Sexual Frustrations

32. Dont lie to me

Sitting in that cafe opposite the woman who looked remotely like my mother. I was still completely lost for words. I didn't know how to feel, should I be happy to see her after so long? Probably. But was I? No.
I still felt some residue resentment towards her. She left me alone for her fiancé. I was in a bad place and I needed her but she packed up the house and left me on the street. She was part of the reason I left. I felt angry at her and I felt abandoned.
But after seeing the state she was in, I couldn't help but feel guilty. This was my mom. This was the woman who raised me and she was in a very bad way. I didn't even need to ask her to know that she was taking drugs heavily. I could see it written all over her face. Maybe if I hadn't left this would have never happened to her. The guilt was too strong to ignore.

"So..." She began to break the silence while nursing her cup of coffee. "How have you been?" The question almost made me laugh but I was trying to suppress all signs of emotions.

"Yeah good." I nodded. "How about you?" I asked knowing she was not good. Carl rested his hand on my knee and I felt the anger cool slightly inside of me. I was glad he was here.

"Well I've been better." She laughed gesturing to her appearance. The action made me feel sick. All I could do was manage a nod in response.
"What brings you back here?" She said searching for more conversation.

"Umm came back to visit the Gallagher's." I explained vaguely not wanting to give her too much information.
"How's the fiancé?" I asked unable to restrict the bitter tone to my voice. He was the reason she left me stranded and we'd never gotten the chance to speak about it.

"Not so good." She muttered quietly, I saw her nervously glance at Carl and I could tell she didn't want him here for this conversation. I wasn't going to kick him out.
"We sorta fell into a bad crowd." She said awkwardly scratching her head, a nervous tick.

"I can see that." Carl squeezed my leg but I didn't want to play nice. Looks like I decided how I felt and I was still bitter.

"Baby look when you left I was devastated..." she began and I could tell she was going to go off on some big emotional tangent.

"No mom stop. You left me first so you couldn't have been that devastated." I was raising my voice so I took a minute to pause to calm and collect myself. "So continue your story but don't fucking lie to me. Don't try to make me feel guilty for anything." Her expression was very clearly taken aback and it took her a moment to process before she muttered an apology and continued.

"I have a problem, with drugs Ava. I've tried to stop, I have. I got mixed in with a bad group of people and it got really scary for a while."

"What are you on?" I asked, her story hurt me and I felt a great deal of sympathy but I was trying to remain impassive.

"A few things, but mainly Ice." My heart dropped, she really had fucked up. "I'm 3 days clean right now though,"

"Congrats." I said coldly.

"I'm trying..."

"Why did you come find me?" I cut her story off.

"Because I missed you..."

"I said don't lie to me." I cut her off again and she looked down at her hands.

"Well a couple weeks ago we ran into some trouble with the dealer and.."

"You need money?" I guessed feeling the anger boil inside me. She sheepishly nodded her head and I exploded. I couldn't even look at her face I was so angry. I stood from the table and stormed out of the cafe without even a second glance back.

...

I stormed down the street still absolutely enraged.

"Ava!" I turned around to find Carl running after me.

"Is she fucking serious." I yelled, releasing all my anger in the middle of the street. God it felt good to yell. "Is she fucking joking." Carl stopped in front of me and didn't say anything.
"She fucking walked out on me. She left. She sold our house and left without batting a single fucking eyelash. She left me for that deadbeat and she has the fucking balls to come crawling back to me asking me for money?" I was so furious I couldn't stop myself.
"Now that she's gotten herself into a shitty situation she needs me? I needed her four fucking years ago. I left and I worked my ass off by my self. I did this on my own and she has the fucking nerve to come back asking me for money?" I stopped and stood facing Carl panting, out of breath from yelling. Feeling exhausted from the anger and the wide range of other emotions I'd just experienced.

Carl just stood and waited for me to finish. Once he could tell I'd gotten it all off my chest he stepped closer and pulled me into his chest. His arms wrapped tightly around me and I finally I cried. I sobbed and he just held me tighter. It felt better to yell and cry and I was so thankful Carl had been there. Even though I didn't know it I needed that hug. I needed some sort of release from all the bent up emotions. I needed him.

After my tears slowed he pulled away only slightly and lifted my head to look at him

"What do you want to do?" He asked me, wiping the tears from my cheek. What did I want to do? I didn't even know.

"I don't know." I sighed.

"Do you want to go back and find her?"

"No." That was for certain. I couldn't face her again, not after what she just tried to do. I was worth more than that.

"Okay want to go back to mine?" He asked.

"Can we just go back to Lips?" I asked. "I don't want to be anywhere she could find me again." I didn't think she would bother looking for me again but I didn't want to risk it. I needed space to breathe and I wanted to forget about what just happened.

"Let's go." So off we went.