Sexual Frustrations

36. We deserve better

"What?" I gasped all coherent thoughts completely failing me. My mind racing a hundred thoughts a minute yet unable to produce a single one.

"Yeah." He sighed looking as defeated as I felt. "You told me that you loved me. I tried to tell you a few times but I either couldn't find the words or we got distracted."

"Carl..." I began but didn't know how to finish. What do I say to the boy who just told me he loved me. And what do I say to his claim that I loved him too. "I need time." I choked out, no longer able to control the tears that dropped down my face.

"Right." He nodded. "Well take your time but if you're going back there don't fucking bother finding me. I've lost you once I can do it again. Don't make it harder for me." His words like venom and he walked out the door slamming it behind him. Leaving me there alone and broken. Could my life possibly get any messier.

Carl loved me. He actually said that. He loved me. Apparently I loved him too? My memories of that night were still scattered and I couldn't remember confessing my love. What I felt for Carl was unexplainable and deeper than what I'd ever felt for anybody before but was it love? I never thought so. I cared about him more than anything. He was my best friend. He supported me through so much. I was incredibly attracted to him. I wanted to be with him and I knew that now but love?

I flopped back onto the bed and closed my eyes trying desperately to search through my memories of that night...

...I stumbled through the hallway giggling my ass off. Carl had his arm around me, guiding me to his bedroom and supporting my weight as he went.

"You're so strong." I laughed, making no effort to hold myself upright. I was enjoying his support and the warmth I could feel radiating from him. Plus he smelt good, god he always smelt so good.

"You're so drunk." He laughed. I stumbled into his room.

"Ooh don't take advantage of me." I laughed trying my hardest to sexy dance. Swirling my hips and rubbing his chest. He wore a giant smile across his face.

"No promises." He winked. "Let's get you into bed." He shuffled me backwards until I fell onto his bed.

"Don't have to tell me twice." I winked sitting up where our faces were so close to one another.

"I'm not going to do anything when you're drunk." He laughed placing a gentle kiss to my cheek.

"I know." I smiled flopping back onto the mattress and wiggling to get comfy. "That's why I love ya."

"Sure sure." He laughed tucking me in.

"No listen." I said reaching out to caress his cheek and looking at him. "I love you Carl."

"What?" He said unsure whether to be amused or shocked.

"I really love you. I left you because I was scared of how I felt about you, I didn't know what it was. But now I know, I love you." Suddenly my eyelids felt heavy and I couldn't stay awake....

I sprung upright in the bed and physically gasped. Oh my fucking god. I did tell Carl I loved him. And not in a drunken slur, I confessed my love rather dramatically. How was I meant to process that? How was I meant to deal with that. I knew I felt something for Carl. Maybe I did love him. But I couldn't sacrifice and compromise my life and my plans for the future in love. Could I?
This was all too much for on night.

...

I didn't exactly get much sleep that night. I tossed and turned and couldn't keep the thoughts out of my head.

When morning finally rolled around I couldn't wait to get out of bed and out of the house. I was taking mom out looking for rehab centres which was going to be a great distraction. Although I knew my thoughts about Carl wouldn't stay away completely.

I felt numb all day, completely disconnected from everything. I had so much to think about yet I felt so lost and hopeless.

Mom and I were sitting filling out an application for the best rehab centre we found when she noticed that I wasn't okay.

"Baby whats going on?" She asked me, taking me by surprise.

"Nothing I'm just-"

"No you don't lie to me either okay?" She smiled and I sighed, why not get it off my chest.

"Carl told me he loves me." Saying the words out loud made things seem so much realer, made it feel as though I didn't dream up last night.

"And?" She prompted. I looked at her with my brows furrowed, what does she mean 'and?'
"That boys been in love with you for years." She laughed explaining as if it were completely obvious. Why was I so late to the party? Why was I the only one completely blindsided by Carl's confession...and mine as well.

"Apparently I love him too." I sighed resting my head in my hands.

"Do you?"

"I'm leaving back for Australia mom I can't." I groaned refusing to let the tears resurface.

"Why not?"

"Because it's too hard it won't work."

"It doesn't have to be."

...

I needed to talk to Carl. I desperately needed to talk to him. We needed to have a proper conversation without yelling. I needed him to tell him how I felt. How I wanted to be with him more than anything, how he made me incredibly happy, but how I wasn't willing to give up my life in Australia. I couldn't leave things between us in an argument, it wasn't fair, after everything we'd been through together we deserved better than that.

I stormed through the Gallagher household and it was Lip and Fiona who were sat at the dining table.

"Where's Carl?" I asked, the adrenaline pumping through my body.

"Upstairs but Ava I wouldn't..." Fiona began to speak but I quickly ran up the stairs to his room before I could change my mind.

I got to the door and tried to open it but it was locked.

"Carl?" I yelled out hoping he would listen to me. After a few moments of silence I decided it was best to just spill my guts and hope he would listen.
"Carl I need to talk to you...please. I don't want things to be like this between us. I don't want to lose you again you're too important to me. I care about you more than anything and you're the only person who makes me feel like this. You make me so angry and frustrated but I don't want to be with anybody else. Please carl just open the door we need to talk about this...I really want to go back to Australia but I don't know maybe we can work something out...we've been through too much to just leave things like this."

The door swung open and I swore in that moment I felt true utter heartbreak. My stomach churned and my skin prickled. I was going to be sick.

"Maybe you should have told him all this before the first time you left." Emma said standing in the doorway.

My eyes welled and I couldn't breath. I wanted to scream and cry and rip my eyes out. All I could manage to do was turn around and run. I vaguely heard Carl calling after me.

"No Ava it's not what it looks like."

But I couldn't hear properly, I ran straight out of the house and just kept running. I ran straight to Lips and into the house. My lungs were on fire and I collapsed in the doorway and disappeared into a puddle of my own tears.

When I could finally breath and think again I made a phone call.

"Hey, yes. Just wanting to let you know I'm booking the first flight back."