Mágoa // Spencer Reid

Chapter 35

"Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave."
Mary Tyler Moore

Spencer Reid sat at his desk, staring blankly into space. He had listened to Maria's voicemail 13 times already- but he could recite it after hearing it once. Hearing her voice again out of the blue have knocked him off balance, he knew he could admit that. He thought that if he listened to it more he would be able to un pick what she had told him to mean something else. She had said that she had fucked it up, but was she talking about the voicemail? Since Maria had left Spencer felt a cocktail of emotions: guilt, regret, sadness, loneliness, longing and anger. He hated that he didn't let her explain her side of the story, that he immediately told everyone in the BAU what had happened instead of hearing her out. He felt guilty for letting Derek talk to Maria the way he did, talking down to her with a cold tone as if she were a suspect in a case. He was sad and lonely because, he really liked Maria- he loved how when they ended up at the bookshop her face lit up as she raced around the shelves creating a huge stack of books, the two were similar in that they rarely slept so they would message each other at night discussing everything and nothing. They shared their fears of their parents illnesses, something they both struggled to open up about. He felt a longing for Maria to be stood outside his door with a book she thinks he'd love, or for her to hug him- when Maria had hugged him after Maeve had died she had held him so tightly, she offered him comfort in one of the darkest times in his life, she had rocked him to sleep as he had cried to her. Another thing he long for was to feel her lips on his, his hands wrapped around her waist pulling her closer. He longed for more time with her.

Maria slowly made her way out of the apartment building, mentally reciting Naomi Diaz's life story. She tried to remember where the mob were stationed to spy on the Vagos gang, and as she was walking not really paying attention to where she was going she walked straight into someone. She froze and observed the man in front of her, he wore a suit and was tall and heavy set she noticed that in his right hand he held a cigar. She decided to carry on walking but the stranger grabbed her wrist.
"Where'd you think you're going?" His voice was low and gruff, she tried to wriggle out of his grasp with no success.
"What do you think you're doing? Get off me jerk." She replied, switching into Naomi Diaz. The man squeezed her wrist tighter and put his cigar out, his hand reached into his waistband and he pulled out a revolver pistol, he did it slowly and subtly but Maria noticed, just as she was about to make a grab for her gun she heard a click and the revolver that was aimed at her was no longer on her.
"Put it down." A male voice whispered to the man, he dropped his gun and another person picked it up from the floor. He passed the gun to the guy holding the big guy at gun point.
"What did we tell you, get outta here man." He hissed, the man snatched his gun back and walked off down a side street. Maria stood looking at the two figures. She had to stop herself from replying like she would.
"I had that handled." Was all she said her hands folded across her chest.
"I don't think you did chica. Who are you? You aren't one of us." The first figure said.
"I'm pretty sure I did," she said lightly tapping her glock at her waist, "what's it to you? I was just walkin and he got all in my face." She replied keeping her face straight.
"I'm just wondering who you are, you look like one of us but none of us would get into that situation." He replied.
"And who are you?" Maria replied, "you keep referring to an us as if there are lots of you but all I see is two Spanish looking guys." The two men exchanged looks.
"We are the people you don't want to mess with. Now I'm going to ask you again who are you?" The man said slowly raising his gun again.
"There's no need for that, chill man. The names Naomi, Naomi Diaz. Are you going to give me a hint as to who you are?" The men glanced at each other before replying.
"Come with us if you wanna find out. I'm Julio and he's Eddie."
Maria stared at the two before nodding and following them towards what looked like a bar. As the three walked towards the bar Eddie began questioning Maria about her life.
"So Naomi, you from round here?" He asked, and she shook her head.
"I'm from Virginia, I recently moved here." The two men stopped walking for a moment.
"And why did you move?" She paused and took a deep breath.
"Because I needed a change of pace."
The men stared at her in disbelief.
"Why did you need a change of pace?" She sighed.
"My sister died and so did my mother and I didn't want to linger in the area." She replied.
"What about your father?" Julio asked.
"He's in Vegas." The two nodded.
"Why is he there?" She paused again for a second.
"I don't think that's any of your business." Julio glared at her as if tempted to speak up, but Eddie silenced him with a subtle hand gesture. Maria heard another pair of footsteps behind her and then everything went black.

Spencer had attempted to subtly ask Penelope about Maria, but she had dodged his questions. He left her office feeling deflated, he really wanted to see Maria. After finishing some paper work he decided to go for a drive. He drove around for an hour and a half, he ended up driving to Maria's apartment where Penelope was temporarily living. He wandered up the familiar steps and knocked on the door, Penelope opened the door and stepped aside letting him in.

His eyes scanned the apartment briefly, he smiled at the floor when he spied a picture of the two of them from Maria's birthday ball, it was the one that he gave her framed before they kissed- he wished he could go back to that moment in the elevator, the way she looked at him like he was the only man in the world. Before everything went downhill.
"What brings you here boy wonder?" Garcia questioned from the kitchen, Spencer shrugged his shoulders.
"Would you like some coffee?" She asked and he nodded his gaze fixed on a small bin in the corner of the room, it was overflowing with crunched up balls of paper. Garcia handed him his coffee and she perched on the sofa next to him.
"I'm sorry to bother you, I hope you aren't busy?" He said the final part as more of a question prompting Garcia to let him know if he should leave.
"I'm not busy tonight, Hun. Are you ok?" Once again the genius shrugged his shoulders staring at his cup of coffee.
"I miss Maria, she called me but I didn't answer- I was going to but I didn't get to the phone quick enough. She left me a message saying she's going, but she didn't say where or for how long. I guess I'm just worried about her." He let out a defeated sigh, Garcia hesitated briefly before filling him in on Maria's current situation and how she had to get rid of her phone. The two conversed for a while- they both missed Maria and it was a mutual conversation topic for them.

After a while Penelope excused herself to use the bathroom spencer took his chance to have a quick look at the pieces of paper that had caught his attention, when he noticed his name scribbled on them he grabbed a handful and stuffed them into his pocket- once Garcia had returned he thanked her for letting him stay so long and headed home.

As soon as Spencer walked through the door of his apartment he sat on the sofa and pulled out one of the pieces of paper. He read them all twice, they pretty much all said the same thing.

Spence,
I'm sorry. I really am. I don't know what part of my brain thought that saying the kiss meant nothing was a good plan. I didn't think, I just said the first thing I thought of in the hopes of keeping my job with the team. I had just got settled here, with my job and team- I felt at home, finally.
The second I sat down with Bill I knew he had arranged my transfer. He told me that having a relationship with a colleague was completely unacceptable and inappropriate. I listened to him because he is my uncle, I thought I could blame the alcohol but then it would look like you were in the wrong, and forced yourself on me. Which definitely didn't happen. So instead I settled for telling him it meant nothing, but Spence, I promise you this, that kiss was everything. I'm trying not to be too soppy here, so stick with me. Initially we hated each other, I think that neither of us knew how to act after my sister died. And then we talked, and I remember thinking 'this guy isn't half bad.' And then there was the unsub in Vegas, who had our parents hostage. After that you were able to talk to me, at the time I thought that you thought you owed it to me, but then we became friends.

Then we were best friends and before my eyes I saw you fall in love with Maeve- I was so happy for you, the way you spoke about her in such awe. I won't lie to you, I envied her. I wanted someone to adore me like you adored her. And then she was taken from you, and you were broken Spence. I felt your pain, and I would've done anything to make it less painful. And then eventually my birthday rolled around and you were doing better, and then we danced- I'll never forget that moment as long as I live, we danced and there was a moment when you spun me around and smiled at me and I felt my world stop spinning- and then you kissed me in the elevator. I don't know if you knew but that was my first kiss- you were my first kiss Spencer Reid - and that could never be a mistake. I regret saying it was a mistake. And once again I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused you, I don't know if I'll ever be back in Virginia- I don't know how long I'll be in Chicago. But I will miss you Spencer Reid, you mean a hell of a lot to me.

Half of the letter had lines drawn through it and none of them were ever sent to Spencer. Now Spencer really felt bad for not hearing her out.