. It was a selfish move but I needed it. I couldn't be here alone with everyone around me I just couldn't. I needed that fresh start and it proved to work really well for me. I found a job that I really liked I found a passion and I had good friends around me. It was selfish but it was the best decision for myself.

I was glad to see when the clock turned to 7 and it was an acceptable time to crawl out of bed. I showered and got myself ready before Lip even woke up. I helped myself to food and made him a bowl of cereal for when he made his way into the kitchen.

"You're an early riser." He grumbled sitting down at the table with me.

"Couldn't sleep." I shrugged and he nodded sympathetically.

"Look with Carl," he started but paused for a minute. What could he honestly say?

"It's fine." I dismissed him hoping to save him from trying to come up with some inspirational helpful words.

"No it's not fine." He sighed and I nodded. I guess it wasn't. "The things he said.."

"I did a bad thing Lip. I know that, we all do, it is what it is." I didn't want everyone acting as if I was completely innocent here. I did a shitty thing by moving with no word but it was done now and there was no taking that back.

"Do you regret it?" He asked and I had to think for a minute. Did I regret it?

"I dunno I think maybe if I just stayed he would be like-"

"Do you regret it for yourself?" He interrupted and that hit me like a tonne of bricks.

"No." I answered honestly. Like I said before that move was the best thing I ever did for myself. "It was the best decision I made for myself."

"Then don't beat yourself up over it." I wish it was that easy.

"Yeah but he-"

"No." He interrupted me. "You gotta look after yourself before anyone else. You've gotta be the most important person to look after in your life. You made a decision and it was a fucking good one. It's not your fault if things crumbled while you were away." He said genuinely and I instantly felt a sense of relief. He was right. I couldn't live my life pleasing everyone else that wasn't fair. Other people were not my responsibility. "I'm sorry for dragging you back in."

"No I'm glad you did." I answered honestly.